UnNews:Standardized tests banned by U.S. Supreme Court
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Thursday, November 21, 2024, 14:46:59 (UTC) |
| Standardized tests banned by U.S. Supreme Court | 
|
16 October 2006
Washington D.C., North America -- After many years of a stalemate between Standardized Test haters and the goverment, the Supreme Court has reached a verdict today. Contrary to many people's beliefs on how the ruling would affect the tests, the Supreme Court ruled 21 - 0 that all Standarized Tests are unusable and need to be rewritten.
The Supreme Court ruled that these tests promote segregation and "cliques" with some of their questions. For example:
Which of the following does not belong?
A. Red B. Blue C. Flava D. Green
Which of the following comes next in this similar pair?
1, 2, 3, 4...
A. 5 B. 6 C. 3 D. 4
The ruling claims that these questions promote having to "be like the crowd to fit in." If you are not like everyone else, you don't belong.
All tests from now on must promote uniqueness, as the new guidelines say. "All tests must reinforce being different, your own person you might say," says one person who attended the hearing. Some examples provided by the Supreme Court for revised test questions are as follows:
"Which of the following numbers does not follow a specific pattern like the others, but is still equal in ability in all skills and social abilities (because it is different does not make it wrong please remember)?"
"Which item is not the same type as the others but still equal in voice, power, and chance to be a valuable part of society (of course, the item is still a meaningful item, it just not have the same features of other items. The item is still of course promoted, endorsed, and given a chance to suceed)?"
In a Harvard study, they found that 98% of people taking these tests had the exact same answers. They figure this is because of either the tests promoting being the same or that the kids in the study took the test without adult supervision (which means probably they all leaned over and looked at each other's papers).
A source that would not like to be revealed, whose name is Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream, says, "Man, I jes keepin it rill, nome sain? I ain' never took none 'dese jive-ass tests. But I'm tellin you it don't mean shit. I is just like everybody else... smart, gooood at here talking, and other shit I can't remember."
Many companies that produce such tests are now frustrated, an unidentified source claims. Many of them say it will take at least 12 years to write a new test following the new guidelines. By the time the tests are ready to be used again, most kids who are in school now will already have graduated from school and somehow will be accepted into colleges even though they have taken no test to prove their abilities. This is expected to cause a massive build-up in acceptions to college, since there is nothing to base it on. Once the new tests are out, some 300,000 students may be accepted into one college all as Freshmen. This will probably cause a major problem in Football try-outs.
In related other news, the Supreme Court will see to it soon if answers on these tests are wrong. "Just because something (or in this case someone's answer) is different than something else, does not make it wrong," says a lead prosecutor in the case against these tests. How this person talks in partenthesis is still being investigated.