UnNews:Mad Scientist/Procrastinator 'Totally Gonna Finish That Death Ray Soon'

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Truth doesn't "live here" — It's just camping out

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UnNews

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Thursday, November 21, 2024, 15:32:59 (UTC)

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15 June 2007

AREA MAD SCIENTIST AND PROCRASTINATOR Alfred Von Steebler is 'totally gonna finish that death ray soon,' the lackadaisical and brilliant head of Von Steebler Industries reported yesterday. "I have a lot of things to do," said Von Steebler. "I'll get around to completing the death ray soon enough. It's almost finished and I did write in my original plans that I wasn't going to dominate the world until at least 2008."

Von Steebler's "Not That Complex" Death Ray Plans [if you want some hope in hell of reading this, click on it]

Von Steebler has a history of procrastination on many of his mad science projects, including his continual delaying of his Half-man/Half-ape creature and his as-yet-unfinished Brain in a Box. Von Steebler claims he has explanations for the lack of progress on all of these experiments.

"I mean, with the Brain in a Box- that was just a dumb idea. I doubt I'll ever finish it. As for the half-man/half-ape thing, I need to find a suitable ape. It's not like some zoo is going to let me borrow one or anything." As for several other projects, Von Steebler says he'll "get right on that," although now is not a suitable time to do so.

As for the death ray, Von Steebler remains optomistic that he will complete it before his self-set 2008 deadline. "I have plenty of time to complete it. I don't have to do it now." The death ray plans include a vague description of how it would work. The childish scribbles really makes your eyes hurt. Von Steebler was going to explain this but had to have lunch and said "I'll tell you later."

This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.