UnNews:Philadelphia Police Office shot, eaten.
| We distort, you deride | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Sunday, December 22, 2024, 05:47:59 (UTC) |
| Philadelphia Police Office shot, eaten. | 
|
14 February 2009
Whilst responding to an emergency call late last night, Officer John Pawlowski died after being shot and then eaten shortly after.
The police officer was responding to fight which had broken out in the city after a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors had gotten out of hand. "From what we can tell the gunman refused to accept that paper beat rock and promptly slapped the other gentleman," Police Commisioner Charles Ramsey told the press, "It was then that he apparently suggested that they should play an alternative version of the game and took out his pistol". After the other man started yelling for police several witnesses phoned 911 but none of them got through immediately because there was only one person on call that day and the calls blocked each other out.
Eventually the call got through and Officer Pawlowski was sent out to resolve the dispute. Upon arriving he jumped out of his car, took out his handgun and pointed at the gunman yelling "Pew! Pew! Pew!". The gunman, uneffected by the bullets due to their non-existance, then returned fire, shooting the officer multiple times. "It was some crazy shit," one witness said, "Maybe if he had had a real gun he would still be alive." Several other police officers appeared out of nowhere and shot the gunman with real bullets causing him to fall over.
It was during the ensuing chaos that Officer Pawlowski's body disappeared, believed to have been taken to hospital by an ambulance which had also, conveniently, appeared at the scene. It was only an hour later when the officers discovered the body of Officer Palowski hidden behind a skip and covered in bite marks, with a leg missing, that they realised it was in fact the gunman who had been carted off to hospital.
As well as the gunman's pistol, a .357 Magnum, a handwritten guide to Rock, Paper, Scissors was found at the scene of the crime.
Pawlowski's father, a retired officer, has offered an undisclosed reward for the safe return of his son's leg.
Sources[edit]
- msnbc "Philadelphia police officer shot, killed". Associated Press, February 14, 2009