Wheeling Jesuit University/Publications/D for Donation

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

D for Donation refers to any number of plans in Wheeling Jesuit University's history where large sums of money were attempted to be taken from the general public in a legal manner - thus, it would not encompass Lundius Superbus' more progressive "cash filtration" schemes enacted in 2001-2003.

The First[edit]

D for Donation existed in many lesser forms throughout the history of the college, but the first major application of this plan can arguably be attributed to Father Jazzman's campaign to raise money for a giant plastic ball pit through "the generosity of the public". Phase One entailed stealing Salvador Dali's The Great Masturbator and exhibiting it in front of the Cheese Wedge, while Phase Two entailed dressing up a student as a bum and walking around with a box marked "$$$ plz". Unfortunately, Father Jazzman's proposal was vetoed by the WJU Board of Governors and the giant plastic ball pit was never built.

Additionally, it was Father Jazzman who first coined the term "D for Donation", which has since stuck.

The Second[edit]

Jesuit Emperor Fed Acker Huang felt compelled to revive this plan after someone had accidentally left an entire crate full of marijuana burning in his bedroom overnight. He later retracted his statement about "the inherent goodness of all of God's children" and executed fifteen random people. The second iteration of D for Donation (D for Donation 2: Electric Boogaloo) was initiated to defray the costs of Huang's Domus Aurea, which was made prohibitively expensive due to initial designs that featured a hot tub and a cage of warbling birds in every classroom. Through threatening and mind-control, the public eventually opened up at gave to the school.

Unfortunately, although the public donated generously, Huang exposed the weakness of D for Donation: if the project is too fucking expensive to begin with, no amount of generousity is going to save it. Thus, although the building was completed, the university became severely in debt.

X-TREME D for Donation[edit]

After the Domus Aurea fiasco, El Presidente was left with the task of cleaning up the university budget and getting the school back in the black (not to be confused with Men in Black II: Back in Black). Taking a cue from his counterpart, in 2002, El Presidente initiated D for Donation in its third incarnation, but with a surprising twist: El Presidente actually realised that, in order to make a profit, an organisation must take in more money than it spends. He called this project X-TREME D for Donation, or XDD for short.

Phase One of El Presidente's scheme was titled "Sucky Faculty Must Go", a severe "house-cleaning" amongst the faculty of WJU that saw some of its more popular professors feeling "compelled" to leave. This unpopular move was met with several attempts on El Presidente's life, all of them involving a giant mousetrap with a sack of money as bait. Phase One is currently still in progress.

Phase Two of XDD was called "You Can't Touch This". El Presidente's financial team decided on X-TREME cost-cutting measures to save the school, including reducing the number of meals a day from three to one, selling student internal organs for cash, and setting up the Office of Kulpability. The reason for the third action is yet unknown. This move was also very unpopular, and large amounts of rotten tomatoes were thrown at El Presidente's car. Estimates range from 45 to 600 tomatoes a day.