Google Mini

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A prototype Google Mini musicplayer

The Google Mini is Google's next step in total world domination. They plan to jump on Apple's brilliant iPod bandwagon, and produce a music player of their own. At first glance, anyone can see that Google has invented something new and different, and that it is in no way ripped off from Apple. The Google Mini, however is not just a funny music player, it can be hooked up to any computer running the Google Operating System (GOS) through Google's version of USB (GooSB). Once hooked up to the computer the Google Mini's hidden functions become activated, as it lets Google Command know all the information it has gathered about you.

Features of the Google Mini[edit]

  • It can play music. However only music downloaded from the Google Music Store, uploaded through a GooSB cable and listened to using Google headphones. But other than that, yes, it plays music.
  • Allows for easy searching. All you have to do is think of the first couple lines of a song, press the "Google Search" button on the face plate. The Google Mini will process your thoughts, and give you a list of songs with matching lyrics as your search. Note: May not work with black people's brains.
  • I'm Feeling Lucky button. Also on the face plate is a "I'm Feeling Lucky" button. Once pressed, this button will direct you to the nearest bank, so that you may steal some more money to give to Google. The directions are given through subliminal messages inserted into the current song.
  • Lower Battery Life. Due to all of the fancy features in the Google Mini, it's battery life is 15 minutes per battery. If you would like to increase the battery life by 45 minutes, you can buy a Google Solar Panel at the Google homepage, for the low price of $10,000.
  • Mind Control Switch. This switch is on the back of the Google Mini and by default is turned on. The Mind Control Switch allows Google to transmit messages to you, via your Google Mini, that will tell which songs to download from the Google Music Store.
    Note: Only highly priced song titles will be broadcast - expect to spend between $50 and $60 on music without knowing why when this switch is turned on.
  • Google Earth Manifesto. A small propaganda-on-tape message narrated by Morgan Freeman which details Google's plans for world domination, how Google intends to achieve world domination, and where you, as a loyal member of the Google Earth fit into these plans. When Google was questioned about this controversial feature, Larry and Sergey came out wearing business casual, telling everyone that everything was fine and no one went inexplicably evil.

Release date[edit]

The Google Mini is now in beta testing. It may still be in beta testing for a few months/years. This is because Google has not yet perfected it's Mind Control, and people who listen to their Google Mini with the Mind Control Switch set to ON tend to kill between 50 and 60 people with names similar to songs and musicians, such as Elenor Rigby of Pikering, Ontario, Canada and Dave Mustardstain of Mesa, Arizona. The United States Government has, because of these murders, disallowed Google from finishing it's beta test until it can learn to control Mind Control. The Government doesn't yet know about the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button, however they would probably approve of it.

How to become a beta tester?[edit]

Due to the supersecret nature of Google Beta testing, in order to join the test one must visit Google headquarters on a Friday night with a bag full of puppies. Leave the bag in the bushes outside sector B19 and wait for Larry E. Page (the captain of the Google Secret Service football team) to walk along the ajoining boardwalk. As he steps on the 112th wooden plank, make the sound of a galloping horse (remember to stand underneath him at this point). If you do this correctly he should walk towards the bushes, take one of your puppies, bite its head off and walk slowly through the door labeled "Google Mini Beta Testers Only". Follow him, making no noise, until he puts on his gasmask and the hallway fills with gas. When you wake up you will be in the 42 Street-Time Square subway station, with a Google Mini in one pocket, a copy of Larry's business card in the other and massive anal pain.