One of my PLS articles. Yes, I know the images have web addresses on them, I'm working on that. In the meantime, however, some additional feedback would be cool. —Sir Guildensternenstein 23:14, 6 April 2009 (UTC)
- Yo Guildy, these articles are funny (sorry they didn't win) but the one thing that bugs me is that there two separate articles. It seems like one can't exist without the other. Like, if you nom them, would they both have to be featured? Do ya know what I'm saying? Like, if there was some way to keep the articles together as one, without creating an insanely long single article.--
Smokin' Cheddar BBQ: The King of the Triangular Snackfoods 02:26, 7 April 2009 (UTC)
- That is sort of an inherent problem, yes. Both articles together is far too long, but by themselves they're incomplete. The best solution I've got to that is have links in the "See Also" section. Although, doing things this was I have the option to do a "series" of D&D:IRL articles. I'm planning one on Alignments & Dieties, actually. But yeah. —Sir Guildensternenstein 04:24, 7 April 2009 (UTC)
- M'kay, so, the answer to my image problem was solved sooner than expected, so that's good haha. Pee away! —Sir Guildensternenstein 12:58, 7 April 2009 (UTC)
- Drive by: Make a page called, Dungeons & Dragons: Real Life Edition and briefly summarize it there. Make it sort of a guide, like a World of Warcraft guidebook if you know what I am talking about, like you already have it. Briefly introduce it and talk about how great and new it is, then link to the different pages all from that page. Do you get what I am saying? ~SirTagstit • VFH • NotM • PEEING • CPT • RotM • BFF 15:08, 7 April 2009 (UTC)
- I think you may have something here... —Sir Guildensternenstein 16:44, 7 April 2009 (UTC)
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This article is under review by
<font-weight:bold>Gerry Cheevers.
Sayeth Gerry: shotgun!!
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humans, cease noise exchange. i will now review. don't conflict me or else. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 16:59, 7 April 2009 (UTC)
| Humour:
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7
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average of humor scores
intro: 8
- okay, good start. you establish your direction, and it draws me in. i'm looking forward to reading the rest of this. one question: why D&D:IRL? what's the 'I'? in real life?
how do you play?: 4
- i feel like you missed an opportunity with this section. more elaboration on dice rolls, game mechanics, and stuff like that in general would work quite well. not too much, as that could probably be a decent sized article in its own right, but just enough for a few paragraphs.
character class intro: 6
- a nice touch here, but your fault is a lack of length. here is a good place to elaborate on the importance of picking the right character. you've done that well, but only for a little bit. turn this mini-paragraph into one or two good-sized ones for a proper intro to the races.
white: 8
- okay, i really enjoyed that. good stuff, although the grouping was a little strange. i'd put 'languages' in the middle group and 'ability modifiers' in the last group. other than that, this was pretty great. this sentence confused me: 'Although they excel in positions of authority—indeed, their White Power racial feature is one of the game’s best—Caucasians are also capable of being any of the game’s classes by virtue of being better than any of the other races'. i understood it after a few reads, but the distinction between 'class' and 'race' might be lost on some; perhaps throw in some example classes here to clarify?
asian: 9
- a lot of that was great. i really can't find much fault with it. perhaps an asian driving joke? that's the only steroetype you didn't touch on, i think.
negro: 7
- this one was just okay. i feel like you weren't really subtle the way you were with asians. just flat out saying 'get free money from the federal government' falls a bit flat, as it's not really that clever. i did love 'plate stupid shit in gold'. they also have way more skill modifiers than anyone else, maybe drop a few for balance's sake? i'm not sure '+5 rape' or '+5 murder' work that well.
hispanic: 8
- good all around, but there's really no negative aspects. every race should have their pros and cons; try to come up with some stuff that would be a disadvantage for a hispanic.
arab/persian/turk: 8
- good stuff again here. what's the '(utility power)' mean? nice one on the political correctness.
dot indian: 9
- this might be your best section so far; well done. i'm not sure that 'It is commonly held that Indians are far superior to Arabs' is entirely necessary, though. also, the title 'dot indian' is a bit overused.
indian: 8
- spicy food resistance low? i would have thought higher. good section, but maybe a little more about them getting walked all over, as that is the common perception yet demonstrably not true.
jew: 8
- a good wrap-up of the races section. was the small penis joke really necessary? the jew nose trait seemed to be a little bit of the same joke, and might not be needed.
conclusion: 0
- i must dock you points, as you do not offer a warp-up at the end of your article. throw in just a paragraph or two about picking a race, and tie it into picking a class, as it would be a good lead-in to the other half of the article.
overall comments
- i think the setup is very good, and the listing of traits and abilities and a brief description works great; it's just what i expect a D&D manual for the real game might look like. however, some of the things seem a bit superflous. the penis, breast, and ass size all seem a little immature. i know the jokes exist in regards to some of the races, but adding it to all of them drags it down. maybe you could take them out and mention them in a few of the descriptions, or ass a skill or something? the weakest part of each individual section is usually the 'play this race if you want...' part, but it seems that this might be present in the actual manual, and it also contains some really great lines, so if you are keeping it, try to improve some of them.
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| Concept:
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10
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5/5 points for a decently well-known subject, twisted to form another subject.
5/5 points for execution; i really liked your approach and style. a ten! well done!
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| Prose and formatting:
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8
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everything seemed set up right, with proper grammar and spelling and prose. my only concern is that second section, which is just whitespace, and again in my opinion should be expanded to a full section.
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| Images:
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8
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the images are great, but the leading image of just the die is a bit of a disappointment. see if you can get one of our choppers to make you a box cover or something, or at least throw a witty caption onto the die image.
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| Miscellaneous:
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8.3
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i rolled a d12. that's what came up.
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| Final Score:
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41.3
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my preview button tells me that your score is 41.3. that's the highest score i've given out in seven months, which speaks volumes about how much i like this article, despite its fairly large flaws. those flaws being: you need a conclusion, you need to improve the second paragraph, you need to improve the leading image. other than that, awesome article! i look forward to seeing this on VFH where i will almost certainly be voting for it. as for this article's complement, the class one, i think the race one stands a better chance of being featured since it's shorter and more concise, but it couldn't hurt to have the class one looked at also. great job, and if you have any questions feel free to drop by my talk page.
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| Reviewer:
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SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 17:54, 7 April 2009 (UTC)
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