HowTo:Get Un-Lost

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The unthinkable has happened. You didn't use the buddy system, you didn't bring a whistle or a bullhorn along, and you have no access to chips of any kind. You're lost. And I've got one thing to say to you: YE WER STUPID! But anyway, now that you're actually lost and all that, that won't help much. It's time to get un-lost.

Don't be fooled, though. There are right and wrong ways to do it. This guide will tell you how to do it right!

Step 1: Analyze your Surroundings

If you can see this around you, you're most likely not in Canada.

The first step of getting yourself un-lost is knowing just where you've become lost in. Take a moment to analyze your surroundings. Look for possible clues that could point to where you are.

Are you on a boat?

Can you see any sort of rope around you? Does the air reek of fish or dead raccoons? Then chances are good that you are on a boat. Whether or not it can be possible to get un-lost in this state depends on just what kind of boat you're on. If you find that the boat on which you have seemingly hitched a ride is a speedboat, or the Mayflower, all you need to do is look for land. If you're on a canoe, though, good luck.

Also, don't get off the boat. It doesn't matter what some people think. You won't be found any quicker if you aren't on the boat.

Tip

If you can see any people around you, ask them random questions. For example, "Zimbabwe?" If they don't answer, chances are good that you're not in Zimbabwe.

Are you in the Old West?

The Old West can be hard to distinguish from Mexico, so make sure you have a good eye. If you're in the Old West, cacti will most often lean slightly to the east, but in Mexico, they will almost always lean toward the west. This is a subtle difference, but it is indeed there.

Also, if you happen to be riding a horse, don't get off.

Are you in Canada?

Are there any bottles of maple syrup, packages of ham, or sasquatches around? Well then, that's easy. You're in Canada!

Are you under the porch?

If it is dark, smells like mildew and/or wet dog, and somewhat cramped, you're more likely than not under someone's porch. Get out from under there and consider seeing a counselor, because you're probably a bit aggravated.

Step 2: See if You Brought Snacks

Most Lance snack crackers work very well as snacks. If this is what you happen to have, consider yourself very lucky.

Given that you could go a long time out there before you get un-lost, make sure that if you have brought anything edible, eat it all right away. The best places to check for snacks is the pockets, especially those with snack pouches. Check them right away.

Step 3: Dance!

Another good thing to do when you have been lost is to dance. I mean, who doesn't love something as pure and wholesome as some good dancing? Try some ballet, or maybe just interpretive dancing if you're not that hardcore. Also, breakdancing can be worth a try in this scenario. Given that dancing is so well-liked, it's highly likely that someone will see you dancing and come to your aid.

Step 4: Take Out Your Bouncy Ball

If you've gotten lost and are still waiting to get un-lost at this point, it can be a good opportunity to get better at bouncing your ball. What you should do first is throw the ball as high as you can, then let it fall and bounce on the ground. Count its number of bounces before it goes still. Keep bouncing the ball over and over and see how low a number of bounces you can get. Six bounces is really good. Five is even better!

Tip

Do not let anyone take your bouncy ball. If a child, or an old man, tries to take your ball, get in his face and say NO! That way, he will leave.

Step 5: Make Sure You Haven't Just Been At Home the Whole Time

Don't call us crazy. This is actually a common occurrence. Take a quick check, just to be sure.

Step 6: Well... Um...

If, by this point, you have not gotten un-lost, looked at funny, or noticed by anyone, you're on your own. What, did you expect us to give out some surefire, foolproof way to get yourself un-lost instantly? Unfortunately for you, no, we can't do that. What gave you that idea? At this point, you will need to take matters into your own hands. Good luck!