UnNews:Traffic chaos in London blamed on dancing orphans

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We have met the enemy, and he is us ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 11:45:59 (UTC)
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10 February 2009

We ain't dun nuffink.

London, England. Peak hour traffic yesterday was brought to a standstill, with tens of thousands experiencing delays of up to two hours, as parts of east London were overrun with singing, dancing orphans. The orphans - a dirty, ragged bunch, dressed in nineteenth century clothing - blocked several major traffic arteries with their high-spirited choreography.

Police, armed with riot gear and tear-gas, attempted to clear away the orphans, but the situation was complicated by the sudden appearance of roving gangs of tap-dancing chimney-sweeps singing songs in an incomprehensible pseudo-Cockney patois. Also joining the fray were an assortment of washerwomen, flower-girls, fishwives, toshers, scrimshavers, cracksmen and gammy Haymarket Hectors.

"This sort of thing is really quite unacceptable. We thought we had put these sorts of ludicrous English stereotypes behind us," said the Mayor of London Boris Johnson, taking a break from a cricket match to talk to reporters. "When I hear about this sort of bally tommyrot, I really need a cup of tea and a watercress sandwich to calm my nerves."

Johnson was asked what steps he would take to prevent a recurrence of today's events, but he was brutally disemboweled by Jack the Ripper before he could respond. The Ripper was sighted making a getaway on a big red bus, and was last seen heading towards the music hall.

Many Londoners have expressed their anger at the traffic problem. "This is most unseemly," said Mrs. Twidgett, a prim nanny. "These raggamuffins and ne'er-do-wells would surely drive me to drink, had I not a half pint of gin under my belt already."

Prime Minister Gordon Brown was unavailable for comment, as he was at home in Scotland, drinking whiskey and counting his money to the sounds of bagpipes.

Sources[edit]

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