HowTo:Leave Uncyclopedia as Dramatically as Possible
“You may have the social skills and graces of an underdeveloped zygote but that should never prevent you from making a memorable exit...”
Leaving any organisation is often a fraught and terrifying period in anyone's life, but when it is an internet group it should be expected that extra issues and pressures are likely to leave a lasting effect upon the damaged psyches of those involved. This guide hopes to assist you through the pitfalls associated with leaving a small internet comedy wiki such as Uncyclopedia in as dramatic a fashion as possible.
Attention Whoring for Beginners
Rather than simply leaving quietly which would fail to ignite any continued hostility amongst individuals (just like you) whom you have come to loathe, many internet users prefer a prolonged campaign of whinging and complaining aimed mostly at anyone who has failed to recognise their genius or how their way of doing something is the only way.
In order to leave creating as much strife as possible under no circumstances should you:
- Take some time out to re-evaluate the situation
- Consider for a second that you might be wrong
- See the irony in writing a scathing article on the subject
Sometimes additional technology is required to enable the individual to type page long diatribes aimed at people they barely know whilst flapping their arms about and screaming with rage. In this heightened state of awareness it is important to set aside any thoughts that different values and viewpoints may be as equally valid as your own, or that compromise and communication are valid tools for enabling a greater sense of community.
It's full of dicks...
|“||...you are all just a bunch of self-absorbed, whining, pseudo-intellectual dickweeds who wouldn't recognise true genius if it came up, tore their ugly heads off, defecated down their necks before writing a twenty-seven page essay on why I am considerably better than you...||”|
The entire internet is full of dicks. That quiet guy in "Accounts" with the skin complaint who spends his evenings arguing over plot-holes in popular movies. He's a dick. The woman with the facial hair you bought your train ticket from who (eventually) left the "Green Thumbs" gardening website after a four month campaign of hatred towards the site owners (featuring the most creative use of gardening equipment known to man). She's a dick. Those guys on that website that fail to recognise your superior intellect who only ended up with admin rights because they hung around at the beginning with the guy who created the site and back then if you managed three edits in a row without spelling your name wrong they practically threw adminships around like candy. It can be taken for granted that they are all dicks.
A Study in Flouncing
|“||...I don't have time to put into this place anymore, and feel it is taking over my life a bit. I'm not in a good frame of mind at this time, and I guess I am seeking a bit of attention if I am totally honest, I've been very down and want someone to actually care, however it's not that I want to cause a scene I just wanted to say goodbye to some lovely people I had talked to and got support from over the years...<abridged>...and that's why you're all cunts and I hope your fucking website dies in a fiery explosion. YOU are the reason THIS SITE is the worst...||”|
Every now and again a potential idiot with unrealistic expectations and critical levels of unwarranted self-importance finds themselves at odds with other potential idiots suffering from the same condition. Within internet communities this amounts to a smouldering powderkeg of narcissism which is never more than a few edits away from exploding. One favoured method to ignite the situation is through the art of "Flouncing".
Frequently following a protracted disagreement with other members of the community it may become necessary to "flounce". A flounce should attempt to personally insult as many fellow members of the community, its administrators, website hosts, though to anyone who might have once read an article and their family members.
Extra points can be attained through key practices:
- Highlighting incorrect grammars, spelling mistakes; bad punctuation
- Personal attacks
- Assuming that your rant is even remotely worthy of anyone's time and attention
- Pseudo-intellectual putdowns (points double bonus for use of "Dunning–Kruger Effect", "Straw Man Argument" or "Alabama Hotpocket")
Traditionally members of online communities, particularly those who become established over a long period of activity, do so due to behaviour which in "the real world" may be viewed as negative traits, such as OCD, or being a sad loner who spends all their time sitting in front of a screen away from human contact. Frequently this reinforces antisocial behaviour whilst at the same time providing something which offers meaning within their otherwise empty existence.
Try to remember that in attacking these people virtually you have an opportunity to achieve permanent damage and possibly psychological trauma to them in "real life". Be sure to make every barb count.
- Attention Whore
- HowTo:Instigate change on an internet community website whilst demonstrating your superior intellect to everyone
- Internet Anonymity and You, An Uncyclopedian's Guide to NOT Getting Your Arse Handed to You
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
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