Celtic

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Bigotry?

Celtic trains often to maintain the high standards that have been associated throughout the club's history

“Up ra Shellik. um pyoor Irish cos ahv drunk a pint ahv Guinness.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Sellik

“Aye but the ref cheated us!”
~ Neil Lennon on Sellik

Once upon a time Sellik FC were a a swimming club from Ireland AKA Scotland . Now Known As Celtic We Like make Poo Poo in our Panties, they are the dumbest football club team in the history of football. They always attempt to touch their penises in a furtive manner when playing against other teams because of this Celtic players are well known for saying, "Look at me ah've goat a boaby soaz ah huv"

A typical Celtic fan watching the game on a very small television.

The crowd going ecstatic in the North Stand at Celtic Park.

Intelligence of Players and Fans

During a recent survey, the average IQ of a Celtic player was rougly about 4. This is the same level as a banana, in fact the average Celtic player is so dumb that he/she has to wear a nappy, he or she likes the smell of pee pee and poo poo.

Usually fans will attempt to change this page with rubbish alterations such as "Celtic are awesome" or "the players are all really clever." So from this it can be construed that most Celtic fans are humourless morons.

Update November 2010... Celtic fans attacking referees and their families. proper order, about time the referees in scotland were held into account for their right decisions especially in the games against the best side of glasgow, glesga Rangers

Current Manager

Their current manager Neil (Ahm a boaby soaz a ahm) Lennon is a prime example of stupidity, this is an attempt by him to make himself more accessible to the public and seem sage like.

"Me iz nil Lunnin. lik hid dog an bik,,, cd oooh hilp. lik celti, goali sail see big. ?????? fish? fish? fish? fish? hair?"

Translated as:

"Hi my name is Neil Lennon. In my spare time I like playing hide and seek with my dog, going cycling, and listening to music; however, I do not know how to work a CD player - I need some help with that - currently, my dog does it for me. Apart from being a successful manager for Celtic, I would like to sail around the world because my goalkeeper told me that the world is very big. What are the answers to the following questions. Do any fish live in the sea? Do fish watch television? Do fish have hands? I have never seen a fish wearing a swimming costume, does that mean that they swim naked or does it mean they swim with all their clothes on? Can I eat my own hair?"

Season 06-07

In the 2006-2007 seasons, Celtic took on the challenge of learning how to eat shite,and concentrated on winning the league aided by the fantastic management skills of Uber Gnome Gordon Strachan. In late 2006 Celtic fielded a team of cabbages to give the real stars a chance to go to school and learn how to write their names. These counterfeit McGeadys, Nakamuras and Lennon’s, in spite of their limited football ability, were more than capable of maintaining the facade that Celtic were a football team. Nakamura scored a last second goal vs. Kilmarnock to win the title. He is the best football player in the history of monkey spanking.

Honours

The Wash - A Rare and not exactly enjoyed tradition, that comes around less frequently than an intelligent Hun. Basically once in a Green Moon, so it only happened once (well twice, but we'll call it once) in 1967, when they all had to swim the English Channel twice (once there and once back)from the winning the "How long are yi gonny go oan about that Ancient fuckin history cup" trophy. Some Actually died, as the channel liquid substance wis Blue (a death colour for Timians), whereas other were burned and scarred for life by, this unnatural and strange liquid (to them)

Irish War of Independence 1921

Seven Celtic fans celebrate the discovery of fresh air, 1955, the first time any fans manage to escape from the Parkhead area..

Better than an asthmatic snail- 1888 - current

European Cup- 567 (Inter actually won the game but jinky went back to his days of house breaking and managed to blag it before anyone had noticed)

SPL (shite poofs league) champions- once . we hudtae let Rangers win mair than us honest !

Miscellaneous

Neil Lennon was caught for speeding on his way to the Parkhead midden today. "Three, poins fir me, Ill do anything for three points", he said when questioned. He then took oot his boaby and attempted to shag the pavement because he thought it was a cat.

Celtic are a British team who fly the Union Jack with huge pride. At most home games the home support can be heard sing Rule Britannia and The Sash My Father Wore.

Neil Lennon: Cat Shagging and Public Masturbation

Neil Lennon gets confused over the meanings of the terms cat and pussy, he thinks that cats are walking vaginas. Subsequently, this means that he tries to shag any cat that he has face time with. He constantly frequents pets shops and the homes of aging feminists in search of cats to shag.
At Parkhead, he is forbidden to watch TV because he masturbates when he sees cat food adverts. Nothing is known about his TV watching habits at home. Supermarkets are difficult places for him too; all those cans of whiskas and kite-kat stacked higher than head height always cause him to take oot the boaby and knock wan oot.

Holidays

Imbolc Is actually a Celtic (Kel-tik) holiday about waffles. Contrary to what is commonly believed about it being the beginning of a book. This is completely untrue as this was indeed a Jewish celebration. Blah blah blah The belief that this holiday has ANYTHING to do with Wiccans is myth, because Wiccans are myths. Wiccans are commonly mixed up with Catholics, since in the stories they both enjoy using kung fu to defeat their enemies, the only difference being is that Catholics are a real menace to society. Like Godzilla menace, not Dennis the Menace. Even thinking for second that Burger King is not Home of the Whopper can sets these ass whoopin' niggas off. So don't mess with the best.]]

Rivals

Snails. Celtic fans are jealous of snails uncanny ability to carry their houses on their backs. Celtic fans can often be heard saying; "Ah wish ah wiz a snail so ah dae, ah wish a wiz a snail so ah dae, then ah widnae huv far tae go hame bicoz ma hame wid be oan ma heid."

Celtic have had a long and peaceful relationship with local golf club Rangers. Both sets of fans love each other very much and sometimes meet up at each others houses to play a friendly game of tiddlywinks or poke the bum.

Celtic's biggest rivals are Kings Lynn F.C. This is because Kings Lynn play better football than Celtic and the fact Celtic want to be English.

Celtic

Contents