UnNews:Oz in mourning over UN Rudd snub
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| Oz in mourning over UN Rudd snub | 
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29 July 2016
New York, New York -- Australia has been toadally gobsmacked over the refusal of the UN to set Our Kev up as its High Panjandrum. Kev, who was given very short odds indeed against a bunch of pinko women and a couple of mega-suave former prime ministers, has apparently failed to impress the tight-lipped folk on the Security Council. This was not helped at all by the relaxed attitude taken by the Australian Government who told Kev that they were still shuffling through the 14,623 pages of his CV and could they pencil it in for 2026? Average Aussies were just as saddened as the government.
"I guess you can't expect to win 'em all", remarked Trevor Whatsnook when asked for his opinion at the Duke of Mulberry pub, "We had our little hopes that he could bugger off to New York and swan about with the rich and famous, but it looks like we'll have to put up with him back in Oz for now."
Marc Skimmore, chief economist with the Whooper Super Fund, was more concerned with the economic consequences. "While Prime Minister, Mr. Rudd managed to spend lots of money, raise the expectations of the electorate and set the economy on a gradual descent that has lasted to this day. Now if he could do that to the UN, I would guess that within 20 years, we wouldn't have to worry about it anymore, as it would be bankrupt. Brexit would be the test run for UNexit, and once all of the functioning economies had shot through, there wouldn't be much in for the rest of the world."
"I voted for him", bemoaned Reg Feltline, "and I would again. Why if I had a vote in it, I might well have pushed him over the line and we'd finally have a Secretary General with a real purpose in life. I would have voted for Julia Gillard, too, and I reckon that if we had gotten both of them in, they could have swapped the job back and forth for ages, as they don't have to worry about getting re-elected."
Mr. Rudd has taken the blow philosophically, in his typical manner.
"It was no more than I expected of the congregation of morons who have been responsible for the continuing underperformance, nigh onto failure, of the world's most aspirational organisation. Intelligence and culture are as rare in those halls of mediocrity as appreciation of a great leader is in my home country. Besides, Kevin16 is nowhere near as mellifluous as Kevin07."
Mr. Rudd is understood to have set his sights on the Presidency of the European Union, but is having some difficulty convincing the EU that the prerequisite of citizenship of a member country is of no importance.
Sources[edit]
- STACEY KIRK "'Mate, you're dreaming': Kevin Rudd's UN hopes dashed, but what does it mean for Helen Clark?". Stuff, July 29, 2016