UnNews:PG&E behind new law that serves up roadkill

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22 October 2019

Wild bears could find themselves becoming a "pick-a-nick."

EXCREMENTO, California -- A new California law allowing drivers to eat their own roadkill was backed by wildfire provider Pacific Gas & Electric.

Gov. Gavin Newsom signed Senate Bill 395 into law on October 13. Sen. Bob Archuleta sponsored it to eliminate both wasted food and shockingly slender Californians. Before the law, the estimated 20,000 deer struck by cars could not be taken home and barbecued. In addition, the driver could be charged with a violation for hunting from a car. Sen. Archuleta said his bill would allow that meat to feed "those in need," such as drivers of an SUV or Hummer able to ram a deer and live to tell.

"We're gonna have trout tonight, honey!"

The new law gives the Department of Fish and Wildlife until 2022 to develop a permitting process for roadkill take-out. The Department has stated that it will develop an app for drivers who unintentionally strike a deer, elk, antelope, or a wild methhead. Drivers will state where and how the animal was killed. They will then be allowed to take the animal home and wait for the state to come for their guns. Having taken care of Wildlife, Fish and Wildlife did not state what its procedure would be when a driver unintentionally strikes a fish (pictured at left).

It now appears that Pacific Gas & Electric (or just PG&E if you're lazy) lobbied heavily for the new law. PG&E's power lines were blamed for the Campfire Fire last year, which blackened 153,000 acres in Northern California, and decimated the town of Paradise, resulting in it being renamed End Time. PG&E's recent warning to 170,000 customers that it could cut power, out of fear that it would otherwise torch the prairie again, has not been popular. One rustled jimmy, Jimmy Russel, didn't seem pleased by PG&E's actions, stating "I would love to take the meat home, but I still have no power to keep it refrigerated!" Consequently, the company joined with Sen. Archuleta on his legislation, concluding that grilling roadkill would be a pleasant use of wildfires set by the negligence of the bankrupt electric company.

PG&E vice president Su Meat Singe said, "Char-broiling struck wildlife over an open fire in the great outdoors will remind Californians of their roots, the pioneers that braved the Oregon Trail, who had to hunt for food, sometimes needing to resort to eating a raccoon or squirrel mutilated by being struck by an 1868 Ford Conestoga going 90 in a 65."

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