Womyn

A womyn (pl. wymyn) is a failed attempt to create a controlled weapon of mass destruction that would also be a fantastic shag by the Israeli government in the year 20XX. Within 6 months, the womyn prototypes were cast into the great unknown, never to haunt mankind again. It is known to the biology community as Homo Eroticon (who are mostly full of shit, anyway), and is classified as an endangered species.

---

Physiology

Wymyn have several diverse characteristics, being that they were developed by fascists with a insatiable libido. Below you will find the many wonders (and horrors) of Homo Eroticon:

General Characteristics

The womyn is a chimera consisting of a cross between a woman and a badger. Only female variants of H. Eroticon have been observed in the wild. While male variants may exist, biologists in their seniority consider such an notion to be hogwash, on the grounds that God would be an unusually cruel being for ever creating a male specimen of Wymyn. It is thus uncertain how wymyn mate. While wymyn have been observed mating, all known attempts of actually recording any accounts of this insanely righteous act have been unsuccessful to date (Please see Toxicology for more details).

It is unknown how wymyn reproduce within their own species (but most people generally agree that they want a lot of practice in it), since there are no known male members of that species. However, wymyn can impregnate men of H. sapiens. It is known through brief studies of Womynkind that these so-called "halflings" are generally shunned, and are forced to wear clothing, as opposed to the practically compulsory nudity of the pedigree womyn.

Behavior

It has been observed, through peepholes in the jungle, that wymyn spend most of their time creating extremely satisfying pornography. When not creating pornography, they can often be found preying in nightclubs. Fortunately for most people, since the entire world accepted Jesus in 1998, these kinds of places receive little play, and most random occur in the most chaste and utterly cool Bible Study. However, Satan has preserved these really marvelous, intriguing, I mean the sex is completely unimaginable, creatures to tempt us with, many people still fall prey to these daemonic sex machines of yore.

The wymyn are an intelligent species, and are known for inventing the electric vibrating dildo only shortly after the wheel. Before then, normal dildos were used quite often, but the possibility of the axle prompted the invention of a device, that when inserted into the vagina, with the "Power Switch" (covered by Womynkind patent #R000024) in the "On" position (covered by Womynkind patent #R000025), a quickly rotating counterweight (covered by Womynkind patent #D05302), driven primarily by a mechanical actuator whose motion is induced with electromagnetic current (covered by Womynkind patent #S043204) to create a rapidly vibrating phallus was an opportunity that Womynkind was not going to pass up. In this regard, they are really an intelligent bunch; but they're usually too horny to accomplish much scientific research.

It isn't unusual for god-fearing Christian men to be raped by unfathomably beautiful Wymyn. Although many women of H. Sapiens will play it down as an excuse, the event happens time and time again, as this world goes to Hell in a handbasket. Men who are forced into submission by these creatures will often agree that this incredible ecstasy is utterly terrifying while at the altar; in many cases, one round of communion isn't enough to console these victims.

It is known through intensive exploitation (on the behalf of the researchers, who are unfortunately quite impoverished now) that Wymyn worship their numerous deities at the Large Hadron Collider, which was built as a tribute to the heavens. This is mainly known because the researchers actually listen to the Wymyn, as opposed to the female members of their own species.

Diet

The average H. Eroticon daily diet consists entirely of semen harvested from H. Sapiens. In this regard, the official relationship between Womynkind and Mankind is parasitic. If H. Sapiens semen is not plentiful, other animals will do, and some wymyn actually quite enjoy it. Wymyn also require a healthy income to sustain their health. It is believed that the typical proportion of semen to money preyed by a womyn is roughly 1:1. A healthy womyn consumes approximately two gallons of semen a day. Typical symptoms of a womyn suffering from malnutrition include increased mortality due to sexually transmitted diseases, loss of complexion, and a somewhat miserable life.

If you should find you have become prey to a womyn, the best thing to do is to just let her binge, like she normally would. Usually, she will perform fellatio until the victim's seminal reservoirs have been completely drained. Although this can sound somewhat frightening, she will not want to hang around after she has finished dining; she has better things to do than hang around some clingy man. Whatever you do, do not release waste your valuable semen, as this will enrage the beast, and will likely result in intense pain while she is feeding. The wild feeding frenzy may not even last that long, if you have not encountered a womyn before.

Toxicology

A perfect specimen of H. Eroticon is said to be so beautiful, that the victims, regardless of that victim's sex, will remain absolutely smitten in a cesspool of their own bodily fluids, unless evasive action is taken; yet, they are so horribly repulsive, that your eyeballs will explode. Even when wearing a thick, lead blindfold, the casual observer must be extremely careful, for H. Eroticon will also attempt to drain the coffers of a victim within mere seconds (and are often times successful). If you happen to find yourself a victim, there are many ways to prevent this cruel and unusual attack. If you should ever fall prey to the vicious Womyn, and happen to be a man, consider becoming a homosexual. If you are a woman, you are shit out of luck, short of becoming Helen Keller. For the utterly insane, special eyewear has been created to allow the viewing of wymyn in they're unadulterated state (although, quite honestly, your hands will be down your pants the entire time).

History

Womynkind has a history filled with all sorts of facts:

Pre-Womynkind and the Dawn of Womyn

Womyn were originally developed by fascist dictators to serve as a weapon they could get in bed with. Conventional weapons, such as the rapier, the hand-cannon, and the Hindenburg blimp, did not make fantastic candidates for this bloodshed-lovemaking duality. It was decided, in the year 20XX, that a new weapon would be needed to boost the ego of the already great imperators of the world. Many countries tried to create the perfect weapon, but failed miserably. Before the womyn was invented, the closest candidate was the Talking Real Doll. Unfortunately, the Talking Real Doll was too close to an actual woman, and mindlessly ranted about such inane things as, "Are you actually even listening to me?", "I have a life, too, you know," and "I'm six months pregnant, and you spend all of your time and our money at a strip club, and here I am stuck in the hellhole, because you broke both of my legs trying to fuck me again last night, and by trying, I mean failing miserably, because really, a paper clip in a live wall socket could stimulate me more than you ever will. I mean what is wrong with you? I have half a mind to tell the neighbors about your so-called 'male-enhancement' drugs because you can't even get a stiffy around me anymore. What are you, gay? I mean am I that ugly to you? Because I'll let you know I've been sleeping with the neighbor's wife and I'm through with you. And I want a divorce! And I want you castrated."

When the Talking Real Dolls started throwing numerous household items at the perfectly well-meaning dictators, most research in this field stopped. Additionally, all of the members of the UN unanimously signed a treaty to end all sexy weapons of mass destruction production, with the intent of going against it. However, the first and only country to successfully go against this treaty was the United Kingdom and Associated Territories and Principalities under his Majesty the Benevolent Emperor Gordon LXVII, KBE of Israel. Like everybody else, Israel was failing miserably at its craft. However, it was quickly making advances, once it started considering biological warfare. By the end of 20XX, the first Womyn was created, and for the first time in history, a country was peacefully decimated. Because Israel had to choose a small country to test the new weapon out on, Emperor Gordon chose to send his prototype Womyn to the United States of America, a slovenly and impoverished country located somewhere between the thriving district of Canada and the Kingdom of Mexico. Within two days, the entire country had gone completely bankrupt.

Emperor Gordon LXVII immediately ordered the mass production of the womyn. They were first sent to various countries for purposes such as espionage and sex scandals. However, they were eventually used for all sorts of warfare, including the War on Drugs. In less than three weeks, Israel had conquered the entire earth. The entire world was happy.

Wymyn have Mankind by the Balls

While Womynkind was certainly doing its job as far as causing destruction, malice, and many oversexed men, the Emperor had not tried the weapon for his other purpose. This turned out to be a dire mistake, and the best decision he ever made in his life, all at the same time. The world's largest empire collapsed within a matter of six hours; those six hours were scientifically proven to be the best hours ever experienced by the human race. However, the world was impoverished, and soon, nobody wanted to do anything except have sex with wymyn.

Save the mentally challenged and the astronauts, who by this point were considered amongst the greatest minds on the planet, the world had collapsed into decay. Many buildings were destroyed, world hunger reached and all-time high, and a considerable amount of illegitimate children were being born to single, male fathers. Statistics from this period in time indicate an air of truth for the first time in centuries. It is believed that the statisticians didn't really give much of a shit about their jobs anymore, and thus, the peak of statistical data released that year was the null set. Also during this time, haberdashers of sombreros noticed a slight increase in sales, for some undetermined reason.

Eviction of Womynkind

In 1998, God was quite angry with civilization and sent Jesus to deliver his divine countenance to them. According to this scripture (untranslated from ebonics):

22 And the LORD spake,
23 "What the HELL ya'll doin'?
24 Ya'll seriously fucked up in the head.
25 I gots half the mind to wipe humanity again,
26 But ya see, I'm not no busta' like that."

27 And thus did Satan say,
28 "This dude's bustin'!
29 Ya'll get the best thing that done ever happened to you
30 And this guy, he so fucked up he want to take it away!"

31 And ye, 
32 unto the crowd did Jesus come,
33 and spake unto the crowd,
34 and did say,
35 "How and why did I ever get involved in the first place?"
-- Angry God vs. Humanity, 3:22-35

Scholars have also uncovered that the Second Coming of Jesus was not actually armegeddon, although the world wasn't really complaining about it in the first place. Eventually, the humans agreed to square it off with God after figuring out that they wymyn they were sleeping with were also sleeping with countless thousands of other people. God told them if they just quit all of this fucked up repugnant shit, he might consider restoring humanity after he went out for a night on the Town with Buddha. As a form of good measure, the rest of the world converted to Christianity for absolutely no reason.