UnScripts:Diary of A Cyber Sex N00b

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The following is an excerpt from a Cyber Queer looking for sex. It has been written by Spatz as a play. It is not about himself, but another person coincidentally named spatz. I will continue working on this play for a long time. (Curtains open, lonely fat man sitting at a computer, lights dim...)

  • Spatzdaclinja:Hey Rofl
  • Vagspykes29:Im horny
  • Spatzdaclinja: me 2 ROFL
  • Vagspykes29:I want you so bad baby
  • Spatzdaclinja:Wanna Cy3er lol?
  • Vagspykes29:Sure lol
  • Spatzdaclinja:I take my pants and shirt off
  • Vagspykes29:That's turning me on..
  • Spatzdaclinja: And I equip my +3 wizard robe with the amulet of the succubus.
  • Vagspykes29:???
  • Spatzdaclinja: I cast lubrication of the gecko, and meditate to regain 8 manna
  • Vagspykes29: You suck at cybering


  • Spatzdaclinja: I then cast cock of the giants, for 5 damage to your butt hole.
  • Vagspykes29: Fuk dis, I'm outta here
  • Spatzdaclinja:BITCH I’m the greatest Wizard that's ever lived! Don't fuck with me!!!
  • Vagspykes29:Im outta here
  • Spatzdaclinja: I then cast anal extension, giving you an asshole the size of the Grand Canyon.
  • Vagspykes29:(Has Signed Off Yet Been Turned On}

Entry one[edit]

  • Try as I might,
  • I'm still a n003
  • I am perplexed,
  • and out of lube,
  • I end this night,
  • No love again,
  • But I shall fight,
  • Do what I can,
  • Go now shall I,
  • To play Wow,
  • My sagging torso,
  • Fat as a cow,
  • Oh rhyme of mine,
  • Please End my sorrow,
  • Perhaps I shall cyber,
  • On the morrow...
  • (Curtains Close, after short break, act two begins)
  • Spatzdaclinja: Hey, my name's Jeff, want to cyber?
  • Do-me23: Sure loll
  • Do-Me23: I'll start out. I am 23 years old, toned and perfect, size C tities, and I’m 5,9. I am a size 5. You?
  • Spatzdaclinja:I am 5 foot 2, wearing some jeans I brought from K mart. I am 260 pounds, and have a soda stain on my shirt. I am *big and red with a Steelers cap on, and glasses the size of a computer monitor.
  • Do-Me23:Interesting.... Well I have seen worse. I am taking my clothes off, with only my panties and bra on.
  • Spatzdaclinja: I am looking at your boobies, wow they're neat!
  • Do-Me23: Take of my bra, now
  • Spatzdaclinja: I can't...I, I think it's stuck
  • Do-Me23:Here, let me help you, there.... got it
  • Spatzdaclinja: yayyy
  • Do-Me23: Take Of my panties...
  • Spatzdaclinja:Ahhhhhh!!
  • Do-me23:?
  • Spatzdaclinja:I'm choking...on a vag hair..chkkulll(face turns red)
  • Spatzdaclinja:I need a drink of water!!! (runs into bathroom),(drinks from sink)
  • Spatzdaclinja:Ahh..., that's better, all that excitement, I got to pee-pee
  • Do-me23: Um......Okay.
  • Spatzdaclinja:Ahh...
  • Spatzdaclinja:Uh-oh
  • Do-me23:?
  • Spatzdaclinja: I think I peed in your cabinets...
  • Do-Me23:.... there is a towel next to the candle, wipe it up...
  • Spatzdaclinja: Ok, I'll just get it and......AHHHHHH!!!
  • Do-me23: Oh God, what now...
  • Do-me23: Never mind, Just HURRY!!! Do it quick.
  • Spatzdaclinja:Ok, I’m getting ready to put my.....yaw know...man thingy into you’re...woman thingy...
  • Spatzdaclinja: I can't get it up
  • Do-me23: WHAT!?!?!
  • Spatzdaclinja:I forgot to take my viagra, the sight of my floppy wee wee is so disgusting...(I throw up all over your dress)
  • Do-Me23: YOU JERK
  • Spatzdaclinja: Wait!!!, I need to show you my Archie impersonation!!!!
  • Do-me23:(Has Signed off)
  • (After a number of audience members look pissed, open curtains and begin act 3)

Entry Two[edit]

  • January came, as I remember
  • Doused my minds, burning embers
  • Unto the earth, mountains quake
  • Creamy, fuggy, chocolate cake
  • The Mexicans cried "Fiesta, Fiesta!"
  • Those Mexicans made, such a mess-a

Tomorrow, I shall try a more forwards, aggressive approach.

  • Spatzdaclinja:Hey
  • Ilikefelatilolo:Hey
  • Spatzdaclinja:Wanna cyber with my 3-inch penis?
  • Ilikefelatiololo: That is not that big.
  • Spatzdaclinja:you won't be saying that when it infiltrates your poop tube and rips apart your colon!!!
  • Ilikefelatiololo:EWWW!
  • Spatzdaclinja: Please, just give me one chance...
  • Ilikefelatiololo:Fine
  • Spatzdaclinja: Here goes...I caress your tender bottom......
  • Ilikefelatiololo:(Moan)
  • Spatzdaclinja:Then, all of a sudden I yell loudly, pull apart your arse cheeks, burry my face in the dingle berry infested hair mass, and breathe deeply through my nostrils.
  • Ilikefelatiololo: (Blocked you)

Act three[edit]

  • Cyber-sex,
  • A cruel mistress is she,
  • For people don't reject you,
  • for what they see,
  • But what they find
  • The sly raccoon inside your mind
  • They stare along, feet trudging down
  • Tired of their solid ground
  • Their brains devout,
  • Wait, what the hell am I talking about????

(After most audience members have left except that guy in the wheelchair, conclude with next scene)

  • SpatzDaclinja:Hey
  • Englishmuffin:Hey
  • SpatzDaclinja:How are you doing?
  • Englishmuffin:Good, I am feeling horny, wanna cyber?
  • SpatzDaclinja:Hold on, I'm Watching the Jefferson’s
  • Englishmuffin:?
  • SpatzDaclinja:You've never heard of the Jefferson’s?
  • Englishmuffin:Whatever, I am impatient, so let's get started
  • Englsihmuffin:Wtf?
  • English Muffin:Ok....you alright.
  • Spatzdaclinja: Yea, lets get started.
  • Spatzdaclinja: (Unzips zipper)
  • Englishmuffin: Ok, now lets...
  • Spatzdaclinja:AHHHHHHH
  • Englishmuffin:?
  • Spatzdaclinja:Its stuck....oh god....blood everywhere.....call an ambulance...I think it fell off
  • English muffin: (Has signed off.)

(Once everybody is gone, start the rest of the play)

  • (It's a sunny day in mid may, all the children out to play, the youngings on the porch just got back form school, Spatz went on down and acted a fool.)

(Enter Spatz) (Mom is in the kitchen, making the cookies shaped like pumpkins)

  • Spatz:Mom it's over, I'm finished, through!
  • Mom: Son, what the hells a matter with you? Whining and bitching, night and day, the family begins to think you are gay. On your computer, touching yourself, Oh, and grab the oregano, it's over there on the shelf.
  • SpatzNo, Mom, you don't understand! I am not like just any other man, Oh, I'm going to sob..
  • Mom: YOU GET A JOB! Your thirty three, nowhere to go, In the basement, playing Star Trek and legos.
  • Spatz: I am trying, can't you see? There is no man as dedicated as me? Do you agree?
  • Mom:Can't say that I do. Prostitutes won't even fuck you.
  • Spatz: Oh, mummy, what can I do…
  • Mom Go upstairs and masturbate till your balls turn blue, that's what you usually do. Or write in your diary like a little bitch, if losers made money, God you'd be rich...
  • (Exit Spatz and Mom) (Curtains Close)
  • I have not introduced myself properly,(Clears Throat)
  • Hello reader, sorry to be rude,
  • Embark on the journey, of a Cyber-sex n00b.
  • Tis a story bout a man named Spatz,
  • All day, on a computer chair his ass did sat,
  • But on the morrow, he shall find something new,
  • Uncyclopedia shall make this mans lie true.

(It is three A.M, Spatz is up and masturbating again)

  • Spatz: What can I do, what can work. I've tried everything, oh how it hurts. For I cannot Cyber,

I fool I am, when I masturbate, I use two hands. I'll click a link, I’m bored, so I will go on wikipedia, and look up Sink. What's this? A new website? Something to occupy my time on this timeless night?

  • Sophia: Yes indeed, it is your savior, Uncyclopedia, let's go Lakers!
  • Spatz:Who are you? What is this? A village dump? A review of piss?
  • Sophia: Yes indeed, this godly media, this is the world....of Uncyclopedia...

(From the sheer excitement of hearing Sophia, Spatz faints)

  • This man shall embark upon a quest,
  • Tomorrow lies a simple test,
  • To overcome the urge of being a noob
  • The spirit is slimy and squishy like lube....

(Spatz is awake, with the uncyclopedia's main page still up, he wants to try Cybering, before his usual trip to pizza hut.)

  • SpatzDaclinja: Hey
  • Latina34:Hey, I like animal fantasies, I want you to fuck me as one.
  • SpatzDaclinja:Ok.... But what animal should I be?
  • Latina34:You choose.
  • SpatzDaclinja: Ok, I'm a platypus
  • Latina34:You can't be serious
  • SpatzDaclinja:You caress my duck like beaverish body, I let out a slow quaaaaaccckkk and the pleasure runs up and down my tail.
  • Latina34:......
  • Spatzdaclinja:I take my tail and caress your boobies as I lay my eggs in your naval
  • Spatzdaclinja: Now I turn around....oooooo yea I start fucking a bagel
  • Latina34:Are you a freak or something?
  • Spatzdaclinja: OG GOD! This bagel likes it up the back, I'm going to blow my load all in the bagel!!OH GOD!! OH GODDDDDD!!
  • Latina34:(Singed off)
  • Spatz:Damnit, I have failed again, so much for my master plan.
  • Sophia:What is the point of doing a bagel, when it is not able...To return love, to spread my cream all over it's buns, not like a woman can, not like a cyber web cam....(Note, im still thinking on and ending, any ideas if you are reading this?)