UnScripts:The Fresh Prophet Of Bel-Ur
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The UnScripts Project
Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions.
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Every occultist with a bad attitude's favorite abusive arcane asshole Aleister Crowley liked to brag that he was the first religious leader with a sense of humor, however he has clearly never seen Abraham in his sitcom, The Fresh Prophet Of Bel-Ur. Take the episode where Terah leaves Abram in charge of the shop and comes home early and the idol shop is a mess.
Terah: "ABRAM!!!"
Abram: "Sup pops?"
(Studio audience laughs)
Terah: "Abram, do you mind explaining why all of the idols of false gods have been smashed?"
Abram: "Well that’s a funny story, see like this fifty year old dude came in lookin to buy one of them statues of Ishtar with the real big boulders and make a bunch of sacrifices to it, and I was all like, “Man, that shit is whack! Your fifty years old and worship a statue it didn’t even take me a day to make. Really, what’s your problem man? So he got all embarrassed and was like, “You know something kid, your right.” and so he left, aight."
Terah: "Go on…"
Abram: "And than this woman comes in unaccompanied by a man to give a sacrifice of flour to one of those weird looking furry buff dude statues. So you know, I let her do her thang and she went away, but than, I shit you not pops, the other statues, they got jealous, and started fighting over the flour!"
Terah: "Oh really?"
Abram: "Yeah really, would I lie to you like that? That’s why see sell these things isn’t it, it’s cause they all magic and shit. So that real buff dude over there, he just broke all the others and took all the flour for himself, and you know, I wasn’t about to get my ass kicked or nothin by no magic statue, that dude is huge,looks like he goes to the gym all the time, he’d whip my ass!"
Terah: " Will Abram do you really expect me to believe that?"
Abram: "Well, yeah, you do worship a bunch of false gods so I kind of do."
(Studio audience laughs)
Terah: "Young man, do you have any idea how much you just cost me? Get out of the house! You destroyed my property, so I’m taking you to the police Nimrod's palace, you can spend the night there."
(Studio audience sympathetically awes)
Abram: "Whatever man, but you know this shit is whack and Nimrod is crooked as they come."
(The scene changes to Nimrod’s police station throne room as Terah leads in Abraham by the ear)
Abram: "Hey man, you don’t have to pinch my ear so hard!"
Terah: "Yeah, well maybe now you understand what it’s like listening to you practice one of your rap songs."
(Studio audience laughs)
Nimrod: "Well look what the cat dragged in, if it isn’t Abram Smith. What did you do this time? Wait let me guess, a couple of guys who were up to no good, they started making trouble in your neighborhood?"
Terah: "Not this time my king, Abram here broke almost all of my graven images down at the idol shop, so I brought him here so you could teach him a lesson in respecting other people’s false religions and property."
Abram: "You know pops maybe it’s you who needs to learn a lesson or two about not lying to people about how the universe works just to make a quick buck."
Nimrod: "Alright, break it up you two."
(Terah let’s go of Abram and Nimrod sizes him up)
Nimrod: "You know, maybe worshipping a carved piece of stone and molded clay just isn’t your thang,what about worshipping fire? Fire is very powerful you know, with fire I could burn you to a crisp."
Abram: "Yeah, but what if it rains and puts out the fire? I mean, what kind of all-powerful god can’t handle getting a little wet?"
Nimrod: "Alright, than let us declare water god instead, water can flood your home and wipe clean every record of your existence."
Abram: "Yeah, but clouds absorb water, and even they are dispersed by the wind; it’s a little thing called evaporation, I learned about it in school."
Nimrod: "Alright fine, let us declare wind our god, that shouldn’t be hard, you certainly are full of it."
Abram: "The wind can’t even lift me off the ground, by that logic shouldn’t I just worship some beefy dude down at the gym?
(Nimrod slaps his forhead)
Nimrod: "Alright smart ass, I’m tired of arguing with you I’m sticking with fire as my god. If your god is the real deal than let’s see it start to rain in doors with the windows shut and see how that turns out for you."
(Terah and Carlton Heran say goodbye to Abram as he is tied to a stake and surrounded by kindling)
Heran: "Well goodbye Abram, as you so love to say, “smell you later”. Get it, you’re going to be burned alive and the smell of your flesh caught ablaze is going to…"
Abram: "Yeah man, I get it you don’t need to draw me a picture."
Nimrod: "Well Haran what about you, what god do you worship?"
Heran: "I..erm…worship fire? Except when it’s raining I guess…"
(The pile of wood is caught ablaze as Abram is obscured by flame, after 5 minutes the flames die down as Abram appears unscathed. Abram walks over to his family, his bindings burned away and dusts himself off.)
Abram: "I always knew I was hot stuff!"
(Studio audience laughs)
Heran: "Uh...what I meant to say is, I worship Abram’s god. Move over Abram and stop stealing the show!"
Abram: "Uh, Carlton Heran, I really don’t think that’s a good idea man…"
Heran: "That’s real typical Will Abram! You never give me the chance to shine in my own light."
Abram: "Alright man, but don’t say I didn’t warn you."
(Heran enthusiastically leaps into the flame and perishes off screen because his faith depended on witnessing miracles, so it didn’t really count; Abram shrugs.)
Terah: "That’s the last straw Abram! You're moving with your auntie and uncle in the promised land!"
