Unrequited love

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Elmo Loves You!

If you've never experienced unrequited love, here is a useful guide.

  1. Heart Break: If you've never experienced this, it may seem an intensely melodramatic term. However, if you have, you know there's nothing worse than lying around, eating chocolates and listening to Radiohead. See emo.
  2. Heart Ache: This is to heart break as a dose of the flu is to a zombie outbreak.
  3. Heart Attack: If you've never suffered one of these before, it may be indistinguishable from heart break, where you clutch your chest, go blue in the face, and collapse. However, heart break can't be cured by shouting "Clear!" and hitting yourself in the chest with two paddles.
  4. Hart to Hart: A dull '80s program about two people who spend time being detectives, along with a small kickable pet.
  5. In Short. Unrequited love is a pain in the ass.[1]

More On Unrequited Love[edit]

Unrequited love seems to be the most common among nerds (such as those who spend all of their time reading and writing online encyclopedias), unless said nerd is in love with his left hand. For some reason, no matter what your grade point average is, how many awards you've won for good attendance, and how large your action figure collection is, the chance remains good that she'll pretty much only see you as the weird guy with the binoculars and his hand down his pants.

Unfortunately, most nerds will have to settle for a fat chick they meet at a Star Wars convention, or, even more likely, they'll just look at porn for the rest of their cheap and miserable lives.

Or along comes the perfect girl...wait, we're being realistic here, right? And this is unrequited love. Sorry to get your hopes up.

Yes there is some hope[edit]

The best way to defeat unrequited love is to first love yourself, because who wants to date a depressed boring old fart?


Love is just left-wing propaganda anyway, so who gives a crap about it?


  1. Requited love can be a big pain in the ass, as well.