B. F. Skinner
Buttus Fregroid Skinner (1951 - now) is a successful professor of psychology at Harvard University, and also currently the principal of Springfield Elementary School. He pioneered the field of behaviorism, which is a school of psychology that basically believes that human beings behave no differently than pigeons, which means that he believes they like to poop on cars and eat out of dumpsters. He applied the insights of his research on animals in order to improve the children's educational experience, such as rewarding them with uncooked rice each time they answer correctly in class and punishing them with a mild jolt of electricity each time they answer wrong. He was forced to modify his methods when parents were complaining that their children were exploding and activists against animal testing stormed his school, so he switched to rewarding the children with bird seeds instead. All the the children which were placed under Skinner's developed normally, except for a student who salivates each time he hears the Pythagorean theorem recited because he was given food every time he finished his geometry assignment. Skinner's methods are still very widely revered in the educational community, and is used by governments all over the world including the US in many different situations, such as attaching electrodes to private parts to teach prisoners how to tell the truth or just for the amusement of the guards.
Early Life[edit]
Although once believed to have been the illicit child between an unnamed father and a toaster oven, it is now believed that Buttus Skinner's mother was Agnus Skinner, a woman who hated most other men but for some odd reason got pregnant anyway. Because no hospital would admit a woman who is so ugly and such a lesbian, Agnus in her dejected spirit went down to the local laundromat and gave birth to the septuplets she happened to be carrying. Buttus was the last of the septuplets born from his mother but accidentally fell between a crack between a washing machine and the wall. Agnus never recovered her last son not because she did not noticed he was gone, but after giving birth to the previous six children she said to herself, "Whatever, I've got six of them already, that's plenty enough." Fortunately for Buttus a dryer picked him up and adopted him as her child, giving him warmth with her warm rotating interior, nourishment in the form of chocolate milk stains on soiled shirts and comfort in the form of warm towels which people placed into the dryer. Buttus was raised and educated by the dryer, and he had a good childhood as he never had any contentious arguments with his parents like most children did because it was difficult to have an argument with an electrical appliance. However as Buttus grew up he hungered to find his real mother, and left the comfortable confines of the laundromat to search for his real mother.
Adolescence[edit]
Adolescence was an awkward period for Buttus because of his lack of human contact in his earlier life. Due to being raised by a dryer and that the only book he had read in his childhood was the Maytag 5000 Series Manual, it took him a long time to figure out girls did not have coin slots or a large door in the front for accepting loads of laundry. This made for very awkward romantic relationships as one time when he got to second base and was confused that he did not discover a dial which allowed him to select between heavy duty, permanent press and delicate loads. After many dates with girls in which he was humiliated by his complete lack of knowledge of human beings, he came to the conclusion that the Maytag 5000 Series Manual is not appropriate for understanding how human beings operate, he tries to discover a better manual for the operation of a human being. Finally he discovers Grey's Anatomy, and memorized it to his heart's content, however despite knowing the exact position of the parathyroid he was left dissatisfied and therefore entered Yale to find an even better manual for which to operate human beings. He entered Yale with an essay describing improvements of the human anatomy, the admissions office at Yale took it as random humor and therefore allowed him in. It wasn't until his graduation day that he discovered that there is no such manual for a human being as there are manuals for operating household appliances, therefore he set out the rest of his life to write one.
Life's Work[edit]
Early Work[edit]
Buttus Skinner believed that since human beings are too complicated to study he decided to study a life form much lower than human being or most other organisms: rednecks. After discovering some annoying characteristics of rednecks such as their love for country music and doing bad stand-up comedy, he decided to study a higher form of life instead: pigeons. Something which bothered skinner about pigeons is the amount of fecal material they produce, so he tried improving pigeons by sealing their anus with superglue. The pigeons all behaved fine until 5 days later they exploded, splattering shit all over the laboratory. This was the first experiment which Buttus conducted, and he published the results in an obscure science journal with the title The Effects of Shutting the Anus of Pigeons: They Explode. Due to Buttus' clumsiness in the lab he discovered that pigeons are especially amenable to human control when they are connected to electrodes. He discovers that when a pigeon is shocked by electricity at the same time it is given food it will eventually learn to avoid food and eventually starve to death. Buttus' explanation is that electricity provides mental energy to avoid feeling hunger, and he gave this phenomenon a name, which he called Buttus' First Law. It was soon discover that when an animal is rewarded with food, it will do anything you want it to do, and named this discovery Buttus' Second Law. Soon he discovered that when politicians are given money, they will do anything you want them to do, and named this discovery Buttus' Third Law. These are the three crowning achievements Buttus did, and ever since these discoveries the only thing he has done since is writing books whining about his mother.
Work in Education[edit]
Satisfied with his thorough study of pigeons, and in full belief that human beings behave exactly like pigeons, he started to apply his research to living breathing humans. He decided to test his discoveries on children, because they were so malleable mentally if his theories are incorrect he would be sure that it will screw them up for the rest of their lives, which is good because it will guarantee him a job in which he tries to figure out how to screw them but in a way that will make them better. His position as principal of Springfield Elementary gave him an opportunity, and he was able to prove his theory that human beings benefit from receiving electric shocks. He noticed that under-performing students could be made to perform well with electric shocks, sometimes even the threat of electric shocks, proving his theory that the body could directly assimilate the electrical energy and turn it into mental energy. He also discover food as being a good incentive for enticing people into doing things, especially after they've been starved. Therefore he forces all children in his school to be starved, then only gives children who receive A's on a test adequate food afterwards. He discover the two-fold benefits of this method: first it relieved economic pressure for parents to feed their children well and second it killed off the dumb students by starvation and therefore increases the average standard test scores. Buttus wrote his discoveries in his book People Are Just Like Pigeons: A Guide to Increasing Test Scores Through Use of Bird Seeds and Electricity.
Skinner's Manuals[edit]
Throughout the years Buttus wrote many manuals on how human beings operate, although throughout the years he has wavered on certain issues. However, throughout the years there are certain ideas which he has held onto. First, he believed that when children are born they should be ripped from the human body and immediately be placed and raised by a dryer, and be raised the same way that he did. He argued that being raised by a household appliance instead of human being is much better since household appliances do not punish children and do not end up with heated arguments with them. If a girl wants to dress like a whore a dryer is more likely to allow the girl to get out their and be gangbang so she would learn her lesson, instead of wasting its breath on giving a lecture that's not going to work anyway because the girl would find a way to sneak out into the real world and learn about these things anyway. He also despises democracy, and thinks instead we should build a large computer call the Matrix to control all mankind instead of selecting human beings to be our dictators. The following are books by Skinner:
- Walden Two: Attack of the Clones
- Walden Three: Return of the Jedi
- Walden Four: How to Enlarge Your Penis
- Walden Five: Refinance Your Mortgage
- Walden Six: How to be Emotionally Dysfunctional for Dummies
- Walden Seventh: Harry Potter Fights the Ebola Virus
- Walden Eighth: How to Raise a Dysfunctional Child
- Walden Tenth: Ayn Rand vs. B. F. Skinner
- Walden Eleventh: I Love You Ms. Krabbapel