UnNews:North Korea threatens nuclear war, waits for missile glue to set

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8 March 2013

The glorious people's missile, as it will look once two or three minor details are shored up

PYONGYANG, North Korea -- The Democratic People's Republic of Korea announced today that they are totally up for a nuclear first strike on the United States just as soon as the missile glue dries and the the power comes back on at the People's Nuclear Command Center.

"The DPRK is ready to turn both Washington and Seoul into scenic ponds filled of fire," said an unspecified government spokesman, who lives in an unheated tenement. "This provocation and warmongering can go on no longer." At that point the television feed cut out.

American satellite photographs show recent activity at a suspected bomb construction facility, including a plutonium transport caravan of lead-shielded goats and at least one functioning truck. The underground facility where the construction is going on is believed to have at least some running water and twice-weekly mail delivery.

"We will rain death from above," said the government spokesman when the television came back on just now. "The world will feel the might of the people's nuclear missile, which is almost ready." Then the feed cut out again.

North Korea has largely operated in isolation since the Korean War ended with an armistice in 1953 when M*A*S*H concluded. Its greatest ally has been China, although even the Chinese are beginning to wonder how much more of this shit they want to put up with.

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