UnNews:Shady people become your friends
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Tuesday, April 23, 2024, 06:33:59 (UTC) |
| Shady people become your friends | 
|
27 April 2012
Datacenter, Utah -- Your new friends, showing their devotion to your life's work, have taken the unusual step of monitoring all of your electronic communications and sharing everything about you with their untouchable private social network. Bypassing the usual methods of becoming friends on the internet such as friend requests and email correspondance, your new friends simply legislated their way into what you've been up to all this time.
"We are very pleased to finally be friends with YOUR_NAME_HERE." rattled off an old impact printer into a trashbin in Utah, "Please do not be alarmed and please continue to do all the amazing things that we just can't get enough of. In particular, we really like that thing you do in front of your webcam for PRIMARY_SUSPECT_X.".
Although you have made an effort to stay in touch by leaving flowers in front of the building with a card explaining that you prefer to meet your friends at some point, the massive database is not returning phone calls or texts, isn't available to go out this Friday or anytime this weekend and has tonnes of work to do next week.
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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent. |