Why?:Is the Earth round?
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Why? This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's? |
The query that runs like a broken tape recorder every single day in a man's head since fascist Goliath's downfall in the summer of many years ago is "why is the earth round?" The human kind's obsession with this question has led to obesity, acute frost bites and tampering of world peace. Thousands have attempted to provide a clear explanation only to fall into the pit of fallacy. Gnomes and tooth fairies have the answer it is believed. But with the utter failure to locate the telephone numbers of these fantastic creatures, mankind's key to the divine question remains elusive. Many wise men and women have dared to come out of the closet and attempted to provide the answer. A historical parchment discovered in North Korea in 2009 by an evil dwarf dictator is speculated to contain the most accurate reasons for the earth's form. Unfortunately, the introverted nature of the discoverer has kept him from sharing the good news with humans.
Theories and Speculations[edit]
Scientific[edit]
Indian software engineers came up with a program in 1999 that was to compute the elusive answer. It was a complete failure as the software called 'Curry 1.0' only succeeded in explaining why the earth is not a rhombus. The engineers involved in the project were consequently banned from all social networking sites as punishment for their incompetence. United Nations sponsored scientific research arrived at a ridiculous conclusion known as the 'Rolling Stones' theory. According to this illogical postulation, a perpetually combusting giant mass of mud hung in space for 10 trillion years until a woodpecker crashed onto it. The ball of fire exploded on impact with the little birdie causing it to split into millions of pieces of burning chunks. These break away bodies finally ran out of sake and octopus ink ( the fuels that produced the combustion) and cooled over 100000000 dog years. One of these parts became what we now called earth. Worldwide condemnation of this preposterous theory began on May Day of 2001. Angry young men and senile ladies burned United Nations flags and hurled woodland critters into the compound of the UN Secretariat. The incident resulted in the death of Paul the Octopus' father, Saul the Octopus. As an act of redemption the scientists involved voluntary shipped themselves to Angola in Africa to work as slave laborers.
Theological and Others[edit]
Jews and Arabs, of all the people in the world, embrace the same idea. According to these sand-loving brotherly cronies, the earth was formed when the almighty rolled tiny balls of mud just for fun. As He watered the plants in the garden beside the pearly gates the divine liquid splashed on the globular stuff he had made. One of the mud balls became earth and oceans are remnants of the heavenly water that fell on it. Our ancestors, according to this belief, are ants. Buddhists theological teaching takes the middle path and and conform to the Big Bang Theory. Hindus belief the earth was constructed by Lord Cow-a-Dung-Ah, who completed his masterpiece on 21 st August, 100000000 BC at 12.45 PM IST (Indian Slimy Time). The has since been a shit-hole for its consequentially irritable inhabitants. The Chinese hold the belief that it was made in China. Taiwanese claim it was made in Taiwan. The rest of the world cannot see the difference.
Repercussions of the Beliefs[edit]
The Arab-Israeli War[edit]
The peace of tranquility of the Middle East was disrupted when an Israeli Jew and an Arab engaged in a fist fight over an argument regarding who came up first with the origin of the earth. The fight led to a brawl and the brawl led to ejection of all Arabs from Israel. The neighboring countries were taken aback by the sudden influx of refugees into their territory. Angered by this uncalled for dumping of foreigners, the receiver of the forced immigrants decided to air lift them and drop them into the cities of Israel. Israeli intelligence on receiving information of the plan, the air force went on a blitzkrieg and destroyed all Arab air crafts.
The Taiwanese Massacre[edit]
The dispute regarding the poritical territory where the earth was manufactured, resulted in the mowing down of two hundred mirrion Taiwanese tourists in the Peopers Repubric of China. No one knows how the executioners of this massacre differentiated between a Taiwanese and a Chinese. The United States called for economic embargo on China. However, the matter was put aside when China agreed to import Kentucky Fried Chicken and Mac Donald's from the US.
The Emo Explosion of the 2000's[edit]
One of the most ugly aftermaths of the debate regarding the peculiar shape of our planet is the uncontrolled boom in Emo population. Frantic study by the World Health Organization has revealed that Goth parents that do not conform to any of the aforementioned mainstream ideas and beliefs have their genes inexplicably modified to bear emo children. The total number of Emo teens and middle aged men in the USA alone number 10 times the population of Liberia. It is estimated that the average density of the youth and mid- 40's sub-culture is an astonishing 2300 per square kilometer. Their rise in numbers led to the hair dye crisis of 2005 and also to the increase in prices of metallic elements.
Benefits of the Earth's Roundness[edit]
Well if it wasn't for the shape of our dear old planet, Hagar and his horde of metrosexual Vikings would not have accidentally bumped into Native Indians and come across the next best gift to the world since the pitching fork - tobacco. Had the earth been a boringly flat plane, the bottom would be tremendously heated up when the sun is under. This would cause extreme mayhem.
See Also[edit]
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