HMS Invisible

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Ordered: 27 September 1939
Laid down: 3 January 1941
Launched: 13 June 1942
Commissioned: 13 June 1942
Decommissioned: 9 December 1977
Fate: MIA 10 December 1977
Struck:   —
General Characteristics
Misplacement: Pacific/Atlantic/Arctic ocean/The pub
Length: Approx. 300 ft 12 in gun deck
Height: Approx. 100 ft
Result: Confusing
Propulsion: Dog furnace (dogs)
Speed: Quickish
Range: Unlimited
Complement: "You look nice today"
Armament: 30 quarter pounders on the forecourt
Motto: "where's the door?"
Lunch Special: Shepherds Pie

Once flagship of the Royal Navy, the battleship H.M.S. Invisible stands as a proud and glorious monument to Britain's Naval heritage. It was designed by Arctic explorer Condoleezza Rice in 1942, and remained in service until 1977.

The ship was constructed from high tech BennyHillium alloys, and as such was completely invisible to the naked eye, and quite blurry even on other wavelengths. Initial construction took place in Taiwan; however, due to an arms embargo imposed by the Chinese for British human rights offences, it had to be delivered to England disguised as 166,000 flat-pack display cupboards, and manually assembled in the Admiralty's living-room. (This dramatic story is recounted in the Oscar-winning documentary You Only Live Twice.)

The Invisible was the first true stealth ship. On commission, the ship's see-through-ness quickly proved it ideal for reconnaissance, although it is less suited to fine manouevres. It has sunk without trace no fewer than 4 times, having collided on several occasions with the scattered remnants of Edwina Currie. Nonetheless, the then First Sea Lord Winston Churchill commended the design, saying that the sight of its majestic bow wave surging up the Thames was enough to temporarily lift the life-long burden of his 'black dog', narcolepsy.

Crewmen and women of the Invisible were sworn to an oath of secrecy when accepting their station aboard this giant of the seas; equally, any sailor informing another that they have served on the ship is no doubt a member of the counter-intelligence services, solemnly fabricating tales of fictitious foreign postings (such are often resold as novels).

After over 35 years' service, Invisible was superseded, considered obsolete by H.M.S. Impossible. The next day, the Captain, in a drunken fit, lost the keys and the invisible was never found again.

See Also[edit]