Danny Alexander
| The Right Hideous Daniel Alexander, MP | |
|---|---|
| |
| Government: | Posh Etonian Wankers' Coalition |
| Occupation: | Secretary for Mel Gibson |
| Since: | 2010 |
| Predecessor: | King Edward I |
| Successor: | Fucking Wetbacks |
| Occupation: | Ugliest Man in Britain |
| Since: | 1972 |
| Predecessor: | The Elephant Man |
| Successor: | The Computer |
| Constituency: | (of face) Diarrhoea |
(All Rights of Danny Alexander's existence Reserved to Jim Henson's dead body and his moneysucking dog-impersonating children, who are in turn owned by Mickey Mouse)
Daniel Grisly Alexander (born 26 April 1986) is a Member of British Parliament, known chiefly for being the ugliest man in Britain, but also known for standing about in trains that don't yet exist while wearing a hard-hat, being likened to Beaker the Muppet (© Disney Corporation, ignore this notice at the risk of various counts of abuse from CEO Mr. Mickey Mouse), and searing the eyeballs of everyone who watches him on the news while words come out of his mouth which may or may not be of consequence; no one can hear them over the inferno of ugliness.
In 2010 under the coalition between the Tories and the Ol' Yellers, Shan Dan, as he isn't known colloquially, became the Secretary for Mel Gibson. In this post his main challenges were to tackle issues with alcoholism, sectarianism, racism, physical assault and egotism. Having grown up in Scotland he was said to be the best man for the job.
Early Life[edit]
Danny Alexander was born in the petrochemical plant at Grangemouth on 26 April 1986 to the Phantom of the Opera and Quasimodo. The mystic gypsy women told everyone he was a freak and he was removed from all social circles of his village, and so from that day forth decided that he would fight for good and justice by becoming a politician for the most powerless party in the Western hemisphere and helping out the Chancellor with paperwork and occasionally arcane sexual favours. He downplays the fact that he was Scottish because he wanted to impress his new rich playboy friends and doesn't want to be associated with such coarse acts as Oor Wullie.
The young Alexander moved to Oxford at the age of 5 to study Health & Beauty. He failed.
Career[edit]
There is no definite date at which Danny Alexander took the post of 'Visually Reprehensible Member' in the House of Commons, but no doubt it happened before 2006, as many people can remember the first time they saw a nauseating ginger thing in the corner of the Commons.
When the coalition appointed Alexander the Secretary for Mel Gibson in 2010, he had prospects both bleak and slightly less bleak. He would have to work with stinky old men like Vince Cable and Dr. Benjamin Deficit, Hollywood hoodlums like David Cameron and Jim Henson (Courtesy of Disney™© ℓ ®), a couple of impoverished nobodies whom he would have to pretend he cares about like Nick Clegg, and of course Mel himself, but he would make an extra buck and, if he were lucky, meet his hero Craig Whyte.
Relationship with George Osborne[edit]
As mentioned in 'Early Life', Danny Alexander became partner in crime to Osbo, their 'crimes' of course being looking like dickheads on the news. The two formed a 'master and servant (or secretary)' sadomasochistic relationship; having 'bonded' over a pint and laments of not having gone to Eton.
The two became very close over time; handcuffed at the waist they were literally inseparable. However their distinct private lives have been said to be affecting their public image--their 'master and servant' act is sometimes applied to real life: Osbo often sends up Danny to Scotland when he fears being egged by militant terrorists.