UnNews:Loud screeching sound shows no sign of abating

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We have met the enemy, and he is us ✪ UnNews ✪ Sunday, December 22, 2024, 06:55:59 (UTC)
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21 October 2008

The fingers in the ears do nothing!

That loud, screeching sound that... huh? Okay... THAT LOUD SCREECHING SOUND THAT SEEMS TO COME FROM NOWHERE SHOWS NO SIGN OF ABATING. THE NOISE - WHICH HAS BEEN VARIOUSLY DESCRIBED AS 'HORRIBLE', 'EAR-SPLITTING' AND 'SUICIDE INDUCING' - REMAINS AS LOUD AND AGGRAVATING AS WHEN IT BEGAN FOUR DAYS AGO.

"WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S CAUSING THIS," SAID SOME SCIENTIST GUY, I DIDN'T CATCH THE NAME. "ALL WE KNOW IS THAT - AH FUCK IT! WILL YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP! ALL WE KNOW IS THAT IT IS PISSING EVERYBODY OFF."

THE NOISE BEGAN LAST SATURDAY, AND EVERYONE JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD GO AWAY AFTER A WHILE. HOWEVER - JESUS CHRIST! I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF THINK! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WRITE A NEWS ARTICLE... OH, LET'S JUST GO TO ANOTHER QUOTE.

PRESIDENT BUSH HAS CALLED FOR CALM. ADDRESSING MIGRAINE-ADDLED JOURNALISTS THROUGH A COMICALLY OLD-FASHIONED MEGAPHONE, HE SAID "BE CALM! FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK, JUST BE CALM! EVERYONE! THAT MEANS YOU, FATTY! AGENT WILLIAMS, IF THAT FUCKER WON'T CALM DOWN, YOU GO CALM HIM DOWN."

BUSH'S CALL FOR CALM HAS BEEN ALMOST UNIVERSALLY IGNORED... IS IT GETTING LOUDER? IT'S GETTING LOUDER, ISN'T IT? THE STRAINED NERVES CAUSED BY THE HORRIBLE SOUND AND THREE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS HAS LED MANY TO UNCHARACTERISTIC ACTS OF VIOLENCE. A DEBATE IN BRITISH PARLIAMENT ON EMERGENCY MEASURES TO DEAL WITH THE HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE NOISE ENDED IN CHAOS AS THE PRIME MINISTER BIT THE EAR OFF SHADOW MINISTER FOR COMMUNICATIONS. IN NEWS JUST IN, THE DALI LAMA HAS BEEN ARRESTED FOR ATTACKING A CAB DRIVER WITH A SHARPENED SCREWDRIVER.

"GOD HAS FORSAKEN US!" YELLED THE POPE, ADDRESSING RIOTERS AND LOOTERS IN ST. PETER'S SQUARE. "WE NEED A NEW GOD, QUICKLY. ALLAH ACKBAR! HAIL ODIN! QUETZALCOATL PRESERVE US! ONE OF YOU FUCKERS, DO SOMETHING!"

IN FURTHER NEWS, THE WORLD COUNCIL FOR THE DEAF AND HEARING IMPAIRED HAS ISSUED A DIRECTIVE TO ITS MEMBERS ASKING THEM TO APPEAR HAUGHTY AND SMUG AT ALL TIMES, THE BASTARDS.

FURTHERMORE, SDAFLKH;DFLVCCCC

Sources[edit]

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