UnNews:Man kills neighbor's dog and takes a shit in its skull, is not raptured

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Friday, June 9, 2023, 17:45:59 (UTC)

Man kills neighbor's dog and takes a shit in its skull, is not raptured UnNews Logo Potato.png

21 May 2011

Barnabus and his own dog Checkers, which he had not shat on for over four years.

ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA -- Harold Barnabus was just your typical frustrated repressed depressed fucked up doped up alcoholic addicted anxious gambling cheating loathing suburban dad, until he started to get tired of the daily grind. He planned on killing himself unceremoniously, as any chain smoking bipolar caffeine-addled suburban dad would do, until he heard that there was a Rapture coming.

Barnabus, who had once tried religion as a cure to his existential woes with little success, was overjoyed to discover that the end of the world was coming. He bode his time carefully, making sure that his family didn't know about his Rapture plans. No one suspected that the annoyed haggard disgruntled moist suburban father was up to no good until he was discovered taking a shit in his neighbor's dog's skull.

The dog, a formerly yippy piece of shit poodle, was the bane of Harold for the last ten years. Being a fleshy weak-willed overworked and underpaid suburban dad didn't open up many interesting options for arch-nemeses, so the poodle was the best he got. But a valiant arch-nemesis the dog proved: Harold chased him around for two hours, unable to get a solid grasp, and nearly missed the Rapture itself. Luckily, he finally managed to seize the dog, break its neck, rip its head off, and take a shit inside of its exposed skull.

Unluckily, nobody was Raptured. The dog's yipping and Harold's reckless howling woke up all of the neighbors, who were at first disappointed that they hadn't been Raptured either. The owner of the dog, however, had been Raptured immediately, and could only shout invectives at Harold as he smoothly glided upwards toward Heaven. In the confusion that followed, the police determined that Harold could not be charged for the dog's death, since he claimed he only murdered a stray and the owner was nowhere to be found by the time they arrived. Since murdering stray dogs is not only legal but commonplace in Minnesota, Harold got off scot-free.

"Killing that dog should have given Harold a 'Go to Heaven for Free' card," said the chief investigator, "that dog was the spawn of Satan itself."

However, he still had to clean up his shit. He has been cited as calling this "the worst part about not being Raptured."


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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.