Basildon's Eastgate Centre, just 2 years after it's construction.
|Official nickname||"The Jewel of Essex", "Bas Vegas"|
|Official language(s)||Essex Grunt, Cockney Rhyming Slang, Chav|
|Currency||Gold chains, goldy-looking chains, sovereign rings, barter goods (TVs, etc), speed and copied DVD's exchanged from the chinese (or veitmanese) guy from down the local public house.|
Basildon is the world's foremost fashion capital outside of Paris, Milan and Bolton. Frequently referred to as "The Jewel of Essex" or "Bas Vegas", Basildon's place in history was secured upon being named capital of the break-away republic of Chavland.
Basildon's population is made up largely of chavs. Most grown females are single mothers (the majority of mothers with children are under 18), therefore any straight male in the area has only entered to pay his maintenance money before quickly leaving.
Basildon is also twinned with Basra, Iraq although Basra is in a better-looking state.
Information has been scarce of this city due to the illiteracy of its population and its fear of computers, trains and any form of transport other than the late 1980s Ford Escort RS. Burberry has its HQ here at 1 Chavington Road and is a mecca for all British fashionistas.
This town put the 'tart' back into 'tartan'.
- Population: According to the census, 99,000 but this does not account for 100,000 living here without homes or birth certificates. Both numbers are rising.
- Climate: There are deserts which have more rain than this area. It is widely assumed long time residents of the area melt upon contact with water. However, the chances are that when you go there it will be bucketing down. There are, however, some estates which have a polar climate inhabited by a species of chav called the Innuinnit.
- Currency: Gold chains, goldy-looking chains, sovereign rings, barter goods (TVs, etc), speed, copied DVD's exchanged from the chinese (or veitmanese) guy from down the local public house.
- Imports: Speed, any Class A drugs, McDonald's, car accessories - alloy wheels, spoilers, fluffy dice, big boy exhausts
- Exports: Car wrecks, Burberry, Depeche Mode, teenage pregnancy,Denise Van Outen.
Basildon was created as a dare in 1966, it all started in a bar in London when a local builder was asked by Steven Spielberg if he could build a film set for a horror movie! The conversation went something like this:
- (Steven Spielberg) Doin' a movie!
- (builder) Oh yer mate? What's it like then me old guvnor cor blime?
- (Steven Spielberg) Horror, about a town taken over by zombies in baseball caps!
- (builder) you'll need a set then, me old mukka me matey!?
- (Steven Spielberg) Yeah sure buddy, hey you're a builder bet you can't build it by next week!
- (builder) yep mate me ol' fella, i'll bet you two pints of stella i can! I'll have it done by sunday me apple n pears cor blime n all that!
Four years later in 1970 Basildon was born, sadly Steven Spielberg was no longer on vacation and the film was never commissioned! Unfortunately the zombie's failed to leave and it all got a bit out of control. By 1975 the town was heaving with zombie interbred yokels and deemed a danger zone. After much fighting and UN intervention a safety limit was set in place and re-population was introduced from London's East End. Now, thankfully, it's full of gangster wannabes and the only baseball caps seen are worn to salute the brave who fell in the great Basildon Civil War of 1977.
Basildon is located 30 miles east of London which confuses most American tourists into thinking it is still part of Great Britain and, therefore, London. Basildon is, in fact, the capital of Chavland and has been since the Burberry War of Succession fought over 2 years ago in an attempt to establish an independent identity.
Many people believe that this area was affected by secret nuclear testing. The Slurring of words, saafe bruv. No not radiation, just idiots.
Basildon is also used at Dover to put illegal immigrants off from England. One immigrant said that "Baghdad had better areas than this place". He immediately turned around and sprinted back towards the Channel Tunnel.
The many people of Basildon
- Brian - from Big Brother
- Alison Moyet - Singer, joined Vince Clarke from Depeche Mode to form Yazoo
- Dave Gahan - Lead singer from Depeche Mode
- Martin L. Gore - Lead songwriter, guitar and keyboard player from Depeche Mode
- Andrew Fletcher - Keyboard player from Depeche Mode
- Mc Barnowl - Local rapper/tramp. Hero
- Vince Clarke - Songwriter, founder of Depeche Mode, Yazoo and Erasure
- Bill Anderson - Triangle Player - Depeche Mode, Yazoo and Erasure
- Gary "The Ears" Pallister - French Horn Player - Depeche Mode, Yazoo and Erasure
- Gordon Blue - Lager Provider - - Depeche Mode, Yazoo and Erasure
- Arch Deacon - Piccolo Player - - Depeche Mode, Yazoo and Erasure
- Eamonn Martin - Runner and One-Time London Marathon winner
- Joan Sims - Sophisticated actress from the Carry On films, born in Laindon
- Ernest Adams - Milkman
The population of Basildon is difficult to calculate exactly due to many of the residents inability to count above 20 and the high rate of teenage pregnancy, causing it to grow at between 1 - 2000 per week. The population breakdown can be roughly translated as follows:
- 99% Morons
- 76% Unemployed (usually claiming Invalidity Benefit) or detained at Her Majesty's Pleasure
- 15% In Jail/Community Service
- 11% Drug Dealers or Fences (sometimes overlapping into the above)
- 10% Work outside the town (known as "Commuters" or "Sensible People")
- 5% Police
- 3% Council Housing Officers (although technically they don't work)
- 3% Fast Food Employees
- 1% Doctors (for the Invalidity Benefit claims)
- 1% Teachers
Figures may not add up due to rounding.
Child population (female, of school attendance age)
- 93% Not attending (of which 51% are either pregnant or about to be, the rest are under 13)
- 5% Babysitting younger siblings
- 2% Attending
Child population (male, of school attendance age)
- 94% Not attending (in town, drinking or smoking if over 11)
- 5% In Juvenile Court
- 1% Attending
The hobby of many Basildon residents is thinking of emigrating from the area. Problem is the thinking bit, so there is little emigration. However much the rest of us may applaud multi-culturalism, we absolutely draw the line at Basildon people in our community.
Most Popular Baby Names
A recent survey at the Basildon Registery Office shows that the most popular names of 2005 were:
Boys - 1. Baby, 2. Brooklyn, 3. (latest big film male star's name), 4. Nicked (as in "You're nicked mate"), 5. Walls
Girls - 1. Baby, 2. Brooklyn, 3. any random Celtic-sounding word, 4. Angel, 5. Walls
The 5th popular name in Basildon is used for babies of either sex: Walls. It relates to the place up against which they were conceived.
Education and culture
Basildon residents (or inmates as they prefer to be known) have a diverse set of skills and pride themselves in being able to work the system, a skill handed down from generation to generation. Typically a child in Basildon will have known around 5 fathers before the age of 7, giving them a stable family environment to emulate as they get older.
Basildon people are among some of the politest in the entire of Great Britain, sometimes waiting until you have actually talked to them before starting a fight with you. This is to be avoided at all costs due to the long, simian forearms and the weight of the gold sovereign rings they have been accumulating since an early age.
The women are only slightly less aggressive than the men, but can easily be distinguished due to the types of clothing they wear. It is not uncommon to see a Basildon woman in a short skirt, high heels and a belly top even in the height of winter, to go to the supermarket, or to fetch one of their many children from the local crèche, primary and secondary schools (those that actually attend).
A typical Basildon woman's day might consist of dropping off her children to school (something that takes around 40 minutes with the 8 or so in a litter) then parking in the worst place possible in their MPV or Ford Escort. Then perhaps a trip to the local council offices in search of a typical Essex mansion and perhaps a quick trip to the benefits office where they may also meet Mr Right. Finally, turning up to the schools to collect their litter before heading out to the supermarkets to smack their children in public.
A typical Basildon male will go to the Benefits Office to renew their Invalidity Benefit claim then around 11:00am take up residence in one of the town centre public houses before their money runs out and they have to go home. Occasionally one of the claimants will also then go to their undeclared job.
Basildon Council run (in the loosest sense) a derilict theatre called "The Towngate". Nobody goes there since the public bar shut.
The most frequently used language is the Essex Grunt. It is distinguished from most other languages used around the world in having no actual words. The grunt expresses the universal Basildon attitude of aggression and confrontation. Many Basildon citizens have tried to progress to Estuary but their limited brianpower has not enabled the transition to happen. Strangely the phrase "harzin benefit" can often be heard through the grunts.
Estuary is widely used in the stretch from Barking (Barkin) to Southend (Saafend). Some Estuary words are derivations of English. Examples are "Wossupwivyou" meaning How Are You Today Sir and "Well?" meaning "How can I help you". Others are based on expletives such as F***off which is used as a general term of greeting. Local areas of the Town also have special pronunciations. Thus - Vaaaaaaaage Tarn-Center Nevermain.
Special Warning - Basildon residents have a particular way of appreciating it if you point out the shortcomings in the way they speak. It will result in a visit to Basildon Hospital's A&E Department - a place where they have taken waiting times to a real art form.
Some other Basildon words and their meanings are:-
- Cha - translates to watch-ya, a form of hello.
- Rite - translates to "all right?" a form of hello.
- Wassupwivyou - Tranlates to "what is up with you", a form of hello.
- Anyfingelse - Translates to "Anything else?", a form of goodby
- Slater - Translates to "see you later", a form of goodby (nothing to do with actually seeing you later)
- Sonyoumate - Translates to "it's on you mate" a polite request for you to buy the next round of drinks
- Yougottabejokinmate - "You've got to be joking mate" A response to any request for anything
- Djanowhatimeen? - "Did you know what I meant?" a reassurance of understanding
- I ain't never done nuffin - "I haven't done anything", usually used by a Basildonian when addressing a member of Her Majesty's Constabulary
- 20pforfoneblood? - "have you got 20 pence for the phone please mate" your about to get mugged
- Ear Trace ya garin daann taaan? - "Excuse my rude interruption in your daily duties Tracey, are you going down to the Town?"
Jewellery and Burberry
This holds an important place in Basildonian culture; its adornment forms a vital part of the process of climbing up the social ladder, eventually to become a "True Chav". The display, although intricate, can be broken down into two distinct areas: Gold Chains, Rings and Braclets and Burberry caps and scarves.
Generally, the more that a person has of any of these items then the more likely they are to be accepted into the True Chav caste. Fakes are acceptable providing you can blag enough that they are the real thing that you got off a bloke down Pitsea Market or from one of the many boot sales in the area. All of these items can be accessorised with a car - the more spoilers, bigger exhausts and wheels, louder stereos and skirts your car has the higher in the Chav ratings you can go.
Not having an income but having a car that is accessorised to the point of no longer moving is considered to be ultimate Chav style.
Gold chains and other items of jewellery are harder to fake. Residents can be in danger of going OG (Over Golding) or, with the cheaper electro-plated items, of developing green rashes and boils that give away their copies. Gold is always a good way to impress your fellow Chav, and the more ostentatious the display the better.
Notorious rapper Ronald McDonald, Basildon's most famous son, is one of the foremost spokespersons on the subject of bling and is no doubt a major influence on Basildon's youth.
A passport is required to enter Basildon as well as an entry visa (unfortunately this does not apply in the other direction). Special permission should be sought to get on to Canvey Island, but always make sure that you leave before sunset as a dusk till dawn curfew comes into effect and tourists have been known to be eaten. The main routes into Basildon are the A127 & A13 ("The Burberry Highway").
Outside of Basildon is a huge wall designed to keep unwary tourists out, which you will have to cross. This is known as the M25.
A guide is advised. He will know the local dialect and customs, and will be the one person not looking to either rob you or fight you before you are paid. Do not employ female guides as they will generally get you looking after their children whilst they go off to a nightclub somewhere. Carry plenty of fast food that you can throw to the hungry packs of children so you may make an escape if needs be.
The majority of residents are scared of trains due to the fact they can easily outrun any of their cars. Nevertheless, Basildon has a railway running through it with stations at bin Laindon, Basildon and Pitsea. According to the station clock, trains depart to London Fenchurch Street every 7/8 minutes - infact, they are much less frequent than that but the clock is slow. There is no connection at Fenchurch Street with the London Underground to avoid contamination of the line. It should be noted that certain ancient laws permit the slaying of discjockeys after nightfall in Basildon, and hence if there is any risk of your being misidentified as a media professional, protective clothing is mandatory.
We advise you not to drive if at all possible. Less that 60% of drivers in Basildon have a valid licence or insurance. Instead take one of the many taxi cabs that inhabit the ranks there, and admire their skill and determination to make it through to your destination, regardless of speed or other road users. The primary means of Transport within the Basildon area is a 1980s Ford Escort RS, or more commonly a modified Vauxhall Nova. Almost all cars are likely to be painted with fire or a skull, with loudspeakers in the back, engine modifications which make the car produce 20 extra bhp and make it sound like a motorbike, as well as sporting a comically oversized exhaust pipe. The majority of these have a lifespan of about 2 weeks before they are crashed, written off and sold to Scrapheap Challenge. Hardly any people actually drive them because the roads in the town are so crowded.
Various vaccinations are required but consult your local doctor. If you are male then consider a vasectomy before hand, if female then some kind of chasitiy belt that you leave the key for in your country of origin.
Tourist information is easily found whilst travelling in Chavland, but only for those fluent in reading graffiti. Basildon Town Centre and Southend High Street are both worth visiting as the two most important "Burberry Battlegrounds" in Chavland's short and distinguished history. Reconstructions of minor skirmishes can be seen nightly, with larger battles occurring on Friday and Saturday evenings. The realism of the violence and the looks of surprise on the faces of those involved might lead you to believe that the war is still raging.
However, after the building of a Rocket-Propelled Grenade factory near Basildon, the historic peace accord was signed with Southend-on-Sea. This resulted in the annexation of Stanford-Le-Hope and other intermediate territories and the creation of the country known as Chavland.
Basildon has a unique form of one-way taxi system that is the envy of the world. It is simple to use and totally free, and most parents encourage their children to use it. This is how it works. After a night out somewhere else - such as Southend, Chelmsford or Romford, break into a car (Moa as they say) and hot-wire it. Then, drive it home.
If you use the A127 you'll be in good company - nearly 50% of your fellow drivers will be in stolen cars, running drugs or pissed. Then, park it a few yards away from where you are going to sleep, and set fire to it. Next day, after about 20 phone calls to the Council, they'll send someone out to take it away for "recycling". Easy, free and totally in keeping with the local motto of "sod you mate"
Whilst most of Basildon's residents eat frozen meals from their microwave, the town has a wide and varied selection of eateries.
By far the most popular is MacDonalds located in the Town's main shopping centre. They carry a fine selection of burgers which are cheap - served with suitable grunts and glares by the staff. It is understood that nearly 25% of the staff have now been trained to speak Estuary English (as opposed to Essex Grunt) so phrases such as "enything else then" are often to be heard.
For those who want to eat more "up market", Burger King is just a 3 minute waddle away. Of course the service is not a patch on MacDonalds but the burgers have the benefit of being cooked over carcinogenic coals. Be sure to visit on Tuesday as the floor is cleaned nearly every Monday.
Some of Basildon's pubs serve food. If you enjoy eating in smoke-filled rooms filled with half-drunk chavs, this could be perfect for you. A fine selection of quick-frozen meals from Brake Brothers is usually available. Expect the staff to need reminding that you are still there every half hour or so.
Where To Live
Well, if you really have to...
As long as you are not real "Travellers" you can grab an illegal pitch on one of Basildons many Travellers sites. You won't be bothered by the Police as it's a no-go zone for them. Reserved parking for a white Transit van is available at most sites.
Most of the houses in Basildon belong to the Council. They are trying to get shot of them because they are mostly in terrible condition. Because the only people left living in them are druggies or the chronically unemployable, you will have neighbours who won't give a monkeys for you. If you fancy having your own place, Wickford could be the place for you. It's just up the road. Here, you'll find a paradise (comparatively) with loads of cheap Jerry-built homes crammed onto estates. There are several pubs where you can enjoy a decent glassing or a stabbing on most Saturdays.
Where To Shop
Basildon's Town Centre has been specially designed to funnel the cold winds from the east, so is best avoided. The Eastgate Centre is the town's pride and joy, and is the place most Chavs get their stuff. Shops like Next have special lines of cheap cloths that are exclusively on sale at their Basildon branch. Further afield, the Poundland shop is one of the town's most popular shops. This is because the shoppers can work out how much they are spending as they waddle aroound.
The staff still have trouble at the tills due to the complex pricing structure. For those who would be financially challenged by Poundland, the exclusive Eastgate Centre now boasts a "99p shop". It is impossible to begin to describe the absolute rubbish it sells but it has a strong appeal to the local people despite the complex problems they have in working out how must things cost there. Basildon people often go to Lakeside Shopping Centre several times a week to get their retail fix.
There are Boot Fairs everywhere where you can buy just about everything that Basildon's army of shoplifters have nicked.
Well, it's Basildon, we are widely known for crime - worldwide in fact! We even won a Nobel prize - well, by won we mean we stole one, but it counts and it was crime in gaining the prize!
There isn't any. Basildon folk are not governable, but someone must dole out the housing benefits.
Basildon Council are there to try, and they certainly are trying.
- Motto: "Your Hapless, Bloated, Ineffectual Council".
- Stunning 1960's orange logo
- Strapline "The Council What Likes To Say "What?"
- Must-See The Purple Palace - a hugely expensive suite for the directors that looks like a cheap Indian Take-Away.
They run the housing which is mostly falling down, but suits many of the population for whom benefits, drugs, junk food and Sky TV are all that is needed to lead a fulfilled life. Having said that, on April Fools day of 2007, St Georges Housing took over. This was unanimously agreed - amazing as 95% of the residents don't know what unanimous meens. This outfit is called an ALMO - arms length management organisation. That basically means that if they do well, the Council takes credit, otherwise they are to blame. It couldn't be worse many said. It is many say now. Now, instead of the chief exec of the council running things, we have the old chief exec of the council - the guy who ran all of this so well that they had to set up St Georges! That's a step forward eh!
The Chair of the Council was under the impression that had joined the ranks of nobility, having been addressed in a recent letter to the local newspaper as "The Count Of Basildon". Sadly, the newspaper published a correction the following week apologising for the mis-spelling which appeared as Count.
Excellent - load of books 'cause nobody reads.
Or stolen and used as roaches.