Drunken neighbour

Dangerous scholarly work described below This study was undertaken by professionals who risked their lives in the field. Do not attempt such studies yourself. Approaching drunken neighbours risks disrupting the delicate natural balance of their habitat.

Certain residents of Hanover Street, that would be Number 409, get drunk every Friday night. Everyone in the neighborhood knows it, and you can devise a guess of the number of rounds they have drunk by their behaviour. (It is only a guess; their conduct is erratic and sometimes they get stuck in one phase, like the “Dancing to bad 80’s rock music” phase, despite moving on to subsequent rounds of beer.)

Beer Phases

First Round—Idle Chit-chat Phase

While waiting for the alcoholic effects to take control, conversation is dominated by stupid topics, such as “Which football player do I look like most?” and “Which latest celebrity is gay?”

Second Round—Gossip About Friends Phase

As the cheap liquor begins to take hold, conversation drifts toward absent friends, with the usual exclamations of “Oh my God, she’s gotten so fat!” and “Awwww, they’re so cute together!” This phase often blends into the following one.

Third Round—Stupid Joke Phase

As the group's collective intelligence begins to fly south for the night, the stupid jokes come out of hiding. It starts with the notorious “Chicken crossing the road” joke. Objects start being thrown during this phase, and music begins playing.

Fourth Round—First Deep Thinking Phase

When the stupid jokes are told or can no longer be remembered, talk becomes philosophical, with theories about the universe and about how everything happens for a reason. One may stare at the sky and say things like “Isn’t it amazing how the universe is so big and vast and we’re so tiny?” Wow, makes you wish they had invited you.

Fifth Round—Dirty Joke Phase

The transition from Deep Thinking is sudden (“Yeah, you are pretty tiny, Chris!”) and begins an avalanche of dirty jokes that lasts until someone gets slapped.

Sixth Round—Telling Chris To Put His Camera Away Phase

Everyone tells Chris to turn his camera off.

Seventh Round—Dancing To Bad 80's Rock Music Phase

Bad 80’s rock music is played, to the bad dancing of the subjects. Notorious dance moves such as the “Robot” and “Stirring the Pot” amuse the neighbours. For one subject, dance mimics wage-earning, except that thankfully, he doesn't still have a hammer in his hand. Music is usually turned up and hilarity ensues. Chris turns his camera back on discreetly. This phase goes for an extended period of time, usually until one or more "dancers" get tired or fall over.

Eighth Round—Singing To Bad 80’s Rock Music Phase

Entertainment of the neighbours lessens as bad dancing gives way to bad singing, notably to the work of John Farnham and other mullet-headed idols.

Ninth Round—Man-Love Phase

About now there is a momentary resurgence of Deep Thinking, not as deep as before, as the subjects spontaneously proclaim their devotion to one another. “Awwww, I love you guys” is often heard. "Not in a gay way."

Tenth Round of Beer—Censored

Subsequent behaviour would make a priest cry. Hose-fights are obligatory; clothing, not so much. The police may be called.

Aspirin Phases

First aspirin—“Who the Hell Are You?” Phase

Awakening the morning after (sometimes in odd places such as the front lawn), subjects try to identify various strangers who are still asleep (or unconscious, or dead).

Second aspirin—De-briefing Phase

Subjects, using their collective (and severely damaged) short-term memory, try to piece together the previous evening’s events. They may add events that never occurred, involving exotic animals. They may nervously call for real animals such as the family pet.

Third aspirin—Oh FUCK

Subjects realise that Chris's camera recorded everything.