German Shepherd

The German shepherd is a breed of dog created by nazis in 1941 when they needed a canine that smelled allied soldiers. It's well known for ironically adorable "happy dance" behavior right before killing its unfortunate victim. Unlike the chihuahua, the German Shepherd cannot be crushed with the stomp of a large boot. Due to the heavy armor they possess, killing a German Shepherd requires the use of weapons like flamethrowers, Anti-Tank weapons, Armor piecing bullets or RPGs to ensure it is destruction and stop it from killing you and your loved ones. A recent unconfirmed report states that after ingesting 5 quarts of undercooked pork and sauerkraut from an unattended counter top Crock-Pot a German Shepherd achieved a speed .7 c (70% of the speed of light) through digestive pulse detonation propulsion, making the German Shepherd the first interstellar canine breed averaging over 40lbs (see Maltese / Jalapeno Jelly incident).

History

During the first World War, future Nazi leader Adolf Hitler lost one of his balls due to a serious injury. Hitler had the habit of masturbating using a special kind of oil he placed on his penis (after several minutes of trying to find his penis first), and the oil had a distinct smell. A nearby hungry dog, hopeful that the strange smell meant food didn't think twice about storming into Hitler's tent and biting one of his balls off.

Years later, when the German people finally got desperate enough to elect Hitler as Chancellor, he thought of ways to subdue the world - obviously, dogs were the first thing to pop up in his traumatized mind. He told Goebbels to rape a bitch ("No, not your wife, Gob. The animal. Any generic dog.") and bring it to the Nazi scientists. Months later the bitch gave birth to the first German Shepherd, who promptly ate one Nazi scientist who later proved to be a British spy. Satisfied, Hitler started using this new breed of dog to hunt those who opposed the Third Reich - and to give Goebbels something to stick his dick in when his wife wasn't in the mood.

How to Successfully Save Yourself From a German Shepherd

Let's assume a German Shepherd is nearby, has identified you as the enemy, and you're made out of tasty, tasty flesh. Not good. Here are a few ways of saving yourself:

• Throw your mother-in-law at it and, while it's busy eating her, incinerate both with a flamethrower. Win-win solution. (It's best to pre-chop your mother-in-law first)

• RUN. It just might think you're not worth the effort or decide to kill someone else during the pursuit.

• Pray. Who knows, maybe God is passing nearby and gives a poop.

• Put on a Hillary Clinton mask. This will cause the K-9 to vomit and become violently ill (be warned that prolonged exposure to the mask may cause severe mental deterioration).

How to Successfully DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH due to a German Shepherd

• Put on an Allied soldier uniform.

• Bivouac within a kilometer of the closest German Shepherd.

• Sing the French National Anthem.

• Pray. Like in most cases, your praying will make you feel like you're doing something, but in reality, your face is getting chewed off by a giant, vicious dog.

• RUN. The German Shepherd will probably be angry that you don't want to make it easy on her or him and eat you slower.