UnScripts:Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead

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Two Elizabethans are flipping a coin. Rozencrantz (Hereafter 'Ros') is a bit stupid, Guildenstern (Hereafter 'Guil') is the straight man. There's lots of comedic potential right there, I can tell you...

Guil: Who said that?

Ros: What?

Guil: Someone just described us and our circumstances!

Ros: (innocently) Well it wasn't me!

Guil: What?

Ros: What?

Guil: What did you say?

Ros: 'Well it wasn't me.'

Guil:(angrily) Before that!

Ros: 'What?'


Ros:(Frantically) I said 'What'!


Ros: Huh?

Guil: Shut up

A slience ensues

Guil: What's this play about anyway?

Ros: What?

Guil: You know the play, the play we're in...

Ros: Hamlet?

Guil: No

Ros: Then what?

Guil: Well, it's sort of Hamlet...

Ros: How?

Guil: Well, it's sort of a parody

Ros: (curious) Parody?

Guil: Yes

Ros: Well ...

Guil: Well technically right now we're in a parody of a parody, as this is Uncyclopedia

Ros: What's that?

Guil: Huh?

Ros: Get back to the point!

Guil: What's the point of 'Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead'?

Ros: (terrified) We're dead?

Guil: Well, obviously not.

Ros: Obviously.

Guil: Which is more than I can say for the writing!

(Crickets) Guil sighs

Ros: Maybe it's about the insignificane and absurdity of life, the limits of language, the obscurity of the average human's existance, the general pointlessness of it all ...


Guil: What

Hamlet enters

HAMLET: My excellent good friends! How dost thou, Guildenstern? Ah, Rosencrantz! Good lads, how do ye both?

Ros: As the indifferent children of the earth.

Guil: Happy, in that we are not over-happy; On fortune's cap we are not the very button.

HAMLET: Nor the soles of her shoe?

Ros: Neither, my lord.

HAMLET: Then you live about her waist, or in the middle of her favours?

Guil: 'Faith, her privates we.

HAMLET: In the secret parts of fortune? O, most true; she is a strumpet. What's the news?

Ros: None, my lord, but that the world's grown honest.

HAMLET Then is doomsday near: but your news is not true. Let me question more in particular: what have you, my good friends, deserved at the hands of fortune, that she sends you to prison hither?

Hamlet Exits

Guil: What happened there?

Ros: (despondantly) I don't know

Guil: It's almost as if the playwright copied and pasted large sections of Hamlet to fill time!

Ros: To fill time?

Guil: Who do you think you are? Solid Snake?

Ros: (innocently) What do you mean?

Guil: You're always repeating what I say, but in the form of a question

Ros: Repeating what you say?

Guil: Yes

Ros: Yes?

Guil: This is terrible

Ros: What is?

Guil: The play, it's just a cross between Waiting for Godot and Hamlet, it doesn't even have make any sense ...

Ros: WHAT??


The play is notoriously difficult to produce, due to the large number of live crickets required.

Ros: So who wrote 'Rozencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead'

Guil: (terrified) We're dead?

Ros: No, you buffoon, that's the name of the play

Guil: I thought you were the stupid one?!?

Ros: I thought I was the straight man?!?

Guil: No, we switched places just now

Ros: Oh

Guil: Yeah ...

Ros: SO! who wrote it?

Guil: It?

Ros: Please...

Guil: It is pleased?

Ros: (sighs)

Guil: Who is Please?

Ros: (furiously) I'm the idiot, you're the straight man!

Guil: I'm the idiot? You're the straight man?!?!

Ros: (earth shattering violence) WHO WROTE THE PLAY?!?!?

Guil: Thomas Stoppard.

Ros: What?

Guil: You mean 'who'

Ros: Sorry ; Who?

Guil: Tom Stoppard

Ros: Oh


Ros: What's he like?

Guil: His parents were Austrian ...

Ros: Australian?

Guil: No, Austrian.

Ros: Australian?

Guil: (impatient) NO! AUSTRIAN!

Ros: Australian?


Ros: Australian?

Guil: Please...

Ros: Who?

Guil: (sighs)

(Silence) (crickets)

Guil: Well, I guess there's nothing left to do except die ...

Ros: Surely not!

Guil: Don't call me Shirley

Ros: That's an old Naked Gun joke

Guil: What?

Ros: Who?

Guil: Who's on now?

Ros: Who's on first?

Guil: What?