HowTo:Disperse an angry mob of protesters

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Baton and shield charge

An angry, political mob has taken over the capital, and has been holding the nation hostage by bringing the city to a stand-still. A National Emergency has been declared but the mob doesn’t care about law and order. Their job is to incite violence. The mob is breaking every law in the book. This has been the case for two months already. Enough is enough! It’s now time to actually, physically disperse the demonstrators, and you prefer to achieve this without causing any deaths or injuries – or at least appearing non-violent. But the mob is armed to the teeth, and paid, instructed, no, ordered, to overthrow the government or burn down the country trying. The situation is anarchy. This is a very volatile situation, where the violent mob tries to provoke a lawful response. That’s what the political mob boss (and there is usually a mob boss who organizes and pays the mob) wants.. to have the protesters killed - so they can accuse the government of rights abuses. And the protesters are simply too dull to understand that they're being used as pawns, and can only spend riot pay in the depths of hell.

Angry Mob[edit]


An angry mob - who have all vowed to fight to the death. These are usually a hired-gang-of-off-season-farmers. They are paid law-breakers, but also your country-men and country-women, who are pawns in village politics, and enamored by Chairman Mao and his Red methods of violent, in-your-face revolution. They think, “I’m born poor because the rich are born rich!” There is no question that they MUST be stopped. The Nation and its citizens are begging the authorities to take action to end the demonstration. The Army is hesitant to act, but willing to do so if unavoidable. The authorities have every right to crack down, but if they do attempt to enforce law and order some people will get hurt and then the government might be condemned by the UN Security Council - which is exactly what the protest leaders want.

Angry Mob Dispersal Methods[edit]

Considering the goal is to disperse the mob of armed protesters you have a few methods to choose from. Consider carefully what course of action to take. And remember, it really depends on the threat level COLOR CODE. The color codes and their appropriate responses are given below:

Some mob gear confiscated from unarmed protesters

CODE: Green = Stupid Mob Control[edit]

Spook'em: Employ Jack Bauer clones to rappel down ropes from choppers right into the center of the mob. As a result of their awesomeness they will find it quite easy to simply arrest the protest leaders and then order, no, demand the crowd to leave. NOW! Tinkerbell will appear and sprinkle magic pixie dust on the crowd, who will then embrace peace, clean up all their rubbish, wash their hands and quietly go home! After that you can immediately re-inhabit the sparkling clean area.

The main reasons why this is called the stupid method is because only an idiot believes in Tinkerbell.

CODE: Orange = Normal Mob Control[edit]

Duke'em: Tear gas, baton and shield charge against a mob armed with war weapons and ammo, like sharpened bamboo spears, sling-shots, T-55 main battle tanks, BTR-60 APCs, as well as small arms like, M1 carbines, MAS-36 rifles, MAT-49 submachine guns, MP40 submachine guns, PPS-43 submachine guns, plus miscellaneous weapons such as M16 rifles, M79 grenades and flame-throwers? Totally hopeless! People might get hurt. Way too ugly! After that you might have to wait 5 years to re-inhabit the contaminated area.

Better forget this blunt instrument. So what's next on the list?

Too loud. Too funky.

CODE: Purple = Smart Mob Control[edit]

Nuke'em: A great method is to nuke the mob with a small tactical H-bomb. A Tomahawk cruise missile tipped with a W80 thermonuclear warhead would be just about right. If you don't already have one in stock, well, then you're out of luck. First inform and evacuate all non-protesters. After evacuation is complete, give the mob a two second advance warning, then KABLAM! This will totally eliminate the protesters by burning them all to ashes. Then you simply sweep up what is left. No evidence. No arrests. After that you must wait 500 years to re-inhabit the contaminated area.

Nah, you'll probably decide against that option. What you really need to do is take drastic action that doesn’t include nukes. Too loud. Too funky.

CODE: Brown = Ingenious Mob Control[edit]

The very last resort.

Skunk'em: Contact your nation’s Ambassador in America to contact California's Governor to have some people go catch 10 or more Skunks from California brush land. Seal the creatures in a disposable air-tight, oxygenated container. Ship the obnoxious animals to the protest, and then have the Army, who should wear full-body scuba-tanks and suits, release the verminous scourge from helicopters right into the middle of the mob. PRESTO! After that you must wait 5,000 years to re-inhabit the contaminated area.

So, while not really practical, using wild California skunks is the best and least violent means of crowd dispersal.

Conclusion: Skunk the mob[edit]

So, there you have it. Employ ever-more drastic measures, all culminating in the unspeakable, i.e., releasing skunks into the crowd. Skunking the mob, while not really moral, is, none the less the most effective mob dispersal method known to Uncyclopedia.

  • Long-lasting
  • Non-violent
  • Guaranteed
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