UnNews:United States declares War on Fun
|A newsstand that's brimming with issues||✪||UnNews||✪||Wednesday, December 1, 2021, 01:28:UTC)(|
|United States declares War on Fun|
2 October 2021
WASHINTON, D.C., United States -- Breaking news! With the United States having briefly found itself in the uncomfortable position of being without a war, today President Joe Biden has announced a War on Fun.
"We have discovered that there are clowns that are harbouring jokes of mass destruction. We will do again what we did to Terror during our twenty-year campaign against it, massacring men, women and children through our occupation of the Middle East in the process."
Biden was then asked what the strategy would be to defeat this new, elusive foe.
"Uh, was that not clear? The same thing. We're America. We attack the Middle East."
"The war in Afghanistan gave us the opportunity to siphon billions upon billions of funds into private interests who profiteered from the conflict. Do you see any heads rolling? Any changes of staff? Any change whatsoever? Of course not."
"These enemies of ours cannot be allowed joke-making material..."
"Nukes are made from uranium. Uranium is produced by nuclear fusion. Nuclear fusion is made in nuclear facilities. Nuclear facilities are staffed by people who have homes. So if we blow up all the homes? Bingo. No more nukes."
"Now take jokes. Jokes are made from unique perspectives. Unique perspectives are made from experiences. Experiences are a function of memory. Memory is a card game. Playing cards are made from paper from trees. So if we destroy the natural environment? Bingo. No more jokes. Oh, and also, the homes."
"We've already lined up a number of private contractors for this mission and prepared our press releases for twenty years from now when we announce our defeat."
- Adam Nositart "No, We Didn't Lose The War, We Just Retreated And Resigned Having Failed All Of Our Military Objectives And How Dare Anyone Call That Losing". The New York Times, August 30, 2021