UnNews:Man explains why the world won't end on December 21st

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-minute misinformation.

No photo was taken of Wilderson due to the reporter's sheer amazement of Wilderson's charisma despite the fact that people of his cliché can be quite ignorant. For an image, just imagine a 58-year-old man with a tattoo on his right and smokes cigars and drinks bourbon. (Using your imagination, that's something that people 200 years ago did when they read the news.)

15 DECEMBER 2012

San Francisco, California

Many people, most of whom are dumbass superstitious bitches anyway, believe that the world will end on December 21, 2012, but one man has irrefutable facts pointing at how it won't end, due to the facts that surround it.

Johnny Wilderson, 58, is one of the few living men in San Fran who is openly heterosexual, but more importantly, he has come up with an elaborate list of reasons why the world won't end on December 21st.

Wilderson welcomes our UnNews correspondent into his house by offering the correspondent bourbon and one of his cigars, although the correspondent had to turn it down for legal reason. He then showed off the impressive tattoo in his right arm that he got while he served in the Vietnam War. "Yup," he comments nostalgically on his tattoo, "They don't make bad boys like these anymore."

Down to business, Wilderson was asked how he knew the world isn't going to end on Friday. He explained this: "Now, I don't believe in fate or astrology or any other of that pointless mumbo jumbo, but I do know that the Mayans cannot be right about the world ending next Friday. Here's why. You gotta think about it: The Mayans didn't know that the wheel could be used for travel. With that in mind, how the hell do you think they would know when the world would end?"

This is a very rational reason if you think about it. Wilderson gives another reason involving the Mayans: "Also, perhaps the reason why the Mayan calendar ends on December 21, 2012, is because they ran out of room on their rock."

With that satisfying comment, Wilderson puffs his cigar and continues with his thoughts. "Plus I don't really care about the whole shadazz really. I'm just not going to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge - which I actually have a very beautiful of it if you'd like to look outside my apartment window - and end my life because of some bogus prophecy. I mean, I have nothing to be afraid of. I've survived through all sorts of terrible things. I survived through Vietnam, even though I wasn't drafted until '72 so I didn't really see that much action. Home-wise, I've survived all sorts of awful things." Wilderson scratches his head and then continues, "For example, the innumerable times the Grateful Dead played in this town. Goddamn, that was the worse. I couldn't stand the Dead, I'll tell you what man, if there was any one time I thought about committing suicide, it was when those terrible, dirty hippies played in this town. I especially couldn't stand that nine-finger wanker Jerry. God, man, don't even get me started about that."

The UnNews reporter asked Wilderson what other evidence he had on the non-apocalypse (after going into a mad rant about the awfulness of the Grateful Dead for 43 minutes), and Wilderson chuckled as he continued puffing his cigar. "Also, coincidentally, December 21st is Frank Zappa's birthday. Now there was a man who could put the hippies in their place, although tragically he died in 1993, but still, his music - at least I think - remains a powerful force on this earth. But that could just be coincidental."

Our UnNews reporter asked Wilderson what other proof he had, and he smiled and said, "I heard that this movie called the Hobbit premiered. Personally, I won't see the movie myself because I'm just not into that stuff, but not every geeky-ass kid in the world can see that movie in the course of a single week, so by God's divine intervention, he would stop it for the needs of those damned freaks."

Still unsatisfied, our UnNews reporter, being the journalist he is, asked Wilderson what more does he have. He explained, "The Clippers didn't win the NBA Finals this year."

Wilderson gave one more good reason. "Think about it like this. The Cubs didn't win the World Series this year, although nobody truly cares about baseball anymore because this country's being overrun by pussy-fags, but since the Cubs didn't win, we're obviously safe for another year." He chuckled, and finished his cigar, shook the hand of the reporter, led him to the door, and said, "Don't forget to honor your Vets or my friend Rambo will come and scare you silly. And don't fucking vote for a Democrat in 2016."

The lack of any true credible scientific knowledge and pure testosterone from a man who is apparently one of the few Vietnam vets who isn't completely insane, suicidal, disgruntled, racist, emotionally disturbed, or dead is what this country needs to get this country through this death scare.

However, Wilderson said that if he is wrong, which he totally isn't, he liked to admit that he has loved the Ig.

UnNews Logo Potato.png
This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.