UnNews:Man Microwaves Pinky, Sues

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard

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UnNews

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Thursday, November 21, 2024, 16:06:59 (UTC)

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14 July 2007

JULY 10, 2007

Borrville, Ohio In a personal triumph, Shelton Coswidge, a telemarketer living in Borrville, Ohio, finally managed the feat of microwaving his left pinky, and then suing the multimillion dollar microwave industry for a reported 25 million dollars.

"I'm so happy! Now we don't have to worry about money any more!" said his wife, Jen Coswidge, just moments before she was divorced and kicked out of the house.

"I always knew he had it in him, the raw drive to succeed, no matter how hard the going gets, or how implausible the task," Said next door neighbor Voldemort a.k.a "he who shall not be named", a close friend of Shelton Coswidge.

And of course, the task was incredibly implausible, "we still don't understand how in the world he managed to microwave his own hand. I mean how in the world did he do that!?" An incredulous important type microwave guy said before a crowd of reporters.

Apparantly, the determined Shelton Coswidge had managed to position his left pinky, undisputedly the most useless digit, into the microwave so that when the microwave turned on, it would start cooking Shelton Coswidge's finger. Shelton Coswidge managed to pull out his left pinky soon enough to save it from complete nerve death and at the same time, late enough to press for charges against the microwave industry.

Shelton Coswidge himself could not be accessed at the time, however, his close friend Voldemort confided, "he loves getting laid, and with all this cash, he's probably out at the local stripclub."

While Shelton Coswidge is out spending his new fortune, others with their eyes on the prize have also decided to reach for their goals.

Jesus himself, inspired by the events, managed to drown himself in a cup of Ramen noodles, and having risen from the dead, intends to press charges against the multi-jillion dollar Ramen noodle industry.

"Shelton Coswidge's work was very inspiring, a story of the common man rising up to challenge some of the biggest powers that be," Jesus lauded.

Shelton Coswidge is reported to have plans for moving to New Jersey, possibly part of a plan to sue the United States of America itself.

This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.