HowTo:Defend your Home

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Jews!!! And they're gay too. Where does their depravity end? This is what you must defend yourself from.

Hey YOU! Yes, you. Defending yourself from pushy minorities? Making a desperate last stand against an inexplicable endless horde of zombies? Or just interested in a weird, macabre kind of way? Are you a fatalistic weirdo? Whether you're a failed divorced father of two or a grizzled, one-eyed war veteran, this guide is for you.

Killer pot-smoking Arabian terrorists, Jews cavorting openly in the streets, a Black Panther in the White House. We all have something to fear, whether its the Mexicans relentlessly trying to sell you tortilla chips, a desperate battle for the last of the food or oil or the inevitable zombie-ridden post-apocalyptic future. It has never been a more dangerous time to be alive.

This is the ultimate one-size-fits-all guide to defending your home against zombies, terrorists, Jews and other dangerous minorities. In this guide, you will learn the best techniques for defeating enemies while creating a thoroughly cinematic experience.

Step One: Board up doors and windows[edit]

Jane Fonda doesn't care who you are or what you've done, she just wants to get you!!!

You don't want terrorists breaking down your front door and zapping your family with heat vision, do you? Of course you don't. As the Scouts say: "Be prepared". And that means for every eventuality, including a Jewish coup d'état. It is wise to keep this items in your home at all times, just in case. In this section, you will require the following items:

  • Timber planks
  • Masonry nails
  • PVA or other adhesive (optional)

To board up windows, place a long plank across the window frame and hammer a masonry nail in there. If you have a timber home [1] then the nails will go in fairly easy. If you have a normal home, the nails may bend on the normal concrete walls. If so, glue a board to the wall using PVA\superglue and hammer the nail into that. Feel free to break the glass to create extra hazards later.[2]

The door is roughly the same, but you need a stout, long plank, and you can nail into the door frame. You may want to set up Claymore anti-personnel mines (if you are a disgruntled ex-Marine or Charlton Heston) facing the door to blow zombies into small pieces.

Step Two: Lock yourself (and maybe your family if you're feeling generous) in the basement[edit]

You don't want lumbering, stupid zombies finding you, do you? Of course not. In this section, you will learn how to lock yourself in your basement the sensible way. Remember that if there is a zombie attack there may also be a causative nuclear winter, so make sure to stock up well in advance. You will need seven items for this section

  • Shotgun and ammo.
  • Family.
  • Tinned food
  • Water.
  • Chainsaw\Axe.
  • Blankets.
  • Your HowTo guide.

First, grab your shotgun and family etc. in a wild panic and drag them into the basement. Lock the reinforced steel door behind and check that you have everything. If not, make sure to panic and blow things out of proportion. This will make the subsequent movie more emotionally involving.

Step Three: Cower in Fear[edit]

You don't want your family to be calm, do you? Of course not. What if the zombies come in and eat you brains? You won't be so calm then. Firstly, wrap your wife and/or children in blankets and sit quietly while breathing heavily. Keep shotgun loaded with the safety catch in the "off" position and leave a chainsaw or axe close at hand.

Repeat the phrase "We're all going to die" over and over under your breath and react like a startled bull at slight noises. Remember, it could be behind you. Pacing around and asking your clueless wife "what are we going to do?" will help to improve the atmosphere. Repeat random damning passages from the Bible, especially the Book of Revelations. It may or may not help.

Step Four: Kill Everything[edit]

You don't want things to live, do you? Of course not. When something comes through door, blast it without thinking. Make sure its dead by hacking it mercilessly with a chainsaw, until out of breath and soaked with unholy blood. Repeat "until it's safe". [3]

“Article 5 Section Twelve of the constitution says that you can shoot people if they come into your house and they look "rapey"”

~ A Criminal Lawyer on Defending your Home

It may have been your grandma or neighbour who came through the door. Oh well. Never liked them anyway. Get a very good criminal lawyer to argue the point "We thought it were a zombie." Repeat from first step.

It is possible that you may have overreacted to a spoof news broadcast like the Onion. If so, you may claim that you were "doing it ironically" to avoid ridicule.


  1. ^  You freak.
  2. ^  May lower the value of your home.
  3. ^  It is possible that the zombies were purposely created by an ancient Cabal for some abstract reason beknownst only to themselves in which case you may need to join a shadowy resistance movement and roam a grim nightmare city fighting your way through hordes of flesh eating creatures. Or not, indeed.