UnScripts:Insight into the Mind of an Asparagus

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Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions.

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Slow dark thoughts, twisting up from the ground...

And a slow ... slow ... growing ... hatred of all that have...




Enter, stage center, from below, ASPARAGUS 1

Asparagus 1: Ah sun, ah dirt, ah, lovely dark smelly luscious wonderful dirt, ah dampness, aahhhhh wonderful fertile muck!

Enter, stage center, from below, ASPARAGUS 2

Asparagus 2: Ah lovely sun, bright photon stream, ah lovely muck...

Asparagus 1: Hey! Hey you! What's your name?

Asparagus 2: You talkin' ta me?

Asparagus 1: You see anybody else here?

Asparagus 2: Nope. Don't see nobody. Don't got eyes. Duh! Whatta yuh think I am, a potato?

Asparagus 1: Nope, think yer an asparagus. So what's yer name, green guy?

Asparagus 2: Joe.

Asparagus 1: Pleeztemeechuh, Joe. I'm Sam.

Enter, stage center, from below, ASPARAGUS 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

Joe: Hey, what's this, a crowd, what's goin on? A parade?

Asparagus 3: Oh it's just so divineish here, I just love that sunny sunshiney sunshine!

Asparagus 6: Oooooooo it's so like wow here! It's like, oooooo!

Asparagus 4: Like so warm, and so damp, and stuff! Woooo hoooo!

Joe, to Asparagus 6: Hey you're cute. What's yer name?

Asparagus 6: Jeanie. Hey who's your, like so wow, green and stuff, friend there?

Furry little bunny friend

Enter, stage left, RABBIT

Rabbit: Mum dee num dee doo... ooo, it's sticky here, ugh. Gooshy. Some kind of swamp, ugh...

RABBIT hops slowly across the stage

Rabbit: Dum dee doo dee ooky goooky HEY what's THIS? Yum!!

Sam: Hey you! Get away from Jeanie!

RABBIT ignores Sam. Starts nibbling on an Asparagus Stalk

Jeanie: Screams. But only the asparagus plants can hear her.

Sam: Stop that! Get away from her, you monster!

Joe: Jeanie, RUN!

Jeanie: With what? You idiot!! Asparagus stalks don't have le-- EEEEK

RABBIT finishes eating Jeanie

Sam: Help help help!

All the asparagus stalks together: Help HELP HELP!!!

A cloud of fear pheromones rises from the asparagus patch as they send out their chemical cry for help

RABBIT approaches Asparagus 7

Rabbit: Hmmm hmm hmm what have we here? Mmmmm!

Asparagus 7: Get away from me! No, don't do that! HELP!

Guinea pig gang leader, with minions

Enter, stage right: Herd of guinea pigs

Pig 1: Hey what's that? Do you see it, Jimmy?

Pig 2: I sure do, Frankie. There's somebody ... someBUNNY ... in our field.

Pig 3: Duuuuhhhh they can't DOOOO that huhhh...


Joe: Oh thank the Green Goddess, we're saved!

Sam: Saved? SAVED?? Ninnyhammer! Those are GUINEA PIGS!! HEEEELP!

Pig 37: (We did tell you it's a herd of pigs, you may recall) Ooooo looky here, an asparagus patch! Yum!

All the asparagus stalks together: HELP HELP HELP!

Huge cloud of fear pheromones rises over the patch

Gang of badgers, led by a cat

Enter, stage left: Gang of badgers

Badger 1: Hey what's this? Minipigs? Hey fellas, looks like lunch on the hoof!

Badgers charge into the asparagus patch

Various asparagus stalks: Ouch! Stop that! Hey, watch where you're stepping! Ow!

Exit, stage right, Pigs, pursued by Badgers

Sam: Wow that was close. Wasn't it, Joe?

Joe: I'll say! How many of us are left?

Asparagus 4: Well, I'm still here. For sure. And it's still all warmish and dampish and stuff.

Asparagus 3: Me too.

Enter, from straight back stage: an ELEPHANT

Elephant strolls down stage and into the asparagus patch

Asparagus stalks: NO NO NO Ouuuch!

Elephant picks a clump of stalks and stuffs them in its mouth, then stomps across most of the rest of the patch, exits downstage

Sam: Ah .. it's gone. Finally.


Sam: Joe? I said it's gone.


Sam: Joe? ... Anybody?


Sam: That does it. I'm going after them. They can run but they can't hide. They will learn to fear the wrath of ... ASPARAGUS!

Sam starts rocking from side to side, gradually rising from the ground, as the lights dim