HowTo:Be a high command officer to an evil star emperor

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos

So you've always dreamed of being evil star emperor, but you have neither the stones nor the evil laugh to make it in the big league? Never fear! You can join the ranks of your Supreme Megadeathczar Pterranus's high command officers.

The look[edit]

This is what you're aiming for

The key to being an evil emperor's subordinate is all in your style. A good officer's appearance always starts from the bottom up. When you are dealing with so many boot-lickers, you absolutely need to maintain your shoes. For a truly evil officer, black jackboots are a must. While brown boots are arguably more stylish, they are a dead giveaway that you are secretly harbouring rebel sympathies - just not evil enough! Moving upwards, your uniform should be absolutely immaculate, while conforming to regulation 100%. While your soul may long for unorthodox berets, feathers, bells and whistles, resist the urge! The last thing your lord and master wants is a maverick! Finally, your face. You have two main options here: a) a military moustache or b) creepy sunken eyes. This choice is entirely up to you. You may consider taking on some truly memorable other features, such as an eyepatch, a grizzly scar, or purple skin. But make sure you never, ever smile! At most, you may break into a smirk whenever you are dealing with rebel scum.

Getting to the top[edit]

Now that you look the part, you'd better start making your way through the ranks, because frankly an Ensign decked out like an Admiral looks a little ridiculous. Fortunately it's all very easy! Simply don't do anything blatantly incompetent and don't say anything that appears to question the Glorious Leader's judgement. Then, and here's the real trick, make sure you're always standing within a few feet of someone who is likely to make these rookie mistakes. When they are brutally executed, you'll be promoted by the sole virtue of not being the other guy. With a little luck, you can get to be the Admiral of the Fleet in no time!

What to do when you get there[edit]


It never hurts to have a moment of genuine brilliance early on. A single glorious victory as a young Captain can be the foundation for a whole career. Just look at John McCain!

So you've scaled the ranks with ease and are now perched eagerly on the Megadeathczar's shoulder. Now what? Firstly, you should make sure to interact with your inferiors with an air of pompous indignation and a hint of smouldering rage. Be sure to arbitrarily kill the odd ensign. Meanwhile be utterly obsequious towards your C-in-C. Never presume to know more about your job than they do. Above all DON'T STUFF UP! And if you do, make sure all the blame can be quietly deflected onto a hapless subordinate. Never fail them: it will be the last time!

Use this as a handy guide for dealing with the local autocrat. Bad: - "I would have crushed the rebel scum if SOMEONE hadn't told me to send the fleet to the far side of the moon!" You fool! Now you're going to die a thousand deaths!

Good: - "I humbly beg for forgiveness, my liege (kiss your liege's ring). I would have done your bidding if Commodore Johnson over there hadn't been asleep on the job." Smooth! Go back to your whores, while Johnson is ground to a fine paste, used to season the emperor's peri-peri. Yes the emperor is Portuguese. What of it?

But Why???[edit]


A career in the army is not recommended for budding star officers. The fleet is the best path to power. And women!/men!

Why on earth would you want to be such a person anyway? Sure the money's good, as is the tequila, but it's just not worth it! What with your liege's deadly rage ever brewing, not to mention the disturbingly high chance of being killed by rebels, you're really better off being a quiet governor. Live on an island with a bunch of attractive slaves, all the while embezzling millions of tax credits to forge a mercenary legion, and ultimately take the throne itself.