HowTo:Burn a flag in protest
Is something getting you down lately? Well, what better way to vent your frustration by burning the flag of another sovereign nation? And what do you know? Here's how to!
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The Reason[edit]
Sadly, you must have a reason to burn your flag of choice. Otherwise, all the fun will be taken out of the act through repetition.
Luckily the reason can be anything; with tax rises, pay cuts, traffic jams, ill-advised cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad, your cricket team losing and Richard Gere not keeping his unquenchable thirst for the female form to himself all being viable reasons.
Of course, there's always that old chestnut of being the victim of a United States funded regime change. But that's just scraping the barrel really, isn't it?
The Flag[edit]
Once the embers of fury are seeded you must choose a flag to burn.
You could go for the tried and tested flags of the U.S. or Israel. Or perhaps one of those new Danish ones that go up a treat. And if you're a postmodernist flag burner, you could burn the flag of Switzerland! For an extremely radical choice, why not go for a flag of a former soviet republic that most people born a while before 1991 won't have heard of such as that of Azerbaijan. Or, go one better and maybe burn the flag of a state that doesn't exist like Transnistria!
Make sure you avoid the most amateurish mistake in the book: buying an asbestos flag. To avoid this costly and embarrassing mistake:
- Take a nail
- Make a small scratch on the flag
- Take a big sniff.
If you're still alive 20 years later, you've got a good 'un. If not, sell it to a local watering hole as a dart board and let the hilariousness ensue.
The size of the flag can also be important. While it is recommended that you burn the standard [1] there are other choices available. You may wish to make a statement and buy a flag the size of a small European micro-state. Or, if you're operating on a budget, you could opt for the cheaper option of buying hundreds of paper sandcastle flags. Leaving you with the possibility of a hilarious arrangement of burning flags made to look like an obscenity. But if you cannot find the flag you want, improvise! If you squint, the flag of Switzerland looks like Denmark's. If rotated, the flag of Malta can look like Poland's. And a common garden shrub sellotaped to a bathroom towel can look like the flag of Lebanon!
Preparation[edit]
After the asbestos check, you must find a location for "the big burn". Popular destinations include embassies, palaces, government buildings, celebrities' homes and outside the shop where you bought the flag you lazy bastard.
Of course, a way of setting the flag alight is also needed. Aside from the obvious ways of burning things, it is suggested that you avoid the use of flamethrowers, Molotov cocktails and dragons in crowded areas.
Burning Your Flag[edit]
Do not try and write your name in the air with the burning flag as if it's a sparkler! Those flagpoles are heavy and your friend's eyebrows will cease to be.
After all that half-arsed preparation and thought you put into this you need to make sure that you burn the damn thing right and make the best statement possible. Making this statement is luckily many easy thanks to those desperate barrel scrapers at Fox News. Take advantage of the fact and alert them of your plans! They always love this shock value shit. And what better way to make a statement than by horrifying neo-cons?
Once the camera crews have arrived you must light your flag. Gather a few of your (preferably boozed up hysterical) mates around to provide the starting of a crowd, then light it. Do not worry about your facial expression when the flames take hold; that wide-eyed, open-jawed look that makes you look like a nine-year-old pulling the wings off a butterfly is to be expected.
Once the flames are taking hold a bit, wave it around a bit (but not in a homosexual, Olympic gymnast way) for maximum impact. Perhaps stamp on it, spit on it or beat it with your shoe - whatever feels right.
Of course, there are risks involved with all that fire.
But nothing that could happen isn't curable by a bit of bedrest[2].