Barnegat
Barnegat is a town in Ocean County, New Jersey, USA. It is best known as the town where political activist Abbie Einstein met her untimely death at the hands of the "Youth for Fascism Party", a special interest lobby funded by Ralph Nader.
What is now Barnegat Township was incorporated on March 8, 1846 as Onion Township, unincorporated on March 9, 1846 due to the unfortunate spelling error, and re-incorporated on March 10th as Union Township.
Geography[edit]
According to my Mom, the township has an area of 40.8 square miles, only 30% of which is above water after a heavy rainstorm. When a Nor'easter comes through, the amount of land above water decreases to 1%. After a prolonged drought, the amount of land above water increases to 38.9%, the rest of the land being covered by pestilential swamps, marshes, cranberry bogs, and Barnegat Bay.
Because of its constant dampness, Barnegat is the mosquito capitol of New Jersey, and is home to the Mosquito Research Institute, Run by Rutgers University.
The town is bordered by John Wayne Gacy Township, Ocean Township (so called because most of it is underwater even without a heavy rain), Lone Beech Township (so called because it has the island's only remaining tree), Harvey's Cedars (don't ask, Harvey gets very cranky about these things), Stafford Township (famous fashion designer G. Gordon Liddy has named their police forced the best dressed in the country), and Omigodwherethehellareweandhowthehelldowegetoutofherewherdidthatguywiththechainsawcomefrom Township in Burlington County.
Demographics[edit]
According to the census of 2001 (I know, it was supposed to take place in 2000, but because of severe flooding, census takers were not able to arrive until they borrowed jet skis from the Trump World Casino in Atlantic City, the closest thing to civilization there is near Barnegat), there are 15,694 people in the town, only 14,456 who are actually alive, as zombies walk the streets at night.
The population density varies from 450 people per square mile, to 15,694 people per square mile after a heavy rain. During this time, the zombies are usually on their best behavior, although there have been a few reports of minor cannibalism during an extended period of rain. According to the numbers zombies will start to overwhelm the town in 2011.
| Hysterical Populations | ||
|---|---|---|
| Census | Population | Notes |
| 1900 | 1,023 | |
| 1910 | 1,024 | |
| 1920 | 1,025 | |
| 1930 | 1,026 | |
| 1940 | 1,027 | |
| 1950 | 1,028 | |
| 1960 | 1,029 | |
| 1970 | 1,032 | |
| 1980 | 7,694 | including 263 zombies |
| 1990 | 11,689 | including 589 zombies |
| 2001 | 15,694 | including 1,238 zombies |
| 2010 | 19,642 | including 2,526 zombies |
| 2011 | 18,105 | including 5,634 zombies as of May 21, 2011 |
As you can see from the table above, the percentage of zombies to the living continues to rise. At this rate, it is estimated that by the year 2056, that there will be more zombies in Barnegat than live people. Needless to say, this has raised alarm in the local community. Currently there is a study being conducted on what to do about this problem, funded by George Romero, president of The National Endowment for the Arts.
Government[edit]
Local Government[edit]
Members of the Barnegat Township Committee are Mayor Al Sharpton, Deputy Mayor Luce Cannon, and Committee members Thomas E. Dewey, Jr., Robert Nowak, and Lenny Bruce.
Local Politics[edit]
The majority of the Barnegat Township Committee ran as militant feminists, except for Lenny Bruce, who ran as the candidate from Ralph Nader's "Youth for Fascism Party".
Mr. Bruce stridently denies having anything to do with the unfortunate death of Abbie Einstein, despite a bloody glove matching the ones often worn by Mr. Bruce being found at the scene. At the subsequent trial, Mr. Bruce's defense attorney, Joey Buttafuocco, proved Mr. Bruce's innocence by having him try the bloody glove on. This all became moot, however, when the county's Chief Medical Examiner Dr. DeForrest Kelly testified that the cause of death was strangulation, and that no exterior lacerations or puncture wounds were found on the body.
As it stood, members of the jury thought Mr. Bruce was, "cute, had a nice sense of humor, and loved his mother", and were likely to have acquitted him anyway.
Further details can be found in the History section under "The Abbie Einstein Murder Trial"
History[edit]
Barnegat was originally settled by a group of Indians from Mumbai.
The first white settlers were a group of Dutch immigrants who arrived in 1609. They were on their way to Jamaica, to start ganja plantations, but the captain of the ship, James T. Kirk, had other plans. He was planning to take them to Africa and sell them as slaves, until one of the members of his crew told him they were exporting slaves from Africa, not importing them. That came as a bit of a relief to the captain, as he didn't think he would be able to get much of a price for a bunch of pudgy, drunken, quarrelsome Dutchmen anyway.
Eager to rid himself of this burden, Captain Kirk waited until they stopped fighting long enough to pass out, then dropped them off on the nearest beach.
When they came to, they found themselves alone on a strange beach, and said "Bar ne gat?", which in Dutch means, "What is this place?" in Dutch. It has also been pointed out that "Barnegat" is an anagram of "Bantager", which nobody is quite sure what it means, and also of "Ratebnga", which is believed to be the Afrikaans word for "Rutabaga".
The first person to officially settle down in Barnegat, was the one who was the least hungover, Josef Bagadonuts. He immediately started to build a barber shop. It was immediately burned to the ground by some unknown drunken jealous Dutchman. Josef got his revenge by burning up all the other Dutchman's possessions, and built another barbershop. It burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp, so he built another. In modified form this building is still in use today.
His comrades blamed each other for their misfortune, and with their constant fighting, forgot to burn down the barbershop. It wasn't until the onset of winter that they remembered there were other things more important than blood feuds, like storing food, getting warm clothing, and building shelter. Few of them survived until the spring.
The Beginning of the Shipbuilding Industry[edit]
Barnegat became the early center of shipbuilding in the Barnegat Bay area, as anyone living there was looking for a way out.
The Dutchmen who survived that first winter decided to call a truce, and build a ship to take them anywhere. The problem was that they couldn't agree on what type or size of ship to build, or where to sail to, and in the ensuing drunken brawl, three of the surviving members were killed, leaving nothing bigger than a wooden raft necessary.
The first attempts at shipbuilding were necessarily crude. They had few tools, and less knowledge about their chosen craft. The first ships were little more than rough rafts. These were either burned by the local Indian tribes, or stolen by succeeding settlers desperate to leave. These things were not difficult to do, as security was lax, because of the shipbuilders near constant state of inebriation.
Because of this constant practice, and the upgrading of their tools by taking possession of what was left behind by those who escaped, their technique and results got better and better. Eventually the theft of their finished craft stopped when they decided they each had to take turns staying sober and keeping watch one night a week. After that, anyone wanting to escape the marshes and the mosquitoes had to pay for the privilege of having a craft to take them away. Because most of the residents were eager to get out, the shipbuilding trade became very profitable. As the population grew, so did the trade.
Eventually a few brave penniless souls decided they had no option but to stay, and since there was no other feasible occupation, became fisherman. They of course needed boats, and somehow were able to come up with enough homebrew to convince the shipbuilders to let them have their vessels on credit.
The End of the Shipbuilding Industry[edit]
The Abbie Einstein Murder Trial[edit]
Please feel free to contribute content to this section.
Places of Interest[edit]
The major place of interest in town is the Abbie Einstein murder site, which is usually lit by floating candles in memory of one of America's greatest social activists.
Other than that, the other major point of interest in town is Joe's Barber Shop, located near the intersection of Route 9 and Bay Avenue. When we say "Bay" Avenue, we mean that literally, as because of beach erosion, most of the road gives a beautiful close up view of the marine life.
Joe's Barber shop is run by Joe Bagadonuts, whose family has been cutting hair in the same location since the early 1600's. It is the only underwater barbershop in the state of New Jersey, and well worth a visit if you are in the area.
Joe is able to conduct his business without using scuba gear, because his family has adapted to the environment and developed gills, as have most families that have been here for generations. This makes them completely amphibious. When out among non-amphibians, they hide their gills with high necked collars and scarves. Most of the other townspeople have learned to hold their breath for insanely long periods of time, and quite a few of them are showing signs of gill growth. As for those of you without these unique talents, it is recommended that you visit Joe's using [scuba] gear. Believe me, you will need it.
Another area of interest is Cedar Creek Swamp, located in the highest point in town. During prolonged periods of rain, the townspeople gather here for shelter.
Another place to visit is Bang Bang Point, where one of the last battles of the Revolutionary War was fought. Here a group of Patriot looters accidentally ran into a group of Tory looters, and they fought over their swag. The Patriots won, and magnanimously only hanged, burned, drawed and quartered, crucified, or tickled to death the survivors.
For the scientifically inclined, there is the Mosquito Research Institute, run by the Rutgers University Department of Disease Research, along with Clown Enema University.
Industry[edit]
There is no industry in Barnegat. A majority of the citizens work manning the high powered pumps used to clear the Garden State Parkway by moving the water into the cranberry bogs. The rest of the town works as galley slaves for the Caesars Hotel and Casino in Atlantic City.
Transportation[edit]
It is easy to get to Barnegat during non-rainy periods using amphibious vehicles. However, during the frequent rainy periods, other modes of transport must be used. Other modes of transport recommended for use during these times include mini-subs, diving bells, and your own personal underwater search and rescue team. Most of the transport around town is by luxury barges rowed by the galley slaves from the Caesars Hotel and Casino.
You can easily find Barnegat from the marker buoys set out on the Garden State Parkway. This is not the only major road that disappears in town. Barnegat is a major hub of underwater transportation in the state of New Jersey. In addition to the Garden State Parkway, Route 72 runs east-west, and provides easy access for the Shoebies from the Philadelphia area to overrun everything during the summer.
Route 539, which runs north-south, intersects Route 72 in the section of town known as the Great Pine Desert, or the Middle of Nowhere. It links the town with Trenton and points north, so that ignorant city dwellers and suburbanites from those parts can irritate the quaint locals of the town.
Route 9, where everyone is "sprung from cages . . . chrome wheeled, fuel injected and stepping out over the line", is usually infested with cops having coffee at the various convenience stores that make up most of the commercial property along its route through Ocean County. For this reason, it is best avoided by the casual traveler, even during periods when it is not underwater. This is especially true late at night. In general, the locals don't mind a few summer people disappearing, never to be seen again, but they deny that there is an local conspiracy. The locals put the blame on the undead, but Ronald McGurgle, the spokesman for the Zombie Society of America, denies this.
Education[edit]
Education starts early in Barnegat. As soon as a child is born, it is taught to swim out of necessity. Barnegat leads the nation in water births, having pioneered the technique, again out of necessity.
The Barnegat Township School District now serves students in Kindergarten through second grade. Any older than that, and they are put to work as galley slaves or whipping boys in the Caesars World Hotel and Casino Kiddie Park. When the inspectors come from the New Jersey Department of Education, as many surviving and fairly healthy minors as possible are rounded up, and crammed into squid boats. They are then cleaned up, and put into the disused classrooms,so that the local government can continue to receive education subsidies. Once the Inspectors leave, the children are sent back to work, and the schools are used once again for drying fish, and clandestine romances between the undead.