UnNews:Santa Claus Executed in Baghdad

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Straight talk, from straight faces

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UnNews

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Sunday, December 22, 2024, 05:54:59 (UTC)

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30 December 2006

Baghdad, Iraq -- The notorious cat burglar popularly known as 'Santa Claus' (Christened Christopher C. Cringle), responsible for a string of crimes dating from 1979 - 2003, was executed today after being found guilty of over 100 million accounts of breaking and entering in properties across the United States and Europe, as well as some lesser charges of verbal assault and genocide in some Eastern provinces.

Mr. Claus, 69, was eventually apprehended after a string of sloppy jobs led to his identification. It appears that 'Santa' - stuck in his old ways - had not taken into account the rapid decline in children's bedtimes: the police were alerted by calls from numerous children who witnessed a large bearded man stealing food - mostly mince pies.

"Another downfall was that he kept targeting the same properties" explains Detective Dubya, the man in charge of hauling 'Santa' in. "He would often leave a year between each robbery so as not to arouse suspicion, but we got him in the end. That'll teach him for leaving coal in my stocking."

While he put up some resistance at having his wooly hat removed, Mr. Claus was otherwise cooperative. His last words are reputed to have been, "I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddlin' kids!"