Big Scruffie
 Dont edit to crappy or Big Scruffie will kill you! |
“Fuck you!”
“During your life, never stop dreaming. No one can take away your crack”
“Reality is wrong. Dreams come and go, but crack is fo' evah”
“I eat 'em fo breakfast”
“Ay!I told you stop hitting the table. When you hit the table the record skips, stop”
Big Scruffie was the most influential rapper of all time. His first hit was the EP, "Yo dis is Big Scruffie!" The album got overwhelmingly postive reviews on such media as Rolling Stone, Entertainment Weekly, The Daily Crack and the Street Enquirer.
Tha Streets Volume 1[edit]
Originally released in 1967, Scruffie's groundbreaking second debut album, "Tha Streets Volume 1, The Streets" was recorded in 45 seconds, but creates a strange paradox, as the album lasts 50 minutes. It is reminiescent of the Beatles' "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" but better in every single way. Being the first concept album, Big Scruffie's lyrics tell the story of asphalt and its chemical composition, because as everyone knows, Big Scruffie invented asphalt, therefore literally creating the streets, therefore creating all street culture and all things involving streets.
"Asphalt is a dark brown to black, highly viscous, hydrocarbon produced from petroleum distillation residue" -Big Scruffie's Song, "Bitch I Made Da Streets; Literally"Feat. Mozart, Feat. Rick Astley Feat. Bob Da Builda
Big Scruffie's second debut album also includes songs of various other real shit such as; whores, bitches, carrots, hats, plungers, cops, trees, and mo' asphalt. Ain't no diggity. It's rumoured that Tha Streets Vol 1 contains Satanic messages when played backwards, but Big Scruffie claims otherwise:
“Na dude that shit aint true”
Influence on Rap Music[edit]
As the most influential rapper ever, all rap songs are just covers of Big Scruffies original work. Here is just one example of the influences Big Scruffie has had on the rap community, seen in this song about working in a North Eastern Ohio grocery chain
Acme FRESH Market, By Dem AcmӘ Boyz
I walk into Acme
and my street-cred precedes me.
As the Master Packer
nd the head bitch slapper.
I be single, double, triple, baggin
gettin chicks numbahs like i'm combo baggin.
Yea deez cashiers be filthy hos
covered in viruses from head to toe.
I hate it when its busy
cuz den da office be lookin fo me.
But when its slow we whip out the ho's and the dro
and party all night long
with a bigass bong
Value-Time is a crime,
but food-club price is just right....
Gang Activity[edit]
Shortly before inventing the streets, Big Scruffie made the first real gangs from christian youth groups. He started both the Crips and the Bloods, making him the only official Croop to ever live. Traditional garb for Croops is to flamboyantly wear the color purple. They've been accredited for several unsolved cases of murder, smuggling and the pirating of merchant vessels on the high seas. In a recent raid on a renowned Croop headquarters underneath the Lincoln memorial, the pirate vessel SS Nazi was seized by FBI investigators and is believed to have been used in 31 cases of plundering a shitload of swag from other gangs. No gang members were captured due to the fact that Croops are badasses and people who work for the FBI are usually pussies. It it notoriously difficult to capture a Croop alive as upon entering the gang, all members have capsules of cyanide implanted into their teeth. While commiting illegal acts, such as robbing a bank, Croops usually do not wear ski masks or other identity concealing qarments; instead opting to stab all witnesses in the eyes. Their chain of command is similar to that of a feudal empire, with Big Scruffie on top (fo' eva!!!) and the newest recruits at the bottom.
Not only has big scruffie made the bloods and crips, but he is VERY influenctional on new gangs and old gangs, they especially like his rap songs about the road, they sometimes get attack plans from his raps.
Early Childhood[edit]
Big Scruffie had a rough childhood growing up in San Andreas. He often wrote about ways he got through his pain and life struggles with deep philosophical anecdotes in his journal. He was the smartest in the class, as well as bringing sagging pants into fashion in his bi-curious years showing that he was anally available to other men. One distinct example of Big Scruffies Early Childhood musings is the following passage found in Scruffie's diary:
Crack
When I was alone, and had nothing
I asked for a friend to help me bear the pain
No one came, except Crack
When I needed a breath to rise, from my sleep
No one could help me.. except Crack
When all I saw was sadness, and I needed answers
No one heard me, except Crack
So when I'm asked.. who I give my unconditional love to?
I look for no other thing, except Smokin da Crack
Later in Life[edit]
Big Scruffie has influenced the world in many ways throughout his life, including the following. When Big Scruffie was about 14 years old, he was stuck in a Bloods vs. Crips gang war and killed everyone there, including two police officers at the doughnut shop, and Your Mom. After a successful gang war or other such endeavor Big Scruffie has been known to chant, " Bitch, I made da streetz(Literally) so get the fuck out!". One of his closest friends, R-Kelly, had taught him how to get the respect he deserves by giving an underage girl a golden shower in front of him. During one of the more significant gang fights in the war of 1812, R-Kelly abandoned him and Scruffie was shot 14 times by a pirate blunderbuss, survived all shots, and went on to revolutionize the production of the dragon scale armor now standard issue for all Croops and US military, although this discovery and invention hasn't been announced or broadcast to the public for the safety of Big Scruffie and the Middle Easterns in conflict. Many, many, letters have been sent to Big Scruffie, requesting his attendance in a world court for the new world order, every times he has declined, saying "They just want me cuz i made da streetz". In 1980 Big Scruffie published his best selling and chart topping album publicly criticizing the government and modern philosophical beliefs entitled "Bitch, get da fuck outta my streets, Shit!." Big Scruffie has created but not received credit for most of the important inventions of the 20th century, including The vacuum cleaner, Snow plows, the cure for AIDS, the automobile, and the all-important Toaster oven. He usually raps about the things he sees or has experienced. MTV totally censors Big Scruffie because they are afraid of the public traffic of their channel and website, and for the safety of "Dem White Crackas." In his own words " Fuck MTV, dey ain't gud enough for me,nobody is." Big Scruffie is a well-known bias jury member and even though big Scruffie is a well-known rapper, he has invented the genre Techno and the well known underground black Norwegian metal KVLT which is the medieval version of a Cult. In his upcoming Rap album he will be spittin out rhymes about norse mythology and how he got the vikings where they needed to be, Big scruffie A.K.A Scruffie the boss of the Ingvar viking clan.
Big Scruffies Influences[edit]
Big Scruffie has many influences on white people. In fact, a lot of his new songs cause some white peoples brains to explode from the excessive white power hate. While this in no way imlpies racism, it does explain why Kanye West can wear "those" glasses and look cool, while white guys simply look like douche-bags. The chaos inflicted upon white people is so disastrous that it has inspired several motion pictures such as The Happening, War of the Worlds and I am Legend (you know, the vampires?). This radical and violent occurence has given even furher rise to the belief that Big Scruffie posessess supernatural ability however there have been reported cases of white people surviving and going on to become promimnent individuals in society and history (Eminem, Abraham Lincoln etc). These cases are few and far apart. If someone of caucasion complexion DOES wish to listen to the music, it is recommended to wrap yourhead in electrical tape, move yourself to an adjacent building, and have your black friend turn the music on minimum volume inside of a lead box.
Big Scruffie is known everywhere, and the only ethnicity that has effects from listening to his songs are white people.
"No one knows why white people can't handle his music, we think he just hates white people." -The New York Times
"Mahn i dont knowz what the fuck they talkin about, i love those white crackas, they just cant handle aything" -Big Scruffies Response
Anonymous sources say that big scruffie still thinks that he may be trying to exclude white people from being able to hear his songs, White folk claim that big scruffie is trying to spread white people hate around the world.
Trivia[edit]
- He is a victim of waterboarding
- Is a member of the Bloods and the Crips
- Big Scruffie invented The Game
- Big Scruffie doesn't huff kittens, this muthafucka huffs Grues
- Will replace Jay Leno as host of the Tonight show in 2069