UnScripts:Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead
This script art a part of
The UnScripts Project
Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions.
Two Elizabethans are flipping a coin. Rozencrantz (Hereafter 'Ros') is a bit stupid, Guildenstern (Hereafter 'Guil') is the straight man. There's lots of comedic potential right there, I can tell you...
Guil: Who said that?
Guil: Someone just described us and our circumstances!
Ros: (innocently) Well it wasn't me!
Guil: What did you say?
Ros: 'Well it wasn't me.'
Guil:(angrily) Before that!
Ros:(Frantically) I said 'What'!
Guil: Shut up
A slience ensues
Guil: What's this play about anyway?
Guil: You know the play, the play we're in...
Ros: Then what?
Guil: Well, it's sort of Hamlet...
Guil: Well, it's sort of a parody
Ros: (curious) Parody?
Ros: Well ...
Guil: Well technically right now we're in a parody of a parody, as this is Uncyclopedia
Ros: What's that?
Ros: Get back to the point!
Guil: What's the point of 'Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead'?
Ros: (terrified) We're dead?
Guil: Well, obviously not.
Guil: Which is more than I can say for the writing!
(Crickets) Guil sighs
HAMLET: My excellent good friends! How dost thou, Guildenstern? Ah, Rosencrantz! Good lads, how do ye both?
Ros: As the indifferent children of the earth.
Guil: Happy, in that we are not over-happy; On fortune's cap we are not the very button.
HAMLET: Nor the soles of her shoe?
Ros: Neither, my lord.
HAMLET: Then you live about her waist, or in the middle of her favours?
Guil: 'Faith, her privates we.
HAMLET: In the secret parts of fortune? O, most true; she is a strumpet. What's the news?
Ros: None, my lord, but that the world's grown honest.
HAMLET Then is doomsday near: but your news is not true. Let me question more in particular: what have you, my good friends, deserved at the hands of fortune, that she sends you to prison hither?
Guil: What happened there?
Ros: (despondantly) I don't know
Ros: To fill time?
Guil: Who do you think you are? Solid Snake?
Ros: (innocently) What do you mean?
Guil: You're always repeating what I say, but in the form of a question
Ros: Repeating what you say?
Guil: This is terrible
Ros: What is?
Ros: So who wrote 'Rozencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead'
Guil: (terrified) We're dead?
Ros: No, you buffoon, that's the name of the play
Guil: I thought you were the stupid one?!?
Ros: I thought I was the straight man?!?
Guil: No, we switched places just now
Guil: Yeah ...
Ros: SO! who wrote it?
Guil: It is pleased?
Guil: Who is Please?
Ros: (furiously) I'm the idiot, you're the straight man!
Guil: I'm the idiot? You're the straight man?!?!
Ros: (earth shattering violence) WHO WROTE THE PLAY?!?!?
Guil: Thomas Stoppard.
Guil: You mean 'who'
Ros: Sorry ; Who?
Guil: Tom Stoppard
Ros: What's he like?
Guil: His parents were Austrian ...
Guil: No, Austrian.
Guil: (impatient) NO! AUSTRIAN!
Guil: Well, I guess there's nothing left to do except die ...
Ros: Surely not!
Guil: Don't call me Shirley
Ros: That's an old Naked Gun joke
Guil: Who's on now?
Ros: Who's on first?