UnNews:Russian media challenges the UK to a Nuke-off

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Straight talk, from straight faces ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 12:29:59 (UTC)
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3 May 2022

Could Great Britian become the new Lost City of Atlantas?

MOSCOW, Russia -- Dmitry Kiselyov of Russian state media has challenged England to a game of radioactive water polo.

Kiselyov has kindly asked President Putin to wipe the UK off the map by using the most powerful nuclear weapon at his disposal. On Sunday night, he once again called for attacks on British soil sea with a Poseidon underwater drone that he said would trigger a 1,600ft radioactive tidal wave and "plunge Britain to the depths of the ocean so that they become neighbours to the Lost City of Atlantis".

As the Ukraine invasion is still pending a victor, with the rest of the world placing bets on the outcome, the United Nations may finally involve themselves after this threat to everybody's favourite yellow-teethed, tea-drinking, blimey-speaking mates.

“Nuking Britain’s coastline will cause a gigantic tsunami, turning whatever is left into a radioactive wasteland...or sealand, more accurately,” Kiselyov stated. Perhaps those in charge at Sea World may see this as an opportunity to expand; adding a Posh enclosure next to the penguins and a Cockney cage near the dolphins.

If Russia goes through with the attack, this may result in the largest match of water sports since that fat kid from Zoom jumped into the pool.

Deceased funnyman Gilbert Gottfried has agreed to do a private stand-up routine if Russia does in fact sink Britain.

"I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say; There'll be another one floating by any minute now!"

"My doctor advised me to stay healthy. I need 50 million gallons of water a day."

"My new book was just released in the UK. It's making quite a splash."

"England called me. They said; maybe these jokes are a hit elsewhere, but over here, they're all sinking!"

"England is really advanced. They don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them!"

Sources[edit]

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