Ayurveda

His ancient ancestors drank cow urine to cure their HIV, so why wouldn't you?

Ayurveda or ayurvedic medicine is an alternative to medicine solicited by Indian expatriate doctors in the United States named Deepak Chopra. It stems from Ancient Hindu medicine, which is much better for you than Western medicine because it sounds exotic. In India, proponents of ayurvedic medicine are called kuwaks, which is how many Indians pronounce "quacks" in Broken English.

Methodology

The three primary focuses of Ayurveda are realigning the patient's bodily systems with one another, realigning the patient's bodily systems with the elements of the Earth, explaining how the three human body types of Fatty, Skinny and Lucky are actually the far more erotic Pitta, Vata, and Kapha... and feeding the patient as many oils and herbs as possible.

Because this is so easy, there are only three treatments needed to perfect one's health. The first includes ingesting some herbs. This treatment consists of prescribing nonexistent or unavailable Indian herbs and oils to illiterate Medicaid recipients. The patients then bring their prescriptions to an ayurvedic pharmacy, usually located in the same "medical building" where the doctor has his clinic. The pharmacist, who is probably the doctor's wife, informs the patient that the medication is unavailable and then continues to sell them whatever blend of strange, dried plant leaves she has on hand.

The second treatment is meditation, which is the art of sitting silently thinking about stuff, without thinking about things, for a really long time. The final treatment is Panchakarma, which is a five-step process for curing yourself of any sickness from the flu to AIDS. For treating sexual disorders and backaches, enemas of oils and herbs are prescribed. For treating bronchitis, the cold, asthma, and sinus infections, 200 mg. of excessive vomiting is prescribed (which is not usually covered by most insurances). Blood-letting, slathering oneself with pastes made of oils and herbs, and drinking cow urine (covered by Medicaid and Medicare only) are prescribed for minor ailments such as AIDS and cancer.

Indication

Ayurvedic treatments are indicated for doctors who want to make money without much effort, and who want to get their share of the government grants. Most patients treated with ayurvedic techniques either present minor complaints and are malingering hypochondriac wannabes, or are terminally ill and need to be hustled away from the welfare system as quickly as possible. While the patient receives only a few dollars' worth of herb, a bill is sent to the government for at least ten thousand to pay for the medication and diagnosis. More astute patients are sometimes paid ten dollars for their participation in the ayurvedic treatment.