Why?:Spay and neuter

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You've probably heard nice-sounding slogans like 'Neuter and spay, it's the humane way!', and discounted them as just catchy, sticky and annoying, advertising something unnatural and inhumane that violated the rights of your happy, healthy, fun-and-sex-loving, intact pets. However, you are sorely mistaken: spaying and neutering is the humane way, and has many benefits. In this article, we will explain to you exactly why you should spay and neuter.

Makes pets happier[edit]

Spaying and neutering your pets makes them happier and more relaxed. In fact, they're so happy and relaxed they won't play with those nice toys you bought just for them, and they'll sit around all the time and get fat. You might think having your pet get fat is a bad thing, but this is a common misconception. If you had an energetic pet who played all the time, she would be constantly climbing the curtains, trying to get out, and 'doing her thing' in all sorts of places that you'd rather not clean up. Who needs litter training? Just spay and neuter!

There have also been a few cases of pets who were not as affectionate towards their humans after being neutered/spayed, but this is no cause for concern because they are just dumb animals who don't know what's good for them.

More humane[edit]

Getting your furry friends fixed is more humane than the alternative for several reasons:

  • Cats are natural hunters. This means they are very likely to chase after smaller animals such as mice and kill them. If you get your cat neutered, he will be more likely to become sedentary (sitting around) than go around killing mice; this is more humane for the mice.
  • Back in the old days, people used to spay and neuter animals without any anaesthetic, which meant that they would often attack the human who was unfortunate enough to be performing the operation. In modern times, however, the surgery is done by vets with anaesthetic, which is much more humane, especially because drugs are very healthy and everyone loves vets.
  • It makes a nice rhyming slogan: Neuter and spay, it's the humane way! Catchy, rhyming slogans are excellent for sticking in people's heads and magically getting them to start believing you're right by the sheer power of bouncing around in their head and being annoying.
  • Excess cats result in fewer birds if they are not kept indoors.

Reduces animal overpopulation[edit]

If pets are not spayed and neutered, they have a natural tendency to seek out members of the opposite sex and *ahem* reproduce. This results in many, many puppies, kittens, etc. that have trouble finding homes, and especially cats often become feral and wander around outside practising their natural instincts, which include all sorts of things we would rather they not do.

  • Cats kill birds as well as mice (and anything small they can get their paws on). Songbird populations tend to be lower in areas with more feral cats. This is a very bad thing, because songbirds sing beautiful musical songs and cats just make horrible, cacophonous 'meow' noises, so it's much more pleasant to have lots of songbirds than lots of cats.
  • Cats and other pet animals are extremely fond of mating and fighting with each other. When they do these things they make a lot of noise that nobody wants to hear. (The cats may want to hear it, but they are not people so what they want doesn't matter.) Fewer cats means less noise, especially if the few existent cats are fat couch potatoes.
  • Many animals are in animal shelters waiting for homes, and they frequently wait so long that they get euthanised. Obviously, euthanasia is a 'good death', but still, it would be much better if all these pesky animals hadn't existed in the first place. Then the shelters would be spared the trouble of killing euthanising them.
  • Reduces incidence of disease; see below.

Some would object that humans are far too numerous and pose more of a danger to the world, what with global warming and all. This, however, is not important, even though there are seven billion of us as of 2014. Human life is sacred, and God said in the Bible that we must be fruitful and multiply, so we must never attempt to stop ourselves from being fruitful, multiplying and creating more sacred lives. If abortion is murder - which it is - then aborting babies before they have had a chance to be conceived is also murder.

Reduces incidence of disease[edit]

Unspayed/unneutered animals are more likely to develop diseases such as cancer, most likely due to higher levels of various hormones. We obviously want our pets to have as long and happy lives as possible, so disease is a bad thing.

Humans are also very likely to develop cancer, but it is unacceptable to spay and neuter sterilise them because God told us to be fruitful and multiply, and we must do everything He says in the Bible, the infallible account of His word.

Neutered pets get to cross the Rainbow Bridge when they die[edit]

The Rainbow BridgeRainbow Bridge is like kitty, doggy and bunny heaven; it's the place your pets go to when they pass away. What you probably don't know, though, is that it's only for pets that have been spayed and neutered. Unspayed/unneutered animals are turned away at the pearly gates and go to animal hell, because being intact and 'natural' is a sin.

More natural[edit]

Another common misconception is that leaving your pets unfixed is more natural because they are in that state in the wild. In fact, it is more natural to neuter them. They are not wild animals; they are pets, living in captivity. God gave us the right to dominate other animals, which means we can treat them however we please. God favours us because we were created in His image, so He made us highly intelligent and raised us up on a pedestal above all the dumb animals. He put into every animal the desire to preserve its own species, but because we are intelligent and can speak for ourselves, our desires are the most important. We are also the only species with souls, and only those with true souls can go to the one true heaven. Those with false souls go to the false heaven - the Rainbow Bridge.