UnNews:Venezuelan economic wizardry

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Straight talk, from straight faces UnNews Wednesday, December 1, 2021, 05:42:59 (UTC)

Venezuelan economic wizardry UnNews Logo Potato.png

13 November 2021

Vice-Presidente Rodriguez announcing new recycling plan.

Caracas, Venezuela -- President Nicolas Maduro has announced yet another brilliant plan for the continued economic success of Venezuela. President Maduro is here in the virtual studio (give us a break, we can't afford to fly correspondents around the world even if they'd let us), to tell us about this masterstroke of financial management.

Nicolas Maduro (NM): "Buenos Dias, comrade. You talk to Delcy Rodriguez, okay?"

Delcy Rodriguez (DR): "Hello, I am the Vice-President, Head of the Bolivarian Intelligence Service and any other government positions that catch my eye. How are you?"

UnNews: "Just fine, Senora Rodriguez. Can you give us the story on President Maduro's latest plan to revive the Venezuelan economy?"

DR: "Of course. I am also the Minister of Finance. Presidente Maduro proudly announced yesterday that Venezuela has once again surpassed all of the countries in Latin America by having an inflation rate of 1946%. No other country has even come close. Even big, showy Argentina can't even crack 100%. Those running dogs in Colombia can't even make 5%. Ha!"

UnNews: "Isn't hyperinflation considered a bad thing? What about the people of Venezuela who have to buy things?"

DR: "We have solved that problem. Every time the bolivar gets to half its value, we print twice as many bolivars. Simple arithmetic. Others have tried, but they cannot match the speed of the Venezuelan Mint."

UnNews: "This hasn't been regarded as a long term solution. Zimbabwe tried it but they gave up when they ran out of space for all the zeros on the money."

DR: "Ha! In Venezuela we don't just give up. Look at all the trouble about the last election. Did we give up? No! Just like comrade Lukashenko with the nice moustache, you call the secret police when the people try to make trouble. Not like that wimp Donald Trump. He couldn't even organize a decent military coup. He spent all his time installing judges. We know you have to install generals, not judges."

UnNews: "There have been a lot of stories about people just throwing away money because they can't buy anything with it."

DR: "A terrible insult to President Maduro and Venezuela. But we have devised a plan to halt this public outrage. President Maduro has decreed that from now on, all bills below a certain denomination have to be used as toilet paper. This solves the sticky problem.of a shortage of toilet paper as it is now worth more than money."

UnNews: "It will be interesting to see how well it works. Listen! There's a salsa band playing outside."

Maduro.... Maduro.... Maduro he print the money and ruin Venezuela.

DR: "Hello, Secret Service, arrest those people outside. You see, people making trouble all the time. We will inform you when another Venezuelan economic miracle occurs. Now vamoose!"


Category:South America