UnScripts:Feel Good Sports Movie
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Feel Good Sports Movie is a movie written circa 1987, approximately one year before the release of what is generally considered the first movie of this genre, "Hoosiers." After the enormous popularity of said film, "Feel Good Sports Movie" was lost in the sands of time, before being rediscovered in 1994 by renowned screenwriting school NYFA (New York Film Academy). Its perfectly easy-to-follow plot and predictable if heartrending plot twists became the blueprint of many films created by graduates of this school, beginning with 2000's "Remember the Titans." It is still used as the cornerstone of "Easy Money 101" classes the world over, and until recently was kept secret within super-elite screenwriting guilds. With the penetration of these guilds by the crack espionage team of UnScripts, we finally present to you Feel Good Sports Movie.
Characters
- Travis Beauregard- Despite his name, Travis is not at all British and is indeed the quarterback of the high school football team. As is to be expected, he gets every girl, does well in school, and is extremely popular all around. However, he has a dark underbelly to his life, involving teenage angst and general sadness that clearly surpasses all other forms of sadness in the world. We all sympathize with him, and wish his life would be less intolerable.
- James Maxwell- The coach of the high school football team, James is a ruthless yet dedicated family man who, despite his tough exterior, has a heart of gold. His only desire is to lead his team to a place where legends are made and remain legendary until they fade out of the vogue. In any case, his blunt personality comes across as asinine at first, but slowly grows on the players as they realize that between the seventeen-hour practices and the "I'll shoot you if you fuck up" policy, he is actually a warm and caring person.
- Joseph LaGrange- Travis' best friend, Joseph (commonly known as Joe) also plays the dual role of "token black person." This role is crucial in the character development, as it lends much-forced adversity to an otherwise incredibly un-adverse period somewhere between the opening credits and the final placard of the closing ones. Joe often stares wistfully into space as sad music plays, lamenting the hot-button issue of the moment, conveniently presented in thought-bubble form.
- The Team- An unimportant mass of hulking, minimally developed people comprising the team necessary to drive the story along its path. Among the team are dumb people, bad athletes, assholes, and one very angry student who has repeated his Senior year four times. They are referred to, for ease, scene by scene by their principle trait. As such, "Big Dumb Guy" and "Douchebag" refer to members of the team that otherwise should remain nameless.
- Izak Gregorovotchzky- The evil villain of the movie, Izak is a Russian who lost out on his big break when he injured himself at the 1980 Olympic Trials. Through reasons unexplained, he somehow managed to take up football and learn all about its intricacies. He is currently the high school coach at James Maxwell's alma mater, which happens to be the rival team of Maxwell's. He is assisted by his spineless associate Gregor Tzchaikovak.
Scene 1
A wide sweeping shot of a grassy field plays out as laughing children are heard below. The sky is cloudless and the sun is bright. The camera zooms in and out on a seemingly normal sky, where we see a bird in the distance. It flies toward the camera, or perhaps the camera toward it. As it flies down, the view is tilted toward the ground, where we see a bizarrely large and out-of-place black mansion. Its edges are sharp and jagged, and we hear Izak Gregorovotchzky's voice.
Izak: No, no, NO! I cannot work with this team, they are too weak! I cannot do this!
Gregor: I-I-I'm sorry, s-s-sir. What do you want me to do?
The sound of a whip is heard and a whimpering Gregor shortly thereafter.
Izak: How dare you disrespect me like that? You know you are to stutter at least twice in any sentence you utter in my presence!
At this time we have zoomed fully into the mansion, the room that Izak and Gregor are in particularly. It reveals a leather-clad pair, with Gregor on his hands and knees wearing bondage gear and a dog collar. Izak is dressed in furs and brandishing a cat-o-nine-tails whip. This uncomfortable situation is only augmented by the following exchange.
Gregor: S-s-sorry, s-s-sir. Wh-wh-what do you p-p-propose I do?
Izak: I MUST WIN! DO WHAT YOU MUST! Now come into my room, slave. I have other plans for you.
As they approach the room, the camera zooms in on the door, which slams shut, cutting abruptly to a high school locker of the same color. Travis walks away, his voice a whiny baritone.
Travis: Come on, guys, why not? I'll go to practice, I just want to go to the party afterward while my friends willingly do my homework and my girlfriend waits for me at her house!
The Team: Because we don't think it's a good idea. We have a game tomorrow.
Travis: My life is awful! You guys suck! I'm leaving!
Ever petulant, Travis storms off in the hall, with the team shaking their heads in unison. Travis' face is shown close up, with a tear streaming down his face.
Scene 2
Strobe lights blink on and off in an obnoxious and epilepsy-inducing manner.Loud pulsating music rattles the speakers as we see our hero, Travis, tying an armband around his arm and picking up a syringe. It is uncertain as to what he's doing, though it is assumed that he is near the breaking point in his stressful life and is simply shooting up heroin to take the edge off. This is accepted as normal.
Big Dumb Fuck: Hey, Travis, what're you doing? You're not shooting up heroin again, are you? We have a game tomorrow, remember?
Travis: What the hell are you doing here, Larry? Get off my back! All I'm doing is trying to make my life less bad.
An incredibly attractive young lady stands up from underneath the table at which Travis is currently shooting up. She kisses him on the cheek and he hands her what appears to be a martini. The act she was performing is indubitable. She walks away.
BDF: Come on, don't do this!
Travis: .........OK fine! [he disgustedly pulls the armband off his arm and throws it in the general direction of the camera. Its dark color covers the screen as a swoosh noise is heard]
It is the next morning, and the teams are taking their positions on the playing field. Maxwell is heard yelling, a frightening sound that reminds one of a crazed psychopathic killer.
James: 10,000 PUSH UPS NOW!
BDF: But coach, that's impossible! We have to start the game in five minutes!
James: Shut up, Jackson! Just for that, you get to do 500,000 push ups while fellating your teammates!
BDF: [muttered] Asshole...
James Maxwell pulls out a tazer gun and shoots the Big Dumb Fuck in the back. He convulses and falls onto the ground, eventually being carted off by a stretcher.
James: Now, team, let's rally together! We must stick together if we are to win! Huddle!
Travis: GO BEARS!
The Team: GO BEARS!!
A montage of shots from the game plays, showing the Bears getting crushingly defeated. At the end, the teams line up to shake hands. The teammates go through the motions without a problem, but when the coaches meet a battle of words begins. The coach is Izak Gregorovotchzky.
Izak: I guess you suck, yes, comrade?
James: How dare you, you Communist bastard! I swear by my misshapen genitals which are the cause of my insecurity and intense violence that I will lead my team through an intense period of adversity and eventually lead them to beat you in the conveniently matched up final game!
Izak: [smirking] We'll see, Mr. Maxwell, we'll see...
Scene 3
We find ourselves at a mall, with the camera panning over the many people from a birds-eye view. The camera cuts to a close-up of a black young man's face speaking. It is Joseph LaGrange. As his words are spoken, we see periodic shots of people eyeballing him with expressions ranging from vague curiosity to extreme anger to unrelated confusedness.
Joe: This guy sounds like a real dick, in my opinion. I don't understand why he's even coaching you guys if he's so violent and cruel. Isn't it, like, against the law to work you guys as hard as he does?
Travis: Yeah, it has to be. What a jerk. But we've got to win. He swore on his misshapen manhood!
A member of the team walks up to the two boys to say hello. He looks at Joe as if looking at a chav or other inferior being before speaking exclusively to Travis. It is clear from this that the movie is set in some bizarre portion of the Bible Belt where nobody speaks with a southern accent.
Douchebag: Hey, Travis, isn't the coach a real dick, in my opinion?
Travis: Shut up, douchebag! How could you say such a thing? God! Just go away. [Douchebag walks away, confused] You were saying?
Joe: I was just saying that I think the coach is a real dick, that's all. Why are people staring at us?
Travis: I don't know, but it sure is causing adversity in my life. Just yesterday someone threw a brick through my window with a note on it saying "Stop hanging out with that black kid, Joseph LaGrange." I have no idea what it meant, but it mentioned you. It's very strange.
Joe: Perhaps it has something to do with my being black? I got the same note left on my doorstep. I didn't know what to make of it, but I assumed it was just some uneducated prick telling me to tell myself to screw myself, colloquially. Good thing I didn't listen.
Travis: Hmmmm, intriguing concept.
The two continue walking down the mall, but the camera does not follow them. Instead, it tilts up, showing the second concourse, where Izak and Gregor are heard talking. They are zoomed in upon during the following dialog.
Izak: The colored child seems to be the weak link to the Travis child. We must exploit this.
Gregor: Y-y-yes s-s-sir. We must de-de-destroy the N-n-negro child.
Menacing music plays in the background as Izak delivers his barely audible set-up line.
Izak: Yes. Yes we must.
Scene 4
A cloudy, gloomy morning opens the scene. The Team gathers for practice. Coach Maxwell is screaming at them, as usual.
James: You disgusting pieces of vile vermin! Run around this entire football field in 45 seconds or you're doing it again!
Lazybones: But coach, that's hard!
James: YOU RUN IT IN THIRTY SECONDS, YOU LAZY PIECE OF GARBAGE!
The team departs on the obviously impossible run at full tilt, Travis' lazy gait leading him ahead of the others. As we watch his hair bob homosexually in the wind, the shot slows to a crawl. Through his head runs Joe's monologue. Echoing through the speakers is "Sounds like a real dick.....dick.....dick....." A half-fade to Joe staring at a wall while sitting in a desk is gratuitously included here, a crudely animated white bubble protruding from his skull. It says "Why must Travis' coach be a dick?" in it, also crudely drawn in. Abruptly, the scene cuts out to the coach yelling.
James: LAZY PIECE OF GARBAGE!
Lazybones: My name's Richard.
James: I DON'T CARE IF YOUR NAME IS DAVY CROCKETT! YOU RUN FASTER OR YOU DIE!
To prove his point, James pulls out the tazer that previously incapacitated the Big Dumb Fuck, brandishing it wildly. Everyone finishes too late, and he makes them run again. This goes on until they all fall to the ground, unable to move.
James: Good work, men. Now get up, we have to be off the field in ten minutes.
Close up of a random team member's eyes as they squeeze shut. They then open, quickly zooming out to reveal the team running out onto another field for what appears to be a big game. Scantily clad cheerleaders awaken the otherwise dormant viewer, as the teams rush out onto the field. The Bears huddle.
James: You are not to lose. You will be shot.
The Bears do not lose. They destroy the other team. A montage of shots from other games plays over Fifties swing rock. They win every game.
Scene 5
Here we once again find Joe staring sadly into space. He is in his room when an ear shattering smash is heard. His mother screams as he runs to the source.
Joe: What is it Ma?
Ma: It's another brick! Third time this week!
Joe: Let me see. What's the note say? [picks up note] "Joe: Come outside. From: Travis"
Joe looks out the window and sees Travis on the sidewalk. He is waving and smiling. Joe shakes his head as upbeat music begins to play. As he runs out the door, a parting shot of Joe's mother with an "aw, shucks" look is seen.
Travis: Hey, buddy! You wanna go engage in random and innocent debauchery with me in a lovable fashion?
Joe: Sure, Travis. Let's go!
They run off as a sweeping view of the perfectly aligned suburb fades into the darkened BDSM room originally shown at the beginning of the movie. A telephone is seen on the endtable next to Izak's chair. Izak whips Gregor.
Izak: Retrieve for me the phone!
Gregor hands him the phone, and dials a number.
Izak: Hello, police? Yes, I'm calling to reportan
His report is drowned out by menacing music, indicating malicious intent. He hangs up, laughing an evil that, in a startling turn of originality, develops into a hacking cough. The screen goes dark.
Scene 6
The same scene as the first practice is once again presented. James is smacking boys on the head with dead trout when two police officers approach him.
Officer 1: Mr. Maxwell?
James: WHAT?! [hits police officer with trout]
Officer 2: We've received reports of child abuse from an anonymous tipster. We believe we may have found some preliminary evidence to back that up, so we are forced to arrest you.
Officer 2 handcuffs Maxwell as Officer 1 reads him the dumbed down Miranda Rights ubiquitous to film. The team does nothing, as they are all on the ground and unable to move. As they walk away, Maxwell screaming inaudible pejoratives at the top of his lungs, Izak approaches the incapacitated team.
Izak: [leaning over a team member] Poor things, the lot of you. Too bad your coach isn't here to lead you all to victory in the final game, which he so accurately predicted would be against my team.
Poor Bastard: You ass!
The reason this team member is referred to as "Poor Bastard" now becomes abundantly clear as Izak steps on his chest amid his pained howling. Eventually he stops and leans over Travis.
Izak: So, Mr. I'm-so-important-because-I'm-a-quarterback, what do you say to me?
Travis wisely holds his tongue, which leads Izak to smile unpleasantly. His teeth are yellowed and fire is literally shown in his pupils.
Izak: I will see you fools in the final.
Scene 7
We are in the locker room. Everyone seems to be relishing in the fact that the coach isn't there to give them their ritualistic pre-game pummeling. Travis spontaneously steps onto the bench.
Travis: I know you guys are all upset about Coach's arrest and swift conviction, but don't despair! I hear even in maximum security prisons they allow the inmates to watch television! And, by gum, we should give him a show! We'll beat that-what is he again, Russian?-that Russian for COACH!! LET'S GET TOGETHER!
By this time the string-arrangement sappy music is overshadowing the cheesy dialogue with its volume. The team huddles up and says FOR COACH! before running out enthusiastically onto the field. The first play is shown.
Travis: Boomshot, Red 2734893.34837, Thor, HIKE!
An action-packed play is enacted, with ample slow-motion and crowd shots disguising the fact that the play lasts only about 5 seconds. The ball is caught and a first down achieved.
Announcer: As all you football fans out there probably don't know, 10 yards means that the offensive team (that's the one with the ball) gets a first down! Now they get four more chances to make another before they either give up the ball or score!
This mind-bogglingly simple monologue (which is, contrary to popular belief, not to be delivered by John Madden) is heard as if through tinny speakers. The camera zooms out to reveal a maximum security prison. There are dead bodies strewn about the floor as Coach Maxwell pumps his handcuffed fist.
James: Yes!
The game plays out in yet another montage. It appears from Maxwell's occasional expression that they are winning. "The Final Countdown's" instantly recognizable keyboard riff is heard as the final play is made. As it climaxes, Maxwell is shown jumping up and mouthing "YES!!!!!" (in slow motion again). The camera freezes as two guards tackle him, and the credits roll over "Carry On Wayward Son."
Credits
During the credits, when it comes time to acknowledge the actors, a still frame of their most memorable moment comes on with a "where are they now" text. It starts with a picture of Travis, tear running down his cheek.
Travis currently works as a con artist, conjuring up his easily manipulatable emotions to get money out of sappy old people. His current residency is in Florida, though he has been known to relocate at nary a moment's notice.
Joe, staring at a wall.
Joe is currently a Burger King clerk who doubles as a five-cent philosopher. He is married, but has no children due to his penchant for pondering the adverse effects of childbirth in the grand scheme of things during coitus.
Coach Maxwell, in a straitjacket.
James Maxwell designed the escape-proof straitjacket, which uses electric shock and metal to secure the insane patient. He is currently incarcerated in solitary confinement for the multiple claims of death from this sadistic object.
The Team, existing.
The Team is currently somewhere, doing something unimportant, with nobody caring about their future.
Izak and Gregor, in BDSM gear. Izak appears to be licking a picture of Joseph LaGrange, explaining the enormous plot hole between Scenes 4 & 7.
Izak and Gregor are also incarcerated, Izak for tax evasion and Gregor for staging a one-man riot outside the prison for his release.
The credits now continue as usual, except the "Animal House" theme is played in lieu of "Carry On Wayward Son" for approximately five seconds. Nobody understands why.
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