HowTo:Care for a goldfish

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All the world's fish might be dead pretty soon, thanks to global warming. Of course, global warming doesn't really exist - not according to experts such as "dave of sydney", author of various comments posted underneath online news articles.

But in the unlikely event that dave of sydney and others of the Online Comment School are mistaken in their meticulous researches, we do face the prospect that the only fish we'll have left are those we keep as pets in tanks. Those, and the marshmellow ones they sell in New Zealand. That's why we here at Uncyclopedia have created a HowTo guide for taking care of goldfish.

If your goldfish looks like this when you finish, you haven't follow these steps correctly.

Small disclaimer: If all the world's fish do in fact perish, it's worth bearing in mind that that will immediately lead to a mass collapse of all eco-systems and an end to most life, including humanity, in which case this guide won't be a great deal of use. So you may just wish to use it as a regular guide to goldfish care in the meantime, and forget about this long-winded and quite frankly, tedious segue.

The Tank

Goldfish are best kept in a tank. Without one, they don't seem to last very long. You also get an awful lot of water on the floor.

The next question is what material your tank should be made from. For sturdiness, keep your fish in a tank made of concrete or thick, black leather. Some argue that these materials tend to obstruct one's view of the pet. It's not impossible, however, to see fish in a concrete tank - whenever you wish to relax and watch your fish at play, simply remove the lid and submerge your entire head upside-down inside the aqueous environment.

Goldfish like to upgrade their environment from time to time.

An equally popular option is for the tank to be made of something see-through, such as glass. For those who work in the real estate industry, you could also try making your tank out of solid diamond or platinum. Or, for those of you who are merely clients of someone in real estate, try constructing your tank out of cling wrap and dried saliva.

The size of your tank is also quite important. As a general rule, you should avoid keeping a fish that is larger than the tank.

Be warned, a common mistake for first-time fish owners is to store their goldfish in an army tank. This is not recommmended, especially by the fish.

Preparing the Tank

Before adding your goldfish, we recommend filing your tank with water. While dry tanks are excellent for storing jewellery or old recipts, they're not ideal environments for fish.

You can try filling the tank with other liquids instead, such as orange juice, coconut cream or diesel - just as long as you never put the goldfish into said tank. This, however, rather defeats the purpose of the whole exercise. Come to think of it, we'll probably remove this tip from the next edition of the Guide. And this recommendation to fill the tank with boiling hot oil will also be deleted from future editions.

Decorating the Tank

You can also decorate your tank with sport items and combine sports with fun

It's important to furnish your tank appropriately. Most tanks contain plants and rocks, but rarely do people consider installing something in case their fish becomes tired and needs a good sit down. We recommend placing a tiny sofa and television in the tank for such occasions. If you happen to have a very small Nintendo Wii, that would also be greatly appreciated by your fish. However, it is advised to avoid loading it with any games involving sharks as Goldfish are sensitive to extreme shock. Also installing a miniature trampoline for your fishy pet will always led to tragedy. They can't resist bouncing up and down until they finally clear the surface of the tank.

Choosing a Fish

These will not make good pets.

It is essential to choose the correct store when buying a fish. Fishmongers are best avoided, as not only do they not sell goldfish, but the fish they do sell are already dead. Or, even less helpful, frozen and sliced into delicious fillets. Fish fillets will leave your tank water rather dirty, and they don't look especially appealing in there either. Even with a couple of plants.

An equally poor investment is to place crumbed fish fingers into one's tank. Fish fingers are not at all lively, and tend to float idly on the surface.

The ideal place to buy a fish is in fact a pet store. Even then, you must be vigilant about exactly which creature you select to take home. A classic warning sign that you've chosen wrongly is when, while placing your pet into the tank, they struggle wildly and demand loudly in a clear English speaking voice that you put them down immediately. These symptoms indicate that you've accidentally taken home the owner of the pet store, rather than a fish. An easy mistake to make for the unwary novice!

Training Your Fish

It may be benefitial for your goldfish if you train it self-defence as well as more common tricks.

Goldfish can perform many exciting circus-style tricks when trained correctly. While feeding them bits of food as a reward for the correct behaviour, encourage your fish to Sit! Roll over! And fetch!

These tricks work even better when you replace your fish with a dog.

Feeding Your Fish

Feeding your fish is one of the most important steps. You have to feed your fish on a daily basis, otherwise it's going to die. However, goldfish are a fickle creature, as if you spoil the ungrateful things with excess food, they also die. To make them eat all the food they are given while at the same time preventing their death, the owner, you, must adopt a strict, parental approach. Say things like "I'm sure a child in Africa would appreciate this goldfish food." The advantage here is that goldfish are also very emotional creatures and so therefore cannot respond to comments like that (or language in general) due to the immense amount of empathy they feel. To deliver the coup de grace, follow up that comment by saying "If you are silent, then that means you want to eat everything." The goldfish will obey.

If you have any further questions about aspects of goldfish care not covered in this guide, then you're probably getting a bit too fussy about some dreary old fish. Go out and get yourself a real pet.