HowTo:Be An Evil Star Emperor
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It's all right to admit it- we've all been there. Most of us always will be. Even the nicest, least sociopathic of us wants to be an evil galactic Emperor sometimes. But many people fail in their quests for ultimate power, or feel themselves inadequate for the job. This guide will teach you just How To Be An Evil Star Emperor.
First things first[edit]
Some guides would tell you that you first need to find a territory to rule over, or to wait for technology to evolve to the point where a star empire is practical or even possible. But what do they know? The first step any evil overlord must take is to develop and learn their evil laugh.
Make sure you give yourself chance to clear your lungs first; doing a little dance routine will provide the time you need, and keep your subordinates entertained.
If your voice isn't deep enough, try breathing helium the rest of the time. That way, when you come to laugh, you'll sound particularly impressive.
Even if you're a six-year-old girl, a high-pitched little giggly titter isn't going to cut it. You need to have a deep, booming laugh, the kind that will have your sycophantic aides laughing along while you orchestrate the destruction of your enemy's battlefleet. Take a good, deep breath and really exaggerate those "ha"s. Let the universe know that you're here, you're evil, and you're amused.
Your next step[edit]
So you've got your evil laugh. That's good. But you're going to need a new name, because "Robert Jones" or similar is just not good enough. The first part of your name is the adjectives. Pick at least two or three good ones. "High" is always popular, as is "Supreme". Hey, even I like to be called "Divine" once in a while. Or you could get creative and use ones like "Autocratic" or "Poignant".
For the next part you're going to need a title. If you're a traditionalist, then "Lord" is a classic, but star empires are all about the future, and futuristic-sounding yet utterly improbable names. I personally like "Techno-ultramaster" myself.
Finally you'll need your actual name. It's got to sound sinister and foreboding, and it must not, under any circumstances, be a real name. For that slightly sinister sound, you can't beat a name like "Vectiss". Listen to the way it hisses. Isn't that a beautiful sound? Doesn't it inspire fear in weak-willed minions? That's the kind of effect you want.
Examples of names[edit]
- Imperial (adjective) Emperor (title) Snoggett (name)
Verdict: Bad. It's got all the required elements, but there's not nearly enough adjectives in there, never mind the lack of variety. And that name is appalling. You'll have your subordinates sniggering behind your back with a name like that. And we don't want that, now, do we?
- Supreme Almighty Photoquantum (adjectives) Megacommander (title) Catratectus (name)
Verdict: Much better! Three-fifths of those words are entirely made up and they all sound exceedingly evil. And that name is begging to be slowly enunciated by someone running your secret police. Now you've got a name, this is a good opportunity to practice your evil laugh again. Don't let yourself get rusty!
- Odds Botkins The Third
Having a Battlefleet[edit]
This next part is vital. Now that you've got the basics down (and are you keeping on practicing that laugh?), it's time to get serious. A battlefleet is key to any evil star empire, and if your ships aren't at least a kilometre long and capable of blowing up entire star systems, then you're just not putting in enough effort.
Careful selection is important, especially if your budget is limited. You can pick up old used warships from any good second-hand garage (or ebay), but we all know what those dealers are like. They promise a Death Star and deliver an Apollo capsule. Make sure everything is in working order and that you're not going to have an antimatter leak five light-years down the space lanes. You could, alternatively, build your own starship.
Where to from here?[edit]
That's the important stuff covered. There is more to being an evil Emperor than this, of course. We haven't even begun to cover things like fighting interstellar battles or dealing with scheming rebels. But those are trivial matters, and the best way to learn is to learn from experience. And if you've really been working at that evil laugh, you should have no problems at all.