Foulness Island

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Foulness Island Map is the largest island in Essex and the fourth largest island off the coast of England and lies approximately to 1,000,000 miles to the east of Southend-on-Sea. The island is primarily owned by the British Ministry of Defence (MOD) and access to it strictly controlled through a checkpoint manned by swarthy moustache wearing monster munch eating chavs dressed as yellow simpsonesque woman with only a pair of binoculars for comfort. My name's Andrew Steele and here is lenny


During the middle ages Foulness made its fortune by being the primary centre of the manufacture of fashion pus filled boils, costume scabs and artificial humps for the entire south east of England. Documents held in the parish church confirm that the Black Death was actually a fashion craze that was started on the island and spread through the land like the plague after racy woodcarvings of Lady Henrietta of Penge wearing a Foulness Island brand weeping sore were circulated through the newly opened chain of Ann Summers kinky chastity belt stores.

The island was very populous until 1798 when one of the residents dropped a Beef flavoured Pot Noodle on the floor, polluting the farmland. The contamination is thought to be deadly to human life until at least 2170.

The MOD invaded the island in 1895 and installed a puppet government which was headed by Sooty long before Ronnie Corbett met him and shoved his hand up the puppet's arse.

Artillery Range[edit]

Bang! Arthur Lowe as Captain Mainwaring and the cast of Dad's Army shoot down a low flying UFO in 1971

Off the coast of Foulness lies the unique habitat of Maplin Sands which is used by the military to test fire its collection of alien weaponry. These armaments include the enormous haul that was recovered when the cast of the British 70s Second World War sitcom Dad’s Army shot down a UFO whilst on location filming their 1971 feature film in Norfolk.

The sands are an ideal place to test fire exotic military hardware, as they are a major attraction to the world’s bird population. The mud is kept at a constant 27 degrees Celsius through undersea electric heaters which until 2002 were powered by the nearby Bradwell Nuclear power station. Power is now derived from a very long cable that runs to the Borssele Nuclear Generation plant in Holland, which was installed covertly by a crack team of 250 SAS engineers one Sunday night after the pubs had shut. Being so warm, Maplin houses the largest flock of flamingos on the planet, totaling more birds than the entire flamingo population of Africa.

The birds are a perfect target at which to test fire the alien equipment and at full capacity over 200 of them can be incinerated per minute. Actual scientific research into the weaponry ceased in 1975 but the tests continue to this day just to see if anything has changed. It is widely rumored that Prince Phillip likes to come down to take the occasional potshot with the rail gun at passing Ospreys when he is not insulting foreigners.

Army Presence[edit]

At over 6000 acres and only 40 miles from London, Foulness has been pivotal in the creation of the United Kingdom’s clone army which is being developed to invade Belgium and take control of the European Union. Currently there are over a hundred regiments stationed on the island with nearly half a million troops ready to perform an all out assault on Brussels the moment anybody apart from Tony Blair is declared President of Europe. The troops are fed on a diet of porridge and Turkey Twizzlers.


Noel Edmunds had his helicopter fitted with air to ground missiles at Foulness.

The swarthy moustache wearing armed midgets that protect the perimeter of the island are grown on a farm just outside Cirencester by reformed Armenian badger baiters.