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The UnScripts Project
Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions.
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Hello. I am Alex Mercer. I mean, I WAS Alex Mercer, since I'm already dead (spoiler for those who have not played the game yet) and I look like him but who cares. I have come to New York to work as Gentek's bitch- I mean, Gentek's genetic scientist. I have tried to find out about what is going on at Gentek, which left me with a deadly virus. I ran away from the cops, but they cornered me somewhere. Before I was shot I threw the virus at my face. Then they shot me. Then I died. Who cares.
Now New York is filled of freaks and zombies due to the outbreak of the said virus. The virus also gave me superpowers through extreme genetic modification[yeah, right], which made me a step up from Gordon Freeman.
I just killed ten Blackwatch soldiers whose weapons felt like bees stinging you all over without the stinging. Anyway, I need to find my sister. She knows something I don't know.
I arrived at my sister's apartment. Shit. There's soldiers everywhere. Some of them have their pants down. What the fuck are they doing? I grabbed one of these pants-less soldiers and assumed the disguise. It was extremely humiliating walking around with my pants down, but I need the disguise.
I went inside the house. The soldiers really didn't notice me coming. Some of them were totally distracted because they were too busy wanking off.
Alex enters Dana's apartment. Inside, Dana was struggling against the grip of a Blackwatch soldier behind her.
BLACKWATCH TROOPER: Tits or GTFO bitch!
Dana: Alex! Help!
Fuck! This fag is trying to rape my sister. No worry. I punched him in the face and ripped his brain out.
Alex takes his sister to her safehouse.
This place is dark and shitty. Perhaps the shittiest building.
Alex: Where do I live?
Dana stands up and approaches a map of Manhattan on the wall. She points at a landmark marked, "Alex's Apartment".
Alex left and headed for the apartment. Minutes later, inside Alex's home...
Alex: Home. My home.
Wow, this place is really neatly kept. I must say, those Blackwatch soldiers really did a good job cleaning up house while planting explosives under the floorboards. They're really good guys.
I see a picture of me with an ugly bitch. I touch the picture. Wait! I remember that ugly bitch! She was my - arrgh, I can't remember.
An explosion destroyed the apartment. Alex was sent flying out of the building, but unharmed. He landed on the street, surrounded by marines.
Shit. I'm surrounded. No worry, I'll just punch them one by one in the face. Shit. One of these marines are calling a strike team. I took him out fast.
A weird looking guy wearing sunglasses and a black suit appeared out of nowhere and boarded an APC. Something tells me he's got something I need to know (except the fact that he's gay). He's heading for the park. I sprint towards the park and scoped around.
He seems to be holed up in the APC giving handjobs to the soldiers inside. I need to lure him out. I consumed one insignificant marine and took his missile launcher. I aimed the missile at the APC and fired. The explosion was powerful. The gay man was now running away from the APC at a moderately-slow pace. I run up to him then pinned him to the ground (not in a gay way). I planted blows on his face (with my knuckles, not my penis) then consumed him. His memories might be important for me to remember what happened to me. Oh shit! These memories...they're horrible! Arrggh! My eyes! I need to forget about this!
I need to return to my sister and get more information.
Alex arrives at his sister's apartment. His mind was still plagued by the recent memory he saw. Dana was in front of Alex's laptop, browsing the web. She was completely oblivious that her brother was behind her.
Alex: Found anything?
Dana: Jesus H. Fucking Christ! Don't do that!
Alex: Sorry. What are you doing? 4chan?
Dana: No. I'm playing Farmville. Your apartment?
Alex turned his head down.
Alex: Blown to pieces. I found this operative of Blackwatch. I consumed him for information, but it was full of shit and gayness. I need another lead.
Dana: Well it says here something about a shitty place called Hope, Idaho. I know, the midwestern US is shit, but it says here something about a girl named Elizabeth Greene. She's currently being held in the Gentek headquarters. She might be your lead.
Alex left his sister and heads for the Gentek building.
Fuck. This building is so heavily guarded. It seems there is a lockdown going on at the moment. I need to assume the disguise of the commander. There are some small detectors inside the base that beeps when I get near. I need to be careful. I walked behind the commander, grabbed him in the penis, then consumed him. The consumption gave me his form. I ran to the entrance and worked my way up the building.
On the 51st floor, something terrible happened. Red stuff was all over the walls. There were corpses of Blackwatch soldiers scattered around, mutilated in different horrifying ways.
Holy mother of God! What the fuck happened here? What is this red stuff on the walls? They look like those tentacles from the lolicon tentacle rape scenes I see posted on 4chan everyday. Did tentacle raping just occur in this floor, with these...uuugghh...soldiers? I really don't want to know.
Alex enters a dark room with a glass cell inside. He opens the cell.
Ah, I opened it. There's a woman inside the cell, just sitting there minding her own business. She must be Elizabeth Greene. I approached the woman.
Alex: Hey, bitch. You Elizabeth Greene? Wanna go out?
The woman turned to face Alex.
Alex: Holy shit! Man, you look like shit! What's going on?
Elizabeth: The time of waiting is over.
Alex: The fuck you mean, bitch?
Elizabeth hit Alex squarely in the chest and it sent Alex flying to the wall behind him.
Shit. This bitch is strong. And crazy. I groan and struggle to get up. I look up and see her standing in front of me. Oh shit. I think she's going to fuck me up with thousands of tentacles. Just like what she did with the Blackwatch soldiers I saw earlier.
Alex: I-I don't understand.
Elizabeth positioned her hand above Alex's head.
FUUUUCKK!!! She's telepathically sending memories into my brain! And fuck my life, this is worse than the memories I obtained earlier! Oh God, make it STTTTOOOOPPPP!!!!
I slump on the floor again to pretend that I'm dead. Elizabeth got bored of sending gay thoughts into my brain and signals some of the tentacles to destroy a section of the wall. The wall was destroyed.
Elizabeth turned to Alex.
Elizabeth: I am your mother.
Elizabeth jumps down. Alex tried to hold her back, but fails.
Alex: Mom? Mom! I'm sorry I couldn't call you for the past ten years! I heard about what happened to you and Dad! Dana is alright! And - aargh, who am I kidding. She's going to spread the virus into Manhattan anyway, now that I have let her loose.
Beside him, the red stuff exploded and out came red animal-like things.
Hunters. Fuck. And shit, where the fuck did I get that name. Oh well, they look awesome, so I guess Hunter would be a suitable name for them.
One of the hunters leaped towards Alex. The others joined and proceeded to fuck Alex up. Alex escapes and falls down from the building. He lands on the compound. Marines around him were startled, unable to explain what was going on.
Phew. That was close. I was almost raped by mutants and tentacles to an extent that my mother won't recognize my sorry ass again.
Hunters fall from the sky and kills the marines.
Shit, here they are! I'm too outnumbered to fight them, I'll have to get to one of those military bases and use their weaponry to kill these fuckers!
Alex heads for the nearby military base and enters through the skylight. The marines were alarmed and started shooting at him.
Arrgh! Stop shooting at me! I need one of your rocket launchers!
A hunter enters the base and proceeded to fuck up the nearby marines. Alex grabs a missile launcher, and fires one at the hunter. The hunter was stunned.
I jumped up on the hunter's face and proceeded to consume him using these weird tendrils that pops out from my ass when I try to consume people. My body completely absorbed the Hunter's biological material and healed me greatly. Ah, that felt great.
Alex suddenly experiences major spasms.
Arrrgh, fuck! What's happening to me! I feel like I'm having an extreme pants-shittingly mind-blowing orgasm! Is this what happens all the time when you consume and felt good about it? Arrgh!
Alex's forearms transform in arms with claws as fists.
Wow! I now have claws! Sweet! Now all I need is some sort of yellow costume and I can make like Wolverine! Yeah! I bet these claws can do some damage to these Hunters.
More hunters arrive. Alex greets them by kicking their asses one by one. They seemed to come in endless numbers.
Shit, I need to end this. Ah, I got an idea. I need to blow up those fuel tanks. That way these hunters and marines will die.
I took out the tanks one by one. A huge explosion occurred inside the army base. Shit, this one is powerful! I need to take cover. Oh wait, that's completely unnecessary, since this is just one of the game's lousy cutscenes. I won't die.
The army base was destroyed.
Fuck. I need to get away from here before the rest of these soldiers and hunters arrive to fuck me up. The outbreaks are now beginning to spread across Manhattan. Shit, I am just awesome.