UnNews:Kiwi Schools Abandon Spelling

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9 November 2006

The alphabet is now liberated from stupid ideas of "rules", in New Zealand.

Wellington, New Zealand -- The New Zealand Qualifications Authority (NZQA) today announced that it would no longer require students to meet national standards for spelling on examinations. The move came amidst a growing "TeXTers-rights" youth movement that has long sought to remove what it calls are "arbitrary bourgeois lexicography standards" which have been forced upon the "oppressed proletariate youth" of New Zealand.

Bali Haque, deputy chief executive of NZQA, explained the decision, saying, "Students should aim to make their answers as clear as possible. Markers involved in assessing NCEA (National Certificate of Educational Achievement) exams are trained professionals, experienced in interpreting the variety of writing styles and language uses encountered during the marking process." Mr. Haque went on to explain that the constantly shifting standards of spoken English have left spelling behind in the dust. "Why should we still be tied to a small island on the other side of the planet? It's high time that we broke away linguistically, formed our own language and reject the traditions of the Oxbridge lexicography."

His subbordinate at Lincoln High School, NZQA officer Stephen Rout, disagreed saying, "I will not be recommending any 'L33t speak' to students. I would advise students to use proper English rather than qwerty abbreviations. Students need to be able to write and understand full English and I would encourage our students to do that. After all, if we do not demand that students learn formal English spelling, how are they to be expected to understand Engrish, 'Mirican, Ebonics, Spanlish, Hindish, Chinglish, Nufun'landa, or Quebecoix? It would not empower our students, only separate and kill Kiwi as a language, just like Irish, Scottish, Welsh, Cornish, Amish, Cajun, Bretton, or any of those other little piss-ant dialects."

Spokesman for the Oxford English Dictionary, Theodore Gazell remarked that the Oxford dons and lexicographers who compile and publish the annual study of the English Language are not put off by the TeXTers who want to develop their own written language. "Indeed we look forward to a new market in the dictionary buisness, and are preparing a new 'Kiwi-English' line of dictionaries for desk reference and phrase books for tourists."