Genital warts

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One of these girls has genital warts. Can YOU guess which one?

Like most sexually transmitted diseases, genital warts were unknown to exist prior to the 1960s "sexual revolution", a period of time when the oppressive religious monks (who were led by Oprah Winfrey) were overthrown by the introduction of cannabis, more commonly known as "the pill". The first doctor to discover genital warts was none other than Australia's "Dr. Death", so called due to his innate ability to perform autopsies during the night, when most other doctors are scared by werewolves. Despite what is believed (and hoped for) by the geek community, the first genital warts were found on a woman, which is approxmiately the same time women first admitted to using the bathroom. Genital warts are best described as "soft, moist, warm and flesh coloured clusters" which appear on the genitals; this description soon lead to every woman with a clitoris to be misdiagnosed with genital warts, beginning the fad of clit-piercing. The main problem associated with genital warts is a lack of consentual sex with anyone who is not infected, leaving you with nothing but cheap hookers to attend to. Other minor complications include (in most important to least important):

  • Uncomfortable toilet trips due to anal warts
  • Doctors are required by law to tell your mother and your father
  • Treatment involves placing lotion that burns on your genitals
  • High risk of cancer from the HPV infection that causes the warts

Recent proposals have been to offer a bounty on anyone with genital warts to stop their spread. However, many hippies (the main carriers of genital warts) have been protesting against the inhumanity of eradicating genital warts, as "virus' and warts have feelings too".

Spotting genital warts[edit]

Apart from using a condom and avoiding cheap skanks, there are other ways to prevent yourself from obtaning genital warts. Most notably is identifying anyone who has genital warts, and then running in the oppisite direction; rumour has it every disease except the flu can be transferred by breathing on people. As hinted at, anyone offering sex for money is likely to have genital warts (along with every pathogen known to humans, and many more not). Other signs include:

  • Being a member of a religious group (repent and thy warts shall go)
  • Moving to Canada, New Zealand or Paris
  • Anyone scratching their genitals and not looking at you sensually
  • Anyone who loves fungus just a bit too much
  • Anyone who comments you on your wonderfully unblemished skin
  • Also if you have been rubbing toads down there for some odd reason since when they pee they can create warts
  • Anyone who is stage manager in Proscenium.

It has been rumoured that North Korea has been manufacturing HPV to use as an attack against England, however the latest census shows 98% of Americans have gential warts anyway. This leaves many countries open to a genital wart terrorist attack.


While there is indeed a vaccination against genital warts, it is evil because reducing the dangers of having sex encourages more sex. It doesn't matter that it would be safer sex, it would still be more sex, and therefore this vaccination must be stopped!